Satisfied with a scrap.

It's amazing that in our finite, human minds - in our limited imaginations - and in our wandering queries - that we could ever be satisfied with anything else than Jesus. It's amazing that we would be satisfied with table scraps as well. But many times, we strive and hunger and grasp with exasperation for that single table scrap. In reality, God is waiting for us to look to His face above the table so that He can give us a rich feast. This is what my artistic mind knows and my heart aches to understand.

My imaginations sometimes lead me to unlikely fabrications that my heart feeds off of -- often leading it like a sick puppy searching for something - even the tiniest drop of water - to dampen the driest tongue. Often times, I am guilty because it isn't His face at the table that I have sought-- it is the table scraps that others offer or a tiny nook under the table I can crawl into. Those are false places of fulfillment.

Earlier this summer, my roommate reminded me of an incredible scripture in Deuteronomy 28. I have so much potential in Jesus Christ and I often forget it - my heart falls back onto anxiety and hopelessness.

"¹If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

⁴ The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

⁵ Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

⁶ You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

⁷ The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

⁸ The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

⁹ The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. ¹⁰ Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. ¹¹ The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

¹² The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. ¹³ The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. ¹⁴ Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them."

I was reminded once again that I am not the tail, I am the head. Now, redeemed by His blood, there is a place at the table just for me. Why do I contend for a place at eye level with my brother's and sister's kneecaps? Why do I settle for a place below the blessings and rights I have as a daughter of the King of Kings?

This past week has been a battle - one that I have not been very victorious in. Possibilities sometimes distract me from what is ultimately fulfilling -- Him, His presence, His truth, His Hope. My new identity in Him is HOPE, but I have to choose to live it out in Him. My own strength cannot do it. Why - when that imagining seemed so real - did I allow myself to be satisfied with it? I was satisfied with the table scrap - that brief glimmer of a condition that didn't even happen -- and was left when circumstances didn't work out the way I thought they would -- hungry and wanting. GOD - you are my true satisfaction. Why do I always look towards other things for peace? for hope? Why is it that this particular desire seems to always be on default and ready when another similar possibility comes up? And why do I act out of that default function instead of trusting you?

I felt like I trusted you, but now I see the true condition of my heart. I was able to surrender when I thought I'd get my way in the end. How shallow I am. I plead your blood to cover me. I need to surrender regardless of what I think the end results will be.