Peter, the Rock

Have you ever considered the meaning of your name? I know I have, and I wasn't too happy about it. Thankfully, when you add "sue" onto my first name things get better. Mary is Hebrew for bitter. Yeah. Not exactly the mantra I want to live under. But when you add sue, its like my entire meaning changed. I get names like, 'wished for child' and 'star of the sea'. Sweet, huh?

I've always loved learning the meaning of names. I think its neat that you could name someone Wisdom (Sophia), Beloved (David) or 'God Rescues' (Joshua), as in a real-live allegory. However, most people never really live up to their name. Think about it. Peter in the Bible, whose name means "the Rock", steady, sure --- was everything BUT what his name meant. One moment, he tells Jesus that he would never deny him and then the next ---- those very words he lived to regret came out three times! Peter, the one who stepped out of the boat -- confidently keeping his eyes on Jesus -- walked on water! However, the moment he looked down and drew his gaze from Jesus -- that's when he began to sink. Peter was up and down, up and down -- and yet Jesus still saw something in him.

Jesus doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. Jesus didn't just toss Peter to the side. He even met with him on the beach after his death -- "Peter, do you love me?" --"Do you love me?" -- "Do you love me?" ~ "Then feed my lambs"

It was exactly what Peter needed though - to be forgiven, to see that Jesus still saw potential in him, purpose in him, despite his fearful heart and actions. Peter deserved to be left! He deserved to be abandoned and just left alone. But Jesus didn't do that. Its amazing what we will do and how we really step up when people believe that we still have good in us or potential. Its like when that bar is raised, we rise to the occasion. Peter eventually did.

If you know anything about my personal testimony, you'll know that there came a point where going solo wasn't possible anymore, hiding under my parents Christian mantra was too difficult, and that fake Christian mask I wore in high school was melting away because my sin was taking more and more ground. There was deep sin in my life and it was rotting out the core of my being. It was like the more I lived in that sin, it continued to consume more and more of me - and the me that God intended for me to be couldn't ever grow and take shape.

I remember having some of those really deep conversations with my dad. After confessing some sins that I had been committing, I waited to see the anger dispatch across his face like a tactical war order. However, as I stood before him, quite shorter at the time than I am now, I watched as his face distorted into this soft, wrinkled mirror of pain, reflecting my own. Truly, I waited for him to scold me and go over all the "You know's", but he didn't. He just held me as I cried.

Why do I get so far from where God first saved me? Why do I, like the Israelites, forget the stones? The stones they set up ON PURPOSE to remember what God had done for them. Those stones were meant for the Israelites to help keep them steady and sure. To keep them focused and driven, to meet the bar, to remember WHO they WERE.

The NAME of Christian that we were given isn't possible to live up to on our own. If I'm trying to do it in my strength, I will fail. And I have. Recently. We can never truly live up to our names or the name of Christian without His grace, without His power and without our surrendered will. Am I a "little Christ" ? Am I living out my name, Papa?

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"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land..." ~2 Chrn. 7:14

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--" ~Ephesians 2:8

Wedding Pics!

Okay, so here are just a few of the pics I was able to take. I missed a lot because I was IN the wedding, but professional ones should be coming soon!

Us three gals before walking down the aisle. Kristen looked so beautiful!

A Fresh Start

Hello, friends!

I am back in the blog-writing mode and ready for something new. Looking back over the past few entries -- gosh! Isn't it crazy how we go through tough seasons? Its evident what we're acting out in -- faith or fear. I think I spent too much time giving way for anxiety to rule instead of trying to look for the things God was doing in the midst.

So here's my new beginning (via cyberspace).

Updates on life:
~Kristen got married on Sunday. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be, and I enjoyed the time home immensely. We had a FANTASTIC bachelorette party and such a fun time despite the crazy mess-ups at the ceremony and reception (and there were quite a few!) Although things aren't going to be easy for them, I see God's hand in the midst. I continue to pray and wait to hear/see how God provides. Kristen texted me yesterday....lonely already... (Justin was at work). I know she is going to need me a lot now. God, please help me to be a faithful friend to Kristen and source of comfort.

~God provided a car! As many of you might know, I was struck by the "bad things happen in three" theory a few weeks ago. First, my computer crashed (which, amazingly, I am now using again somehow!), then my old buick was swallowed by a pothole that broke the frame (which was unrepairable), and now I am facing decisions that will affect my living situation. AHH! So, to say the least, there were a few weeks that were really rough because I didn't have any answers and wasn't sure where things were going -- aka -- I was trying to figure it all out in my own strength. I took about three weeks to look for a car and finally found a GREAT deal. Granted, my car is kinda like a fancy nursing home on wheels (07 Grand Marquis) or a tank for the elderly (because its HUGE), but it is SUPER nice and I got it for a good price. Thanks, Lord! Help me to take such good care of it!

~Last week, I attended a two-day conference called, Beyond Diversity. It was excellent. The idea was to speak up about race instead of letting it be this taboo topic. I really enjoyed the perspectives. It also reminded me of how much social injustice makes me upset. We discussed the idea of "examining the presence and role of whiteness" --- or the idea that we have what's called "white privilege" and we don't even realize it. Sure, black people have the same rights and freedoms that everyone else does now, but they are still treated differently. It was very interesting. I felt like my heart reached on every emotion -- sadness for how people are treated -- these people, my brothers and sisters; annoyance for the opposite side of the spectrum -- that there is reverse racism on white people (that WASN'T really talked about). Overall, it was really good though. I thought a lot about my ESL students - mostly Hispanic. They encounter the same issues and battles. Even today in class, I walked around and talked with different students about a writing assignment they had about Spring Break. One of my students was talking about how she was going to Mexico for the first time and how she was so excited. To have EVERYTHING in SPANISH! WOW! Then, she said that her mom had told her that, "You won't have to worry! [In Mexico,] You can walk anywhere and not worry about the cops stopping you or taking you away" --- and there, I saw it again. Phew. To live with that fear gnawing at your strength in the back of your mind...especially as a 12 year old.

Social Injustice makes me sick.


~Over the last week, I met two different guys who asked for my number (at separate times :P). Don't get too excited. I didn't exactly meet them in places where I want to meet Mr. Right. Can I just ask this simple question? Why is it that when I'm at a place where there aren't any Christians that guys come up and ask me out, but then in Christian circles, I feel like it takes FOREVER for ANYONE to make a move??? I mean, its not like I dress immodestly to attract the wrong type of attention or anything, nor do I change who I am to impress them. ARG.

I read a devotional by Oswald Chambers yesterday that helped bring me back to reality. Obviously, its not going to work with someone who doesnt love God. Its like trying to mix oil and water. Oswald talked about thinking ahead to the end result of whatever emotion you are experiencing -- if the end result doesn't please God, then you're done. You know that its not worth it.

"Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, March 22)

I went on a separate date with one of them, and the whole time it was so obvious that the only pieces of me that could relate to him were part of my carnal nature. It stinks. He was so attractive and the whole time I sat there, I really wanted to relate with him. ARG. Why do I keep meeting attractive guys who don't care about God?! He texted me throughout the weekend and then we chatted on facebook --- if the ending won't please God, I just want it to end. Any thoughts or perspectives on this??

Oh and P.S. >> You may get a kick out of this -- the first guy who asked for my number contacted me and upon greeting me, said "Hey Sweetie Pie" -- I was turned off immediately and didn't return his call. HAHAHA. You don't know me. You have no right to call me that. BLECH.

So, that area of my life has been really interesting. God knows all about this. I just need to focus on being myself and trusting him.


Well, thank goodness, I finally have some GOOD things to report on! Lord, I need a fresh mindset. Create in me a clean and undivided heart, and renew a loyal and steadfast spirit within me.