So tonight...or this morning...however one expresses it...I retire my pen and place my fingers on the keys - pressing each necessary one gently with my gray sweater covering the wrist and almost half of each of my hands. I write to try to understand things - to think through my thoughts - to lay everything out - like Hezekiah did - when his enemies were so close and he recieved word of their plans. He laid them out before the Lord and said, "Thy will be done." I wish I could say that more and with sincerity. Sometimes I question if God really cares that faith is hard or that this walk is hard. I question His humanity at times. Does He really understand the struggles I feel inside of not understanding or knowing what is going on? Does He understand the valley that comes when we don't put him first? How I hate being human sometimes. There are so many emotions, so many twists and turns - so many different contexts and mindsets that you are in. It is hard sometimes to separate the thoughts and experiences - by what is real and genuine and worthy to be logged away for future reference - and those that you would like to tie an anvil to and drop in the deepest sea - to remember them no longer. I have discovered this week that I am in bondage to what people think of me and/or my perception of others perceptions - if that makes any sense. I hate being where I am at - which that is usually the case when I find a weakness - I don't want to be seen with a mistake and I don't want to have the mistake. I feel like I bear such shame and there is no freedom for me to mess up or be human. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths." I know this is what I need to do. AHH - I am so weak! Have I come this far to place myself above the temptations of life - that I forgot they were there and when tempted - feel like such a rat? I am so weak and so uncapable of succeeding on my own. I have forgotten what this is all about - and it isn't me! Maybe this really is a necessary struggle that everyone must go through. We are such self-centered beings that we take in command that which we don't hear results from God on - at least - I do. If His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses - and there are a lot - and He took enough time to inspire that author of that concept - WITH that concept - than I should probably believe it. Lord - please be my rock - be my fortress.