I'll never be wealthy.

I've come to a rather serious realization. Unless the Lord brings a magical cloud over my house that rains 50 lb solid-gold eggs.......I am not going to be very wealthy by American standards. I just finished figuring out the last student loan due dates, totals, and monthly payments -- and total -- it adds up to be more than my rent and utilities combined. Seriously, I don't know how I am going to do it. I know that the whole 50 lb solid-gold egg idea was written as a joke, but I really and truly and honestly do not know how it is going to work. I am living fairly cheaply as it is. I'm not sure what else I can do.

There is a special woman, mentor in my life. She is someone I talk to frequently by phone, and doesn't have a lot in terms of worldly possessions. Her apartment is tiny, she lives simply and wisely, and money never seems to worry her. The only times I've heard her discuss money were times when she was sharing with me ways to save money (and let me tell you, she had some great ideas!) or times when God has provided an exact amount for a bill she needed. To note, she ALWAYS has food or coffee to offer her guests as well. I've never left her home hungry and I've never been able to finish the food that she has offered.

God, am I missing something?

I can't imagine what life would be like at this moment if I had a child to support, too. Whoa.

The question that I've asked myself and my dad over the last few days was simply -- "Why is it that some people live in ginormous houses, are able to put their children through experience private schools, keep them in style, go on family vacation,...while others wonder how they are going to pay the bill that is due in the next few days."

I know its not because God loves one person or family less than the other. Is it because God thinks one family will be more responsible with more funds than the other? I don't know. And that really doesn't help me solve my dilemma, but the fact is this: I love both of my jobs. My heart really is at the high school I work at. I also love my other teaching job. On the other side of the spectrum, I work with adult students who need help in their businesses and careers here in America. Oh God, please -- you know my needs. I am worried. I know that you have opened the door for both of these jobs and you've blessed me tremendously. Thank you, Father. Please help me to work hard and diligently so they see it. Please grant me favor in their eyes (bosses and colleagues at both jobs). Both of the jobs are barely keeping my head above water. I don't know what to do.

If you happened to read this post today because you chose to or maybe because you were browsing and sort of stumbled onto it, please say a prayer for me. Pray that my faith would not fail during this time. Paying off student loans = big time of faith...Pray that God would help me to develop good habits that will keep me to be faithful in paying them and not avoid them (pretending they don't exist). Also, if you have a few extra minutes, I'd love to hear about how God has provided for you over the years. Please feel free to share lessons you had to learn and how God helped you to learn them.

We're in this together, right God?

Little Woman

When you are growing up, people tell you one of three things: a) you will never be able to rewind the clock, so you better enjoy it while you can, b) you're skinny, you can handle another ice cream cone, c) when I was your age, we NEVER did...

Well, I've come to the point where I am no longer a child. I feel in some way as if I am facing an iced glass window, just waiting for the reflection of my younger self to suddenly appear and cackle in my face. I don't want to wish I was younger. I just want to relish in the now. God has redeemed my past, so there is no longer a reason to look back with sore eyes and a mournful heart. Yes, I sinned. Yes, I was far from God. But GOD. God came and opened my eyes -- He romanced me and showed me that He wasn't interested in me for the "righteous acts" that I could do to service His cause, but that He was interested in my heart, my hurt, and my healing. He wanted ME. And now, I serve Him because I love Him. I love Adoni. That's what I keep coming back to -- my altar of stones where God first met with me. Where He REALLY met with me and I REALLY saw Him.

Whenever I'm discouraged, I know its because I've taken my eyes off of Him and, of course, His love for me. When I walk on the path He has for me -- sometimes consisting of dark places and bushy areas, sometimes full of mossy carpets and foggy visages, sometimes quietly peaceful little walkways where His sunlight paints my walkway -- I see Him and I trust Him, regardless of what is going on.

I've struggled with pride this week. Pride because I want to do what I want to do. Pride because I think I know whats best. Pride because I want it the way I want it. Tonight, I realized in a conversation with my granny -- one of the most precious women of God that I know -- that the reason I was upset and have been stressed this week is because I have been struggling with God. Daily, I just came to reason -- and I don't know why I keep reverting back to this! -- that God just was showing me that teaching wasn't really what I was supposed to do or that He was letting me fail or fall on my face for no reason. No! He says in His word that we will have many troubles, but to take heart! Because He has overcome! THE WORLD! What?! Yep. My pain isn't His fault. He will not let anything come that I cannot handle with His help.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." ~ John 16:33

No one tells you that when you become an adult that you may deal with loneliness as you wait for God's blessings to unfold. You are never told that you won't be perfect at your first job and that your first year of teaching is sometimes the pits (well, okay, so they tell you that in college -- but does that really count?). No one tells you that although you can buy what you want as an adult, that you don't really need to.

There is so much to learn. God is shaping me and making me a diligent woman. I may not be as mature as I should be -- as a responsible, adult-like woman, but I know that His spirit in me is my aid and advocate.

God, may I be the little woman you want me to be -- a shadow of your son, Jesus, and one that brings you glory.

I heard this song on the way home - through tears and rain -- which is a bad combination... Thankfully, God was watching out for me. It's by MERCY ME, called Bring the Rain.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty