...Wanderlust...

By definition, a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about is what some whimsically note as "wanderlust" ~ that dreamy, yet deep desire to go, see, experience something bigger than ourselves. I have experienced this SO many times. Whether it be to travel outside of the country to uncharted territories (for myself, at least) or to do or experience things here that I've never experienced, I have definitely had a mouth full of wanderlust. I've always been the "big dreamer", the visionary, the one to be captivated by the forest rather than the trees.

WANDER.
So many people wander through this life. So many people who do a lot of good things and bad things. Living out their lives, making decisions, either drawing closer or further to God all the time. Its like we wander from thing to thing, seeking out whatever will satisfy us. You've heard it before, if you've been in church long enough. The lust of the eyes, the pride of life, the lust of the flesh ~ things to be avoided, for sure (and a way of life to be avoided). For a while, I've felt like I've wandered away from the Shepherd's side. Its like everyone is sitting at His table, as their imperfect human-selves, soaking up God's mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, strength, and all the while, I've been sitting in the corner watching, not experiencing. Of course, there have been great times where I've been front and center, helping pass the food and soaking up the Son for myself. But there are seasons where I've also drawn back from the table, unable to approach. There have been times when my mind has wandered away from His truth.

LUST.
Crave. Hunger. Covet. Yearn.
We want it and we want it now.
I want it and I want it now.

What keeps turning our heads, causing us to wonder if something away from His peaceful side and life-giving water would be more satisfying?

What keeps us from wandering away from the Lord? I really want to think about this and not just let myself off the hook with a churchy answer. Father, help me to really think about this. I know the deep and authentic answer is practicing your presence. Not just reading the Bible. Or being obedient (although very important). Or going to church (also important). But its you. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship" resonates with me as I think about this. So God, how do I practice your presence? I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise - I will say THIS is the DAY that the LORD has MADE, I will rejoice (in all things, at all times) because HE has MADE me GLAD. (He does this! He brings the gladness! YES!) He has made me glad, He has made me glad; I will rejoice for He has made me glad.

I recently wrote in my journal that I just want to change. I keep seeing all this junk in my heart and with all the stressful things that have happened -- I just need freedom. "I'm sick of this old skin I'm in. Like a snake, my skin is old, itchy, decomposing -- I need to shed it -- I want to live in new, fresh skin. Like Eustace, in the Chronicles of Narnia, I've tried in my own strength to shred, shed, and scrape off all the dead stuff -- but Papa, my heart is stirred -- I need you, I really need you. I know you've never left me, but oh Lord, how I've left you. I confess it. I'm sorry, Papa. I need you to do what I cannot do for myself. Please, give me a new beginning."

A new beginning. That's what I need. A new mindset.

Your strength brings a freshness that I can't muster up for myself. Please cloak me with your strength, Father, so that I may glorify you, not myself. I confess that when I have your strength, God, sometimes its so easy to credit it to myself and believe that it came from somewhere within my human being. No way. Its ALL from you, Papa. I give you all the praise, glory, honor, and credit for anything and everything I can do. YOU enable me to do what I cannot. YOU are my strength.This is a picture from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, featuring Eustace (after he was turned into a dragon) and the noble mouse, Reepicheep. You see, Eustace was really a human boy. However, his greed and lust for treasure caused him to transform into a dragon. Miserable and frightened, Eustace begins to reflect on his life up until this point, realizing how awful he has been. Its almost like his new physical appearance as a nasty dragon was a picture of the real Eustace on the inside. Only after Eustace encounters Aslan is he able to experience the freedom from his dragon body (that's not really him). Aslan has to shred and shed the skin with his sharp claws because Eustace is only able to take off a few layers by himself. The first cut is the deepest and most painful, but Eustace says in the book that it is a good kind of pain. He experiences freedom from his old self. The old man.

Shed the uttermost
Shed this common ghost
that walks around half awake, half alive
Shed this old man
Cloak me in your light
the dead skin, a shroud of death
sin eats away until there's nothing left

Spirit -- Breath new life
BREATH it in the depths of this carnal soul
Spirit -- BREATH new life
BREATH it in the depths of my pain and my strife
Spirit -- BREATH new life -- RESURRECT me ONCE AGAIN
the power of your presence is LIFE

Shine your Spirit straight through me
Until my heart knows your reality
Scrape and take it all away.
I say...make me new, your way

LIFE

Before the last two months of events happened, I didn't walk around with the acknowledged idea that life was tough. I mean, I knew it was, but it seemed like there were enough good things to refocus my mind on that I didn't feel like I needed a general statement of "Life is TOUGH" or "Life is HARD" to label my life with -- until now. I feel like I've lived a lifetime with everything that has happened in the last two months. So many questions. So many things that are hard to process, let alone altogether. NOW, I think its time to say - Life is tough - which would be an adequate stamp on my journals these past few months.

DEATH.
My beloved dog, Daisy, died a week ago. I NEVER thought I would be a person to care that much for a dog -- but I do. I've cried like a member in our family has died. Daisy was the sweetest little dog we EVER had. She was such a good-natured dog; never went to the bathroom inside or barked too much, never gnawed on our socks or furniture, never sat begging for food or whined in the middle of the night. She was a great dog. And I feel like such a baby for crying about it -- I guess I've just never had a dog that was THAT great. Dad says that the house feels to empty without her.

In the last two weeks, 4 different friends/family members have suffered the loss of someone special in their lives. Man, I gotta say, I've felt the pain (which has added to the stress of everything in my personal life right now). Two of my friends have lost little girls who were on ventilators. A dear cousin lost a baby, delivered stillborn. My best friend from high school had a miscarriage.

BIG QUESTIONS.
You wouldn't think that the instance of losing a dog would cause anyone to raise BIG life questions, but I have been. Its like Daisy's death kinda sent me over the edge after all the death that's been happening. My thoughts towards God with all of this have been like, "Really, Lord? Why at this time? Why did she have to go? She brought us so much joy - we all loved her so much - and with all the CRAP that we've gone through in the past two months -- why did she have to go NOW? Of ALL the times? I mean, really -- Kristen just told us that she was pregnant two days after Christmas, my parents were devastated and it seems like every time I talk to them they are stressed or too tired, Kayla hasn't even applied to colleges because she is afraid that Mom and Dad will just give her excuses about how it isn't possible (even though they KNOW that GOD provided EVERYTHING for me) -- and Kayla so desperately wants to go to college and become a veterinarian -- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Its like EVERYTHING has reached the peak of TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!

I want to control everything. I want everything to be okay. Even now as I read this, I can feel my blood pressure rise and hot tears come to my eyes. I'm sick of things being stressful at home and not whole. My heart is NOT in the whole wedding thing anymore. I love Kristen and I will be there for her no matter what, but my heart isn't in it, everything is being rushed, and I want to call home to catch up, but I feel like I'm opening the same painful can of worms every time I do. I ache for something satisfying - and I know its my need for the Lord - but it just seems like there's too much junk to weed through. Too much yuck to deal with or talk about. I feel like I've been this constant walking problem for the last whenever.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS.
My roommate and I've been learning how to communicate, but overall, its been pretty tough. We are both in SUCH different places in life right now. I came into this rooming situation with expectations that didn't pan out the way I thought they would and my roommate has been through some tough places this last year where she doesn't feel like she has anything to give to anyone else. ARG. Its just frustrating. God is using it to change us and make us better, but its been hard living what I consider to be alone -- and that's what its felt like. Its hard to go from family or roommates (who you get along with really well and who want to 'do life' with you) to cold turkey nothing - where your roommate says maybe 8 words to you when they get home - and that's it. I can't say that I blame her --- I know she needs retreat and healing from everything that's happened in her life, and again - she is just at a very different place in life than I am right now -- but I really need community. I'm not asking for a new best friend. Gosh.

Geesh, maybe I'll think twice before naming my blog -- "Refined Clay"