WANDER.
So many people wander through this life. So many people who do a lot of good things and bad things. Living out their lives, making decisions, either drawing closer or further to God all the time. Its like we wander from thing to thing, seeking out whatever will satisfy us. You've heard it before, if you've been in church long enough. The lust of the eyes, the pride of life, the lust of the flesh ~ things to be avoided, for sure (and a way of life to be avoided). For a while, I've felt like I've wandered away from the Shepherd's side. Its like everyone is sitting at His table, as their imperfect human-selves, soaking up God's mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, strength, and all the while, I've been sitting in the corner watching, not experiencing. Of course, there have been great times where I've been front and center, helping pass the food and soaking up the Son for myself. But there are seasons where I've also drawn back from the table, unable to approach. There have been times when my mind has wandered away from His truth.
LUST.
Crave. Hunger. Covet. Yearn.
We want it and we want it now.
I want it and I want it now.
What keeps turning our heads, causing us to wonder if something away from His peaceful side and life-giving water would be more satisfying?
What keeps us from wandering away from the Lord? I really want to think about this and not just let myself off the hook with a churchy answer. Father, help me to really think about this. I know the deep and authentic answer is practicing your presence. Not just reading the Bible. Or being obedient (although very important). Or going to church (also important). But its you. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship" resonates with me as I think about this. So God, how do I practice your presence? I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise - I will say THIS is the DAY that the LORD has MADE, I will rejoice (in all things, at all times) because HE has MADE me GLAD. (He does this! He brings the gladness! YES!) He has made me glad, He has made me glad; I will rejoice for He has made me glad.
I recently wrote in my journal that I just want to change. I keep seeing all this junk in my heart and with all the stressful things that have happened -- I just need freedom. "I'm sick of this old skin I'm in. Like a snake, my skin is old, itchy, decomposing -- I need to shed it -- I want to live in new, fresh skin. Like Eustace, in the Chronicles of Narnia, I've tried in my own strength to shred, shed, and scrape off all the dead stuff -- but Papa, my heart is stirred -- I need you, I really need you. I know you've never left me, but oh Lord, how I've left you. I confess it. I'm sorry, Papa. I need you to do what I cannot do for myself. Please, give me a new beginning."
A new beginning. That's what I need. A new mindset.
Your strength brings a freshness that I can't muster up for myself. Please cloak me with your strength, Father, so that I may glorify you, not myself. I confess that when I have your strength, God, sometimes its so easy to credit it to myself and believe that it came from somewhere within my human being. No way. Its ALL from you, Papa. I give you all the praise, glory, honor, and credit for anything and everything I can do. YOU enable me to do what I cannot. YOU are my strength.
This is a picture from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, featuring Eustace (after he was turned into a dragon) and the noble mouse, Reepicheep. You see, Eustace was really a human boy. However, his greed and lust for treasure caused him to transform into a dragon. Miserable and frightened, Eustace begins to reflect on his life up until this point, realizing how awful he has been. Its almost like his new physical appearance as a nasty dragon was a picture of the real Eustace on the inside. Only after Eustace encounters Aslan is he able to experience the freedom from his dragon body (that's not really him). Aslan has to shred and shed the skin with his sharp claws because Eustace is only able to take off a few layers by himself. The first cut is the deepest and most painful, but Eustace says in the book that it is a good kind of pain. He experiences freedom from his old self. The old man. Shed the uttermost
Shed this common ghost
that walks around half awake, half alive
Shed this old man
Cloak me in your light
the dead skin, a shroud of death
sin eats away until there's nothing left
Spirit -- Breath new life
BREATH it in the depths of this carnal soul
Spirit -- BREATH new life
BREATH it in the depths of my pain and my strife
Spirit -- BREATH new life -- RESURRECT me ONCE AGAIN
the power of your presence is LIFE
Shine your Spirit straight through me
Until my heart knows your reality
Scrape and take it all away.
I say...make me new, your way
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