PHEW! Gotta share this with you! I just reread Proverbs 4:23, a verse that I have had memorized for a long time, but it has struck me differently this time -- "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." FOR IT DETERMINES THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE! WOW! I'm really interested in doing an inductive Bible study on this verse and revisiting this area. What DOES it mean to really GUARD your heart? Is it just all of the DON'T DOS? Or is there more...?
I don't know why God has allowed me to revisit areas that I thought weren't a problem but I feel like I understand the verse better now that I'm in a situation where I really have to guard my heart. Its funny the different seasons that we go through -- things we have to remember, things we haven't had to do in a while -- that are suddenly awakened by a situation we weren't expecting.
God, help me to guard my heart. I never realized how hard it would be to be a 20-something and still single.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Done.
I'm done.
Done looking.
Done caring.
Done wishing.
If its God's will, He will do it.
The aggravation, I feel deep within.
I've tried, all efforts.
Nothing.
If HE wants it, HE will do it.
The One who calls you is Faithful and HE will do it.
I believe He has promised it.
Its just NOT now.
I'm Done.
Done looking.
Done caring.
Done wishing.
If its God's will, He will do it.
The aggravation, I feel deep within.
I've tried, all efforts.
Nothing.
If HE wants it, HE will do it.
The One who calls you is Faithful and HE will do it.
I believe He has promised it.
Its just NOT now.
I'm Done.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Peter, the Rock
Have you ever considered the meaning of your name? I know I have, and I wasn't too happy about it. Thankfully, when you add "sue" onto my first name things get better. Mary is Hebrew for bitter. Yeah. Not exactly the mantra I want to live under. But when you add sue, its like my entire meaning changed. I get names like, 'wished for child' and 'star of the sea'. Sweet, huh?
I've always loved learning the meaning of names. I think its neat that you could name someone Wisdom (Sophia), Beloved (David) or 'God Rescues' (Joshua), as in a real-live allegory. However, most people never really live up to their name. Think about it. Peter in the Bible, whose name means "the Rock", steady, sure --- was everything BUT what his name meant. One moment, he tells Jesus that he would never deny him and then the next ---- those very words he lived to regret came out three times! Peter, the one who stepped out of the boat -- confidently keeping his eyes on Jesus -- walked on water! However, the moment he looked down and drew his gaze from Jesus -- that's when he began to sink. Peter was up and down, up and down -- and yet Jesus still saw something in him.
Jesus doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. Jesus didn't just toss Peter to the side. He even met with him on the beach after his death -- "Peter, do you love me?" --"Do you love me?" -- "Do you love me?" ~ "Then feed my lambs"
It was exactly what Peter needed though - to be forgiven, to see that Jesus still saw potential in him, purpose in him, despite his fearful heart and actions. Peter deserved to be left! He deserved to be abandoned and just left alone. But Jesus didn't do that. Its amazing what we will do and how we really step up when people believe that we still have good in us or potential. Its like when that bar is raised, we rise to the occasion. Peter eventually did.
If you know anything about my personal testimony, you'll know that there came a point where going solo wasn't possible anymore, hiding under my parents Christian mantra was too difficult, and that fake Christian mask I wore in high school was melting away because my sin was taking more and more ground. There was deep sin in my life and it was rotting out the core of my being. It was like the more I lived in that sin, it continued to consume more and more of me - and the me that God intended for me to be couldn't ever grow and take shape.
I remember having some of those really deep conversations with my dad. After confessing some sins that I had been committing, I waited to see the anger dispatch across his face like a tactical war order. However, as I stood before him, quite shorter at the time than I am now, I watched as his face distorted into this soft, wrinkled mirror of pain, reflecting my own. Truly, I waited for him to scold me and go over all the "You know's", but he didn't. He just held me as I cried.
Why do I get so far from where God first saved me? Why do I, like the Israelites, forget the stones? The stones they set up ON PURPOSE to remember what God had done for them. Those stones were meant for the Israelites to help keep them steady and sure. To keep them focused and driven, to meet the bar, to remember WHO they WERE.
The NAME of Christian that we were given isn't possible to live up to on our own. If I'm trying to do it in my strength, I will fail. And I have. Recently. We can never truly live up to our names or the name of Christian without His grace, without His power and without our surrendered will. Am I a "little Christ" ? Am I living out my name, Papa?
"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land..." ~2 Chrn. 7:14
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--" ~Ephesians 2:8
I've always loved learning the meaning of names. I think its neat that you could name someone Wisdom (Sophia), Beloved (David) or 'God Rescues' (Joshua), as in a real-live allegory. However, most people never really live up to their name. Think about it. Peter in the Bible, whose name means "the Rock", steady, sure --- was everything BUT what his name meant. One moment, he tells Jesus that he would never deny him and then the next ---- those very words he lived to regret came out three times! Peter, the one who stepped out of the boat -- confidently keeping his eyes on Jesus -- walked on water! However, the moment he looked down and drew his gaze from Jesus -- that's when he began to sink. Peter was up and down, up and down -- and yet Jesus still saw something in him.
Jesus doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. Jesus didn't just toss Peter to the side. He even met with him on the beach after his death -- "Peter, do you love me?" --"Do you love me?" -- "Do you love me?" ~ "Then feed my lambs"
It was exactly what Peter needed though - to be forgiven, to see that Jesus still saw potential in him, purpose in him, despite his fearful heart and actions. Peter deserved to be left! He deserved to be abandoned and just left alone. But Jesus didn't do that. Its amazing what we will do and how we really step up when people believe that we still have good in us or potential. Its like when that bar is raised, we rise to the occasion. Peter eventually did.
If you know anything about my personal testimony, you'll know that there came a point where going solo wasn't possible anymore, hiding under my parents Christian mantra was too difficult, and that fake Christian mask I wore in high school was melting away because my sin was taking more and more ground. There was deep sin in my life and it was rotting out the core of my being. It was like the more I lived in that sin, it continued to consume more and more of me - and the me that God intended for me to be couldn't ever grow and take shape.
I remember having some of those really deep conversations with my dad. After confessing some sins that I had been committing, I waited to see the anger dispatch across his face like a tactical war order. However, as I stood before him, quite shorter at the time than I am now, I watched as his face distorted into this soft, wrinkled mirror of pain, reflecting my own. Truly, I waited for him to scold me and go over all the "You know's", but he didn't. He just held me as I cried.
Why do I get so far from where God first saved me? Why do I, like the Israelites, forget the stones? The stones they set up ON PURPOSE to remember what God had done for them. Those stones were meant for the Israelites to help keep them steady and sure. To keep them focused and driven, to meet the bar, to remember WHO they WERE.
The NAME of Christian that we were given isn't possible to live up to on our own. If I'm trying to do it in my strength, I will fail. And I have. Recently. We can never truly live up to our names or the name of Christian without His grace, without His power and without our surrendered will. Am I a "little Christ" ? Am I living out my name, Papa?
* * * * * * * *
"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land..." ~2 Chrn. 7:14
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--" ~Ephesians 2:8
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wedding Pics!
Okay, so here are just a few of the pics I was able to take. I missed a lot because I was IN the wedding, but professional ones should be coming soon!
Us three gals before walking down the aisle. Kristen looked so beautiful!
A Fresh Start
Hello, friends!
I am back in the blog-writing mode and ready for something new. Looking back over the past few entries -- gosh! Isn't it crazy how we go through tough seasons? Its evident what we're acting out in -- faith or fear. I think I spent too much time giving way for anxiety to rule instead of trying to look for the things God was doing in the midst.
So here's my new beginning (via cyberspace).
Updates on life:
~Kristen got married on Sunday. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be, and I enjoyed the time home immensely. We had a FANTASTIC bachelorette party and such a fun time despite the crazy mess-ups at the ceremony and reception (and there were quite a few!) Although things aren't going to be easy for them, I see God's hand in the midst. I continue to pray and wait to hear/see how God provides. Kristen texted me yesterday....lonely already... (Justin was at work). I know she is going to need me a lot now. God, please help me to be a faithful friend to Kristen and source of comfort.
~God provided a car! As many of you might know, I was struck by the "bad things happen in three" theory a few weeks ago. First, my computer crashed (which, amazingly, I am now using again somehow!), then my old buick was swallowed by a pothole that broke the frame (which was unrepairable), and now I am facing decisions that will affect my living situation. AHH! So, to say the least, there were a few weeks that were really rough because I didn't have any answers and wasn't sure where things were going -- aka -- I was trying to figure it all out in my own strength. I took about three weeks to look for a car and finally found a GREAT deal. Granted, my car is kinda like a fancy nursing home on wheels (07 Grand Marquis) or a tank for the elderly (because its HUGE), but it is SUPER nice and I got it for a good price. Thanks, Lord! Help me to take such good care of it!
~Last week, I attended a two-day conference called, Beyond Diversity. It was excellent. The idea was to speak up about race instead of letting it be this taboo topic. I really enjoyed the perspectives. It also reminded me of how much social injustice makes me upset. We discussed the idea of "examining the presence and role of whiteness" --- or the idea that we have what's called "white privilege" and we don't even realize it. Sure, black people have the same rights and freedoms that everyone else does now, but they are still treated differently. It was very interesting. I felt like my heart reached on every emotion -- sadness for how people are treated -- these people, my brothers and sisters; annoyance for the opposite side of the spectrum -- that there is reverse racism on white people (that WASN'T really talked about). Overall, it was really good though. I thought a lot about my ESL students - mostly Hispanic. They encounter the same issues and battles. Even today in class, I walked around and talked with different students about a writing assignment they had about Spring Break. One of my students was talking about how she was going to Mexico for the first time and how she was so excited. To have EVERYTHING in SPANISH! WOW! Then, she said that her mom had told her that, "You won't have to worry! [In Mexico,] You can walk anywhere and not worry about the cops stopping you or taking you away" --- and there, I saw it again. Phew. To live with that fear gnawing at your strength in the back of your mind...especially as a 12 year old.
Social Injustice makes me sick.
~Over the last week, I met two different guys who asked for my number (at separate times :P). Don't get too excited. I didn't exactly meet them in places where I want to meet Mr. Right. Can I just ask this simple question? Why is it that when I'm at a place where there aren't any Christians that guys come up and ask me out, but then in Christian circles, I feel like it takes FOREVER for ANYONE to make a move??? I mean, its not like I dress immodestly to attract the wrong type of attention or anything, nor do I change who I am to impress them. ARG.
I read a devotional by Oswald Chambers yesterday that helped bring me back to reality. Obviously, its not going to work with someone who doesnt love God. Its like trying to mix oil and water. Oswald talked about thinking ahead to the end result of whatever emotion you are experiencing -- if the end result doesn't please God, then you're done. You know that its not worth it.
"Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, March 22)
I went on a separate date with one of them, and the whole time it was so obvious that the only pieces of me that could relate to him were part of my carnal nature. It stinks. He was so attractive and the whole time I sat there, I really wanted to relate with him. ARG. Why do I keep meeting attractive guys who don't care about God?! He texted me throughout the weekend and then we chatted on facebook --- if the ending won't please God, I just want it to end. Any thoughts or perspectives on this??
Oh and P.S. >> You may get a kick out of this -- the first guy who asked for my number contacted me and upon greeting me, said "Hey Sweetie Pie" -- I was turned off immediately and didn't return his call. HAHAHA. You don't know me. You have no right to call me that. BLECH.
So, that area of my life has been really interesting. God knows all about this. I just need to focus on being myself and trusting him.
Well, thank goodness, I finally have some GOOD things to report on! Lord, I need a fresh mindset. Create in me a clean and undivided heart, and renew a loyal and steadfast spirit within me.
I am back in the blog-writing mode and ready for something new. Looking back over the past few entries -- gosh! Isn't it crazy how we go through tough seasons? Its evident what we're acting out in -- faith or fear. I think I spent too much time giving way for anxiety to rule instead of trying to look for the things God was doing in the midst.
So here's my new beginning (via cyberspace).
Updates on life:
~Kristen got married on Sunday. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be, and I enjoyed the time home immensely. We had a FANTASTIC bachelorette party and such a fun time despite the crazy mess-ups at the ceremony and reception (and there were quite a few!) Although things aren't going to be easy for them, I see God's hand in the midst. I continue to pray and wait to hear/see how God provides. Kristen texted me yesterday....lonely already... (Justin was at work). I know she is going to need me a lot now. God, please help me to be a faithful friend to Kristen and source of comfort.
~God provided a car! As many of you might know, I was struck by the "bad things happen in three" theory a few weeks ago. First, my computer crashed (which, amazingly, I am now using again somehow!), then my old buick was swallowed by a pothole that broke the frame (which was unrepairable), and now I am facing decisions that will affect my living situation. AHH! So, to say the least, there were a few weeks that were really rough because I didn't have any answers and wasn't sure where things were going -- aka -- I was trying to figure it all out in my own strength. I took about three weeks to look for a car and finally found a GREAT deal. Granted, my car is kinda like a fancy nursing home on wheels (07 Grand Marquis) or a tank for the elderly (because its HUGE), but it is SUPER nice and I got it for a good price. Thanks, Lord! Help me to take such good care of it!
~Last week, I attended a two-day conference called, Beyond Diversity. It was excellent. The idea was to speak up about race instead of letting it be this taboo topic. I really enjoyed the perspectives. It also reminded me of how much social injustice makes me upset. We discussed the idea of "examining the presence and role of whiteness" --- or the idea that we have what's called "white privilege" and we don't even realize it. Sure, black people have the same rights and freedoms that everyone else does now, but they are still treated differently. It was very interesting. I felt like my heart reached on every emotion -- sadness for how people are treated -- these people, my brothers and sisters; annoyance for the opposite side of the spectrum -- that there is reverse racism on white people (that WASN'T really talked about). Overall, it was really good though. I thought a lot about my ESL students - mostly Hispanic. They encounter the same issues and battles. Even today in class, I walked around and talked with different students about a writing assignment they had about Spring Break. One of my students was talking about how she was going to Mexico for the first time and how she was so excited. To have EVERYTHING in SPANISH! WOW! Then, she said that her mom had told her that, "You won't have to worry! [In Mexico,] You can walk anywhere and not worry about the cops stopping you or taking you away" --- and there, I saw it again. Phew. To live with that fear gnawing at your strength in the back of your mind...especially as a 12 year old.
Social Injustice makes me sick.
~Over the last week, I met two different guys who asked for my number (at separate times :P). Don't get too excited. I didn't exactly meet them in places where I want to meet Mr. Right. Can I just ask this simple question? Why is it that when I'm at a place where there aren't any Christians that guys come up and ask me out, but then in Christian circles, I feel like it takes FOREVER for ANYONE to make a move??? I mean, its not like I dress immodestly to attract the wrong type of attention or anything, nor do I change who I am to impress them. ARG.
I read a devotional by Oswald Chambers yesterday that helped bring me back to reality. Obviously, its not going to work with someone who doesnt love God. Its like trying to mix oil and water. Oswald talked about thinking ahead to the end result of whatever emotion you are experiencing -- if the end result doesn't please God, then you're done. You know that its not worth it.
"Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, March 22)
I went on a separate date with one of them, and the whole time it was so obvious that the only pieces of me that could relate to him were part of my carnal nature. It stinks. He was so attractive and the whole time I sat there, I really wanted to relate with him. ARG. Why do I keep meeting attractive guys who don't care about God?! He texted me throughout the weekend and then we chatted on facebook --- if the ending won't please God, I just want it to end. Any thoughts or perspectives on this??
Oh and P.S. >> You may get a kick out of this -- the first guy who asked for my number contacted me and upon greeting me, said "Hey Sweetie Pie" -- I was turned off immediately and didn't return his call. HAHAHA. You don't know me. You have no right to call me that. BLECH.
So, that area of my life has been really interesting. God knows all about this. I just need to focus on being myself and trusting him.
Well, thank goodness, I finally have some GOOD things to report on! Lord, I need a fresh mindset. Create in me a clean and undivided heart, and renew a loyal and steadfast spirit within me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
...Wanderlust...
By definition, a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about is what some whimsically note as "wanderlust" ~ that dreamy, yet deep desire to go, see, experience something bigger than ourselves. I have experienced this SO many times. Whether it be to travel outside of the country to uncharted territories (for myself, at least) or to do or experience things here that I've never experienced, I have definitely had a mouth full of wanderlust. I've always been the "big dreamer", the visionary, the one to be captivated by the forest rather than the trees.
WANDER.
So many people wander through this life. So many people who do a lot of good things and bad things. Living out their lives, making decisions, either drawing closer or further to God all the time. Its like we wander from thing to thing, seeking out whatever will satisfy us. You've heard it before, if you've been in church long enough. The lust of the eyes, the pride of life, the lust of the flesh ~ things to be avoided, for sure (and a way of life to be avoided). For a while, I've felt like I've wandered away from the Shepherd's side. Its like everyone is sitting at His table, as their imperfect human-selves, soaking up God's mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, strength, and all the while, I've been sitting in the corner watching, not experiencing. Of course, there have been great times where I've been front and center, helping pass the food and soaking up the Son for myself. But there are seasons where I've also drawn back from the table, unable to approach. There have been times when my mind has wandered away from His truth.
LUST.
Crave. Hunger. Covet. Yearn.
We want it and we want it now.
I want it and I want it now.
What keeps turning our heads, causing us to wonder if something away from His peaceful side and life-giving water would be more satisfying?
What keeps us from wandering away from the Lord? I really want to think about this and not just let myself off the hook with a churchy answer. Father, help me to really think about this. I know the deep and authentic answer is practicing your presence. Not just reading the Bible. Or being obedient (although very important). Or going to church (also important). But its you. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship" resonates with me as I think about this. So God, how do I practice your presence? I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise - I will say THIS is the DAY that the LORD has MADE, I will rejoice (in all things, at all times) because HE has MADE me GLAD. (He does this! He brings the gladness! YES!) He has made me glad, He has made me glad; I will rejoice for He has made me glad.
I recently wrote in my journal that I just want to change. I keep seeing all this junk in my heart and with all the stressful things that have happened -- I just need freedom. "I'm sick of this old skin I'm in. Like a snake, my skin is old, itchy, decomposing -- I need to shed it -- I want to live in new, fresh skin. Like Eustace, in the Chronicles of Narnia, I've tried in my own strength to shred, shed, and scrape off all the dead stuff -- but Papa, my heart is stirred -- I need you, I really need you. I know you've never left me, but oh Lord, how I've left you. I confess it. I'm sorry, Papa. I need you to do what I cannot do for myself. Please, give me a new beginning."
A new beginning. That's what I need. A new mindset.
Your strength brings a freshness that I can't muster up for myself. Please cloak me with your strength, Father, so that I may glorify you, not myself. I confess that when I have your strength, God, sometimes its so easy to credit it to myself and believe that it came from somewhere within my human being. No way. Its ALL from you, Papa. I give you all the praise, glory, honor, and credit for anything and everything I can do. YOU enable me to do what I cannot. YOU are my strength.
This is a picture from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, featuring Eustace (after he was turned into a dragon) and the noble mouse, Reepicheep. You see, Eustace was really a human boy. However, his greed and lust for treasure caused him to transform into a dragon. Miserable and frightened, Eustace begins to reflect on his life up until this point, realizing how awful he has been. Its almost like his new physical appearance as a nasty dragon was a picture of the real Eustace on the inside. Only after Eustace encounters Aslan is he able to experience the freedom from his dragon body (that's not really him). Aslan has to shred and shed the skin with his sharp claws because Eustace is only able to take off a few layers by himself. The first cut is the deepest and most painful, but Eustace says in the book that it is a good kind of pain. He experiences freedom from his old self. The old man.
Shed the uttermost
Shed this common ghost
that walks around half awake, half alive
Shed this old man
Cloak me in your light
the dead skin, a shroud of death
sin eats away until there's nothing left
Spirit -- Breath new life
BREATH it in the depths of this carnal soul
Spirit -- BREATH new life
BREATH it in the depths of my pain and my strife
Spirit -- BREATH new life -- RESURRECT me ONCE AGAIN
the power of your presence is LIFE
Shine your Spirit straight through me
Until my heart knows your reality
Scrape and take it all away.
I say...make me new, your way
WANDER.
So many people wander through this life. So many people who do a lot of good things and bad things. Living out their lives, making decisions, either drawing closer or further to God all the time. Its like we wander from thing to thing, seeking out whatever will satisfy us. You've heard it before, if you've been in church long enough. The lust of the eyes, the pride of life, the lust of the flesh ~ things to be avoided, for sure (and a way of life to be avoided). For a while, I've felt like I've wandered away from the Shepherd's side. Its like everyone is sitting at His table, as their imperfect human-selves, soaking up God's mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, strength, and all the while, I've been sitting in the corner watching, not experiencing. Of course, there have been great times where I've been front and center, helping pass the food and soaking up the Son for myself. But there are seasons where I've also drawn back from the table, unable to approach. There have been times when my mind has wandered away from His truth.
LUST.
Crave. Hunger. Covet. Yearn.
We want it and we want it now.
I want it and I want it now.
What keeps turning our heads, causing us to wonder if something away from His peaceful side and life-giving water would be more satisfying?
What keeps us from wandering away from the Lord? I really want to think about this and not just let myself off the hook with a churchy answer. Father, help me to really think about this. I know the deep and authentic answer is practicing your presence. Not just reading the Bible. Or being obedient (although very important). Or going to church (also important). But its you. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship" resonates with me as I think about this. So God, how do I practice your presence? I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise - I will say THIS is the DAY that the LORD has MADE, I will rejoice (in all things, at all times) because HE has MADE me GLAD. (He does this! He brings the gladness! YES!) He has made me glad, He has made me glad; I will rejoice for He has made me glad.
I recently wrote in my journal that I just want to change. I keep seeing all this junk in my heart and with all the stressful things that have happened -- I just need freedom. "I'm sick of this old skin I'm in. Like a snake, my skin is old, itchy, decomposing -- I need to shed it -- I want to live in new, fresh skin. Like Eustace, in the Chronicles of Narnia, I've tried in my own strength to shred, shed, and scrape off all the dead stuff -- but Papa, my heart is stirred -- I need you, I really need you. I know you've never left me, but oh Lord, how I've left you. I confess it. I'm sorry, Papa. I need you to do what I cannot do for myself. Please, give me a new beginning."
A new beginning. That's what I need. A new mindset.
Your strength brings a freshness that I can't muster up for myself. Please cloak me with your strength, Father, so that I may glorify you, not myself. I confess that when I have your strength, God, sometimes its so easy to credit it to myself and believe that it came from somewhere within my human being. No way. Its ALL from you, Papa. I give you all the praise, glory, honor, and credit for anything and everything I can do. YOU enable me to do what I cannot. YOU are my strength.
This is a picture from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, featuring Eustace (after he was turned into a dragon) and the noble mouse, Reepicheep. You see, Eustace was really a human boy. However, his greed and lust for treasure caused him to transform into a dragon. Miserable and frightened, Eustace begins to reflect on his life up until this point, realizing how awful he has been. Its almost like his new physical appearance as a nasty dragon was a picture of the real Eustace on the inside. Only after Eustace encounters Aslan is he able to experience the freedom from his dragon body (that's not really him). Aslan has to shred and shed the skin with his sharp claws because Eustace is only able to take off a few layers by himself. The first cut is the deepest and most painful, but Eustace says in the book that it is a good kind of pain. He experiences freedom from his old self. The old man. Shed the uttermost
Shed this common ghost
that walks around half awake, half alive
Shed this old man
Cloak me in your light
the dead skin, a shroud of death
sin eats away until there's nothing left
Spirit -- Breath new life
BREATH it in the depths of this carnal soul
Spirit -- BREATH new life
BREATH it in the depths of my pain and my strife
Spirit -- BREATH new life -- RESURRECT me ONCE AGAIN
the power of your presence is LIFE
Shine your Spirit straight through me
Until my heart knows your reality
Scrape and take it all away.
I say...make me new, your way
Friday, February 4, 2011
LIFE
Before the last two months of events happened, I didn't walk around with the acknowledged idea that life was tough. I mean, I knew it was, but it seemed like there were enough good things to refocus my mind on that I didn't feel like I needed a general statement of "Life is TOUGH" or "Life is HARD" to label my life with -- until now. I feel like I've lived a lifetime with everything that has happened in the last two months. So many questions. So many things that are hard to process, let alone altogether. NOW, I think its time to say - Life is tough - which would be an adequate stamp on my journals these past few months.
DEATH.
My beloved dog, Daisy, died a week ago. I NEVER thought I would be a person to care that much for a dog -- but I do. I've cried like a member in our family has died. Daisy was the sweetest little dog we EVER had. She was such a good-natured dog; never went to the bathroom inside or barked too much, never gnawed on our socks or furniture, never sat begging for food or whined in the middle of the night. She was a great dog. And I feel like such a baby for crying about it -- I guess I've just never had a dog that was THAT great. Dad says that the house feels to empty without her.
In the last two weeks, 4 different friends/family members have suffered the loss of someone special in their lives. Man, I gotta say, I've felt the pain (which has added to the stress of everything in my personal life right now). Two of my friends have lost little girls who were on ventilators. A dear cousin lost a baby, delivered stillborn. My best friend from high school had a miscarriage.
BIG QUESTIONS.
You wouldn't think that the instance of losing a dog would cause anyone to raise BIG life questions, but I have been. Its like Daisy's death kinda sent me over the edge after all the death that's been happening. My thoughts towards God with all of this have been like, "Really, Lord? Why at this time? Why did she have to go? She brought us so much joy - we all loved her so much - and with all the CRAP that we've gone through in the past two months -- why did she have to go NOW? Of ALL the times? I mean, really -- Kristen just told us that she was pregnant two days after Christmas, my parents were devastated and it seems like every time I talk to them they are stressed or too tired, Kayla hasn't even applied to colleges because she is afraid that Mom and Dad will just give her excuses about how it isn't possible (even though they KNOW that GOD provided EVERYTHING for me) -- and Kayla so desperately wants to go to college and become a veterinarian -- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Its like EVERYTHING has reached the peak of TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!
I want to control everything. I want everything to be okay. Even now as I read this, I can feel my blood pressure rise and hot tears come to my eyes. I'm sick of things being stressful at home and not whole. My heart is NOT in the whole wedding thing anymore. I love Kristen and I will be there for her no matter what, but my heart isn't in it, everything is being rushed, and I want to call home to catch up, but I feel like I'm opening the same painful can of worms every time I do. I ache for something satisfying - and I know its my need for the Lord - but it just seems like there's too much junk to weed through. Too much yuck to deal with or talk about. I feel like I've been this constant walking problem for the last whenever.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS.
My roommate and I've been learning how to communicate, but overall, its been pretty tough. We are both in SUCH different places in life right now. I came into this rooming situation with expectations that didn't pan out the way I thought they would and my roommate has been through some tough places this last year where she doesn't feel like she has anything to give to anyone else. ARG. Its just frustrating. God is using it to change us and make us better, but its been hard living what I consider to be alone -- and that's what its felt like. Its hard to go from family or roommates (who you get along with really well and who want to 'do life' with you) to cold turkey nothing - where your roommate says maybe 8 words to you when they get home - and that's it. I can't say that I blame her --- I know she needs retreat and healing from everything that's happened in her life, and again - she is just at a very different place in life than I am right now -- but I really need community. I'm not asking for a new best friend. Gosh.
Geesh, maybe I'll think twice before naming my blog -- "Refined Clay"
DEATH.
My beloved dog, Daisy, died a week ago. I NEVER thought I would be a person to care that much for a dog -- but I do. I've cried like a member in our family has died. Daisy was the sweetest little dog we EVER had. She was such a good-natured dog; never went to the bathroom inside or barked too much, never gnawed on our socks or furniture, never sat begging for food or whined in the middle of the night. She was a great dog. And I feel like such a baby for crying about it -- I guess I've just never had a dog that was THAT great. Dad says that the house feels to empty without her.
In the last two weeks, 4 different friends/family members have suffered the loss of someone special in their lives. Man, I gotta say, I've felt the pain (which has added to the stress of everything in my personal life right now). Two of my friends have lost little girls who were on ventilators. A dear cousin lost a baby, delivered stillborn. My best friend from high school had a miscarriage.
BIG QUESTIONS.
You wouldn't think that the instance of losing a dog would cause anyone to raise BIG life questions, but I have been. Its like Daisy's death kinda sent me over the edge after all the death that's been happening. My thoughts towards God with all of this have been like, "Really, Lord? Why at this time? Why did she have to go? She brought us so much joy - we all loved her so much - and with all the CRAP that we've gone through in the past two months -- why did she have to go NOW? Of ALL the times? I mean, really -- Kristen just told us that she was pregnant two days after Christmas, my parents were devastated and it seems like every time I talk to them they are stressed or too tired, Kayla hasn't even applied to colleges because she is afraid that Mom and Dad will just give her excuses about how it isn't possible (even though they KNOW that GOD provided EVERYTHING for me) -- and Kayla so desperately wants to go to college and become a veterinarian -- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Its like EVERYTHING has reached the peak of TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!
I want to control everything. I want everything to be okay. Even now as I read this, I can feel my blood pressure rise and hot tears come to my eyes. I'm sick of things being stressful at home and not whole. My heart is NOT in the whole wedding thing anymore. I love Kristen and I will be there for her no matter what, but my heart isn't in it, everything is being rushed, and I want to call home to catch up, but I feel like I'm opening the same painful can of worms every time I do. I ache for something satisfying - and I know its my need for the Lord - but it just seems like there's too much junk to weed through. Too much yuck to deal with or talk about. I feel like I've been this constant walking problem for the last whenever.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS.
My roommate and I've been learning how to communicate, but overall, its been pretty tough. We are both in SUCH different places in life right now. I came into this rooming situation with expectations that didn't pan out the way I thought they would and my roommate has been through some tough places this last year where she doesn't feel like she has anything to give to anyone else. ARG. Its just frustrating. God is using it to change us and make us better, but its been hard living what I consider to be alone -- and that's what its felt like. Its hard to go from family or roommates (who you get along with really well and who want to 'do life' with you) to cold turkey nothing - where your roommate says maybe 8 words to you when they get home - and that's it. I can't say that I blame her --- I know she needs retreat and healing from everything that's happened in her life, and again - she is just at a very different place in life than I am right now -- but I really need community. I'm not asking for a new best friend. Gosh.
Geesh, maybe I'll think twice before naming my blog -- "Refined Clay"
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