LIFE

Before the last two months of events happened, I didn't walk around with the acknowledged idea that life was tough. I mean, I knew it was, but it seemed like there were enough good things to refocus my mind on that I didn't feel like I needed a general statement of "Life is TOUGH" or "Life is HARD" to label my life with -- until now. I feel like I've lived a lifetime with everything that has happened in the last two months. So many questions. So many things that are hard to process, let alone altogether. NOW, I think its time to say - Life is tough - which would be an adequate stamp on my journals these past few months.

DEATH.
My beloved dog, Daisy, died a week ago. I NEVER thought I would be a person to care that much for a dog -- but I do. I've cried like a member in our family has died. Daisy was the sweetest little dog we EVER had. She was such a good-natured dog; never went to the bathroom inside or barked too much, never gnawed on our socks or furniture, never sat begging for food or whined in the middle of the night. She was a great dog. And I feel like such a baby for crying about it -- I guess I've just never had a dog that was THAT great. Dad says that the house feels to empty without her.

In the last two weeks, 4 different friends/family members have suffered the loss of someone special in their lives. Man, I gotta say, I've felt the pain (which has added to the stress of everything in my personal life right now). Two of my friends have lost little girls who were on ventilators. A dear cousin lost a baby, delivered stillborn. My best friend from high school had a miscarriage.

BIG QUESTIONS.
You wouldn't think that the instance of losing a dog would cause anyone to raise BIG life questions, but I have been. Its like Daisy's death kinda sent me over the edge after all the death that's been happening. My thoughts towards God with all of this have been like, "Really, Lord? Why at this time? Why did she have to go? She brought us so much joy - we all loved her so much - and with all the CRAP that we've gone through in the past two months -- why did she have to go NOW? Of ALL the times? I mean, really -- Kristen just told us that she was pregnant two days after Christmas, my parents were devastated and it seems like every time I talk to them they are stressed or too tired, Kayla hasn't even applied to colleges because she is afraid that Mom and Dad will just give her excuses about how it isn't possible (even though they KNOW that GOD provided EVERYTHING for me) -- and Kayla so desperately wants to go to college and become a veterinarian -- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Its like EVERYTHING has reached the peak of TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!

I want to control everything. I want everything to be okay. Even now as I read this, I can feel my blood pressure rise and hot tears come to my eyes. I'm sick of things being stressful at home and not whole. My heart is NOT in the whole wedding thing anymore. I love Kristen and I will be there for her no matter what, but my heart isn't in it, everything is being rushed, and I want to call home to catch up, but I feel like I'm opening the same painful can of worms every time I do. I ache for something satisfying - and I know its my need for the Lord - but it just seems like there's too much junk to weed through. Too much yuck to deal with or talk about. I feel like I've been this constant walking problem for the last whenever.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS.
My roommate and I've been learning how to communicate, but overall, its been pretty tough. We are both in SUCH different places in life right now. I came into this rooming situation with expectations that didn't pan out the way I thought they would and my roommate has been through some tough places this last year where she doesn't feel like she has anything to give to anyone else. ARG. Its just frustrating. God is using it to change us and make us better, but its been hard living what I consider to be alone -- and that's what its felt like. Its hard to go from family or roommates (who you get along with really well and who want to 'do life' with you) to cold turkey nothing - where your roommate says maybe 8 words to you when they get home - and that's it. I can't say that I blame her --- I know she needs retreat and healing from everything that's happened in her life, and again - she is just at a very different place in life than I am right now -- but I really need community. I'm not asking for a new best friend. Gosh.

Geesh, maybe I'll think twice before naming my blog -- "Refined Clay"