pieces from my philos. paper

For true change to occur, I assert that there must be a paradigm shift. As a pre-service teacher, I had always dreamt that all the youth in my classes would grow up to be relentless scholarly thinkers that pursue the tough questions in life, unyielding in their work ethic. While this may be true for a few students that will pass through my doors, it will not always be true for an entire group of learners. As I imagined a classroom full of attentive listeners and producers, excitement accompanied my own studies. However, in the course of my academic growth, I have learned that there is so much more to teaching than simply inspiring students. Reality says that these things are possible, but not without challenge. The paradigm shift that I have undergone throughout my time as a student has grown within me not only an increasing passion for my subject, but a passion for my students. I have learned throughout my training here at Indiana Wesleyan that there is no harm in dreaming about my classroom, my students, and the things I might accomplish. The harm is when I base my dreams on the subject and the ideals of teaching, rather than the students that I will be interacting with. My dreams, now slightly altered, breed new hopes of not only inspiring students, but reaching the unreachable in giving them skills that will benefit their futures, and instilling within them metacognitive tools.

Jesus' living breathing paraphernalia

Tonight I write freely for my mind is numb from the day. Tomorrow I will have to write a speech and practice it, along with study for my test on monday. ERG. I should have finished it tonight. How frustrating it is when I don't keep myself on a schedule. Maybe I will just stay up and write it until I finish it. I want it to be good - and choosing just the right words is something with which to not be hasty. I am writing a persuasive speech about Compassion International and how we have got to get involved. Friday - our chapel speaker was from Compassion - and you must be thinking 'perfect timing' - I know right? Way to steal my fire. Actually - I prefer to look at it as the preparation for them. I hope to inspire them. I hope, I hope, I hope. Biblically, hope is defined as being 'anticipated expectation.' So while my mind is numb, marinating itself in writer's block and half asleep, I will at least attempt to finish my study guide and maybe begin my speech.

A comment that was said in chapel on friday went something like this [I am paraphrasing]: The righteousness you have isn't for you. It isn't something you keep for yourself by writing it in a journal while drinking designer coffee. If all you are giving is religion - you aren't giving much. We write the name of Jesus on everything...except people.

And I thought about that. I thought about how half of the time my problems come from my eyes being fixed on other things - other than Jesus. Sometimes - no the MAJORITY of the time - geesh - I just need to be honest! - the majority of the time - I am so selfish with my Jesus. I worry about my life and my dreams and my plans and my needs and my wants and my friends and my family and my significant other and my classes and my homework and my, my, my, my! It never stops! Will I ever be free of me? Will I ever finally get "out there" and do it? Do what I was born to do? Yes. By God's grace and protective hand, I will get out and do it.

“The rate at which a person can mature is directly

proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” ~ Douglas Engelbart

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your

concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” ~ John MacNaughton

“To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace;

to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” ~William Arthur

Three Quotes

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~Mark Twain

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. ~George ScialabbaHarvard magazine

To think creatively, we must be able to look afresh at what we normally take for granted. ~George Kneller

So tonight...or this morning...however one expresses it...I retire my pen and place my fingers on the keys - pressing each necessary one gently with my gray sweater covering the wrist and almost half of each of my hands. I write to try to understand things - to think through my thoughts - to lay everything out - like Hezekiah did - when his enemies were so close and he recieved word of their plans. He laid them out before the Lord and said, "Thy will be done." I wish I could say that more and with sincerity. Sometimes I question if God really cares that faith is hard or that this walk is hard. I question His humanity at times. Does He really understand the struggles I feel inside of not understanding or knowing what is going on? Does He understand the valley that comes when we don't put him first? How I hate being human sometimes. There are so many emotions, so many twists and turns - so many different contexts and mindsets that you are in. It is hard sometimes to separate the thoughts and experiences - by what is real and genuine and worthy to be logged away for future reference - and those that you would like to tie an anvil to and drop in the deepest sea - to remember them no longer. I have discovered this week that I am in bondage to what people think of me and/or my perception of others perceptions - if that makes any sense. I hate being where I am at - which that is usually the case when I find a weakness - I don't want to be seen with a mistake and I don't want to have the mistake. I feel like I bear such shame and there is no freedom for me to mess up or be human. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths." I know this is what I need to do. AHH - I am so weak! Have I come this far to place myself above the temptations of life - that I forgot they were there and when tempted - feel like such a rat? I am so weak and so uncapable of succeeding on my own. I have forgotten what this is all about - and it isn't me! Maybe this really is a necessary struggle that everyone must go through. We are such self-centered beings that we take in command that which we don't hear results from God on - at least - I do. If His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses - and there are a lot - and He took enough time to inspire that author of that concept - WITH that concept - than I should probably believe it. Lord - please be my rock - be my fortress.