Why.

Why is it that I always seem to come back around to this spot? Why is it that when I come back around to this spot, nothing has changed?

ARG.

Why is it that some people just seem to be totally blessed and perfect and have everything figured out? Are they the ones truly chosen by God to "make it" ?

ARG.

Why can't I change? Why can't I change. Seriously. I see all of this junk inside of me, and I want to change. But, its like someone has dumped ten heavy 50 gallon sandbags into the shell of my being and I can't, don't move.

ARG.

Will I always be like this? Or will I be the person I could be? I heard a Switchfoot lyric tonight -- "Between the person you are and the person you could be" --- so, which one am I, God? If I'm not changing, then whats the point?

ARG.

Frustrated.
Confused.
Wish I could make sense of everything.
WHY.

Undone

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

Undone, FFH

My Name is Hope.

“Waiting is refusing to take over while refusing to give up. Waiting refuses self-rescue.”

“Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now.”

“Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works. Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward.”

“In Christ, loss is never final. Christ’s resurrection is the first-fruit of every resurrection.”

“Faith understands that what can’t be cured, can be endured.”

“Crying out to God empties us so there is more room in us for God.”

“Faith does not demand the removal of suffering; faith desires endurance in suffering.”

“In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself.”

“Faith is entrusting myself to God’s larger purposes, good plans, and eternal perspective.”

“Worship is wanting God more than wanting relief.”

“Worship is finding God even when you don’t find answers.”

“Worship is walking with God in the dark and having Him as the light of your soul.”

“Every problem is an opportunity to know God better, and our primary battle is to know God well.”

Satisfied with a scrap.

It's amazing that in our finite, human minds - in our limited imaginations - and in our wandering queries - that we could ever be satisfied with anything else than Jesus. It's amazing that we would be satisfied with table scraps as well. But many times, we strive and hunger and grasp with exasperation for that single table scrap. In reality, God is waiting for us to look to His face above the table so that He can give us a rich feast. This is what my artistic mind knows and my heart aches to understand.

My imaginations sometimes lead me to unlikely fabrications that my heart feeds off of -- often leading it like a sick puppy searching for something - even the tiniest drop of water - to dampen the driest tongue. Often times, I am guilty because it isn't His face at the table that I have sought-- it is the table scraps that others offer or a tiny nook under the table I can crawl into. Those are false places of fulfillment.

Earlier this summer, my roommate reminded me of an incredible scripture in Deuteronomy 28. I have so much potential in Jesus Christ and I often forget it - my heart falls back onto anxiety and hopelessness.

"¹If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

⁴ The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

⁵ Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

⁶ You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

⁷ The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

⁸ The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

⁹ The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. ¹⁰ Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. ¹¹ The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

¹² The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. ¹³ The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. ¹⁴ Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them."

I was reminded once again that I am not the tail, I am the head. Now, redeemed by His blood, there is a place at the table just for me. Why do I contend for a place at eye level with my brother's and sister's kneecaps? Why do I settle for a place below the blessings and rights I have as a daughter of the King of Kings?

This past week has been a battle - one that I have not been very victorious in. Possibilities sometimes distract me from what is ultimately fulfilling -- Him, His presence, His truth, His Hope. My new identity in Him is HOPE, but I have to choose to live it out in Him. My own strength cannot do it. Why - when that imagining seemed so real - did I allow myself to be satisfied with it? I was satisfied with the table scrap - that brief glimmer of a condition that didn't even happen -- and was left when circumstances didn't work out the way I thought they would -- hungry and wanting. GOD - you are my true satisfaction. Why do I always look towards other things for peace? for hope? Why is it that this particular desire seems to always be on default and ready when another similar possibility comes up? And why do I act out of that default function instead of trusting you?

I felt like I trusted you, but now I see the true condition of my heart. I was able to surrender when I thought I'd get my way in the end. How shallow I am. I plead your blood to cover me. I need to surrender regardless of what I think the end results will be.

Attitude is Altitude

"Being patient is beautiful. I’ll tell you it’s the hardest thing. But I realized I may not have hands to hold my wife’s hand, but when the time comes, I’ll be able to hold her heart. I don't need hands to hold her heart."

http://www.multimedia-english.com/contenido/ficha/no-arms-no-legs-no-worries/2650

Your Mission, Should You Choose

I have relished in my job this week. Absolutely. I just love it. Yes, there are tough points and I'm still learning how to teach various parts of our language and how to handle various management elements in the classroom, but the most fulfilling thing is to know that I have helped bring awareness -- and that they get it! AHH, such a delight. As I've been thinking about this, a particular experience came to mind and it was almost like an action movie began to play out in my mind. I was given an assignment, and if I chose to accept that mission, the possible outcomes could be incredible.

There is a common practice at the Language Training Center: briefing. It's great. When you get a new student, you go to what is called a "briefing" -- where one of the head teachers tells you about the new student you've been assigned to including cultural background, their level of language proficiency, their language goals and focus, texts you can use, etc. This has become a part of the job that I love because each student is absolutely different, with their own unique abilities and learning focuses. When I go in for a briefing, I feel like I am being handed a mission -- I am briefed with the object, the obstacles, and specific tactics or weapons that I am to use. The headteachers are like my tactical-instructors, my espionage gurus. It was so cool this week to go to another briefing simply because of what I learned. I have never had an Indian student before - which I have anticipated greatly! - and to be let in on all the details of this student's academic and business language journey was just awesome.

Recently, as I was brainstorming- I looked online (HAHA) for some secret agent lingo to use in the crafting of this entry. Instead, I found this really cute game-website called, "Who Wants To Be a Secret Agent?" Before entering the game, of course, they had to tell you what you were getting yourself into:

"For any nation or society with enemies there is no substitute for reliable intelligence and covert operations. Espionage is a dangerous business that cannot be conducted from afar. One must get those proverbial hands dirty. This is where the Secret Agent gets involved. When you enjoy a comfortable and predictable life, spies leave their friends, families and native cultures often for very long periods of time. They endure hardship and danger to adapt, observe, and conduct perilous missions. Secret Agents must have expert knowledge of their enemy."

As I read this kiddie-descriptor, I took a double-take of the last line. Secret Agents must have expert knowledge of their enemy. We have to know what we're looking for. We have to know who is looking for us. Our mission objectives, so to speak, as Christians, are simple: know the enemy, know the One you work for, and know YOUR objectives. What has God called us all to do? "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself"

Mission Control, this is Agent MS2010. I have landed in the designated region and I'm ready for assignment. I choose to accept the mission.