Clay that needs to Return

I recently visited a good friend to plan for a purity retreat that I will be speaking at in January. On my way, I began to hear a soft clicking noise come from my engine. I had heard it that morning on my way to school, but now the noise was getting louder. I called my dad about it and described the issue. I got easily offended as he was trying to help. My pride got the better of me. Because I don't like the fact that I don't know anything about cars, I got mad at him and tried to cover it up with snooty comments, trying to prove I wasn't ignorant. It didn't help that it was pouring rain either. ARG. How dumb, right? I think that same tendancy happens with sports. All of my cousins are really into sports, and my interest hasn't ever been that huge. Sure, I enjoy a game, but I don't know all the players, their names, and their favorite brand of toothpaste like my cousins do (they're great). So, there again, I feel like I need to either compensate and act like I do know what I am talking about, or just say nothing. It's that pride and insecurity that seems to come back up again. I am confident about this thought: I am not taking steps back, but forward. This is just the next step.

So, my story doesn't end there. By the time I finally got my car back on the road, I was tired, soaked, and mad. I just cried. I was frustrated with myself. It seemed as if that took that cake. It was like all of the other frustrations I had about myself came down. I knew I was wrong and had talked to my dad wrongly. I called him and apologized, but afterwords, I just got so upset with myself. My lack of discipline, my lack of this and that. I called my friend, let her know I'd be late, and arrived later still annoyed with myself. She knew that I was upset and had been praying for me. Then God spoke.

Beth shared a few verses from Jeremiah. God had spoke to her while she was praying for me and the verses he sent surprised her. I've been reading Jeremiah, too, lately, and it seems like it is all doom and gloom, death and destruction. However, these few verses that God had sent talked about however long the law will last, that is how long His love with last.

I won't ever not need Him, and I know that. But, I need to Return to Him once again, seeking more than just change in myself. Do I really believe that it is His character I need to have faith in? He will change me. He will. The woman who hemorraged for 12 long years was finally healed because she pursued Jesus, touching him with her faith.

Redemption: A Reason to Stick Around

This past Friday, I had a seminar on IWU's campus for student teachers, so I thought that I would make a weekend out of it and visit some friends while I was there. I also kept in mind that I had portfolio work to complete, so I kept a lot of Saturday for that. While there, I met with two professors and I shared China and my experiences over the last few months. Both had similar reactions and responses to my experiences: redemption. Dr. Dave Smith, my inductive Bible study professor, talked about the verse (among others) from Philippians 3:9-11, "and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Phew. Can I really pray that and mean it? He shared with me about a Bible college where there is a class that is called, "Theology of Suffering". He looked at me and said, "Out of all the 30 credits they are required to take, I can't believe that they only have one class that addresses suffering. That needs to be in EVERY class" (I am paraphrasing). Why are we so surprised by suffering? It looks different in every case and it may not mean a life-threatening force coming against us -- but in many ways it is a "life-in-Christ" threatening force that comes against us. These past months I have questioned God. "Why did you let this happen?" Would His answer lessen the pain? "Why couldn't I have learned this in a different context? Why did it have to happen at the apex of my college career -- and why did it have to be so public??" God has been patient with me. I don't know the answers still. I have seen many good things come out of it, but my heart has still asked those all to familiar questions. Finally, Dr. Dave said, "Do you really want to know Christ?" I felt that it was a defining moment for me. Do I? Do I really? Out of all the things he shared with me, he mentioned that he was waiting for the day when I will email him, telling him that I have finally thanked God for allowing this to happen. Through tears, I admitted that I haven't been able to do that yet. It still hurts so much, it is still fresh. He knew the meaning of this and gracefully encouraged me that it WOULD happen. And He would wait for that message from me.

Saturday, I met with Prof. Bruehler to discuss my portfolio and some students that I needed new ideas for. We talked about much more than I thought we would. In my mind, I knew I needed to just stick with business, even though I wanted to share my heart. On thursday night, I bumped into her at McConn Coffee, our school's coffee shop. I didn't expect it. It was really good to connect with her though. I had wondered this summer what I would say to my professors when I saw them this fall. It was so natural though. She invited me to our TESOL dinner on Sunday and told me it was good to see me. We chatted about things with no relevance and it was good. On Saturday, we talked business, but I knew she would want to know more about how I was doing. I told her this experience has been so different than this Spring -- and she asked why. I didn't give her all the reasons, but there are so many! I wish I could list them! Most importantly -- and this has been the most important difference -- I have walked into this experience so much more confident than I was this Spring. In my heart, I still question if it was really worth it -- why did I have to learn confidence through such a tough experience? Anyway, I shared with her what I've learned. It was really good to get non-judgmental feedback. She was really encouraging, and shared that God wants to redeem all crappy situations. Redeem. That word again. She shared experiences that were similar to mine. She then shared how the most important reason she "sticks around" is because of that redemptive grace God offers. People relate to failure, pain, heartache, everyday crap. Not perfection. We need our situations redeemed, and that is what the heart of the gospel is! I shared with Dr. Dave that I couldn't understand how I shared the gospel as much as I did this summer. It BLEW my mind! He smiled and said, "Maybe it wasn't that you were sharing the gospel more, but you were sharing more of yourself -- which has been redeemed by the power of the gospel" -- AND that is what people -- what those girls related to! I shared how I was a teenage screwup and how my life IS NOT perfect. AND they GOT IT. That's what Jesus did in my life this summer! As I realized this in our conversation (and even now as I write this!) -- it all seemed to click. Wow.

Something I realized while talking with Prof. Bruehler was that healing from a situation is so much harder when I don't admit my faults, too. I had been so focused on all the hurtful things that they had said, the fact that they were my trusted profs. and they had accused me of things I didn't even do, and the fact that China was ruined because of them. However, I had faults, too. I could have done a much better job than I did. Even though I completed most of my course work and teaching in good standing, I was so immature. I was so insecure. I gave a voice to my fears and that became reason. Man, why do I have to be such a late bloomer in that aspect of life? One of my cooperating teachers made this statement this spring and I now agree with it: "You are so worried about not doing well or not doing everything perfectly, that you are affecting your own performance." Others said, "Relax! Be confident in yourself." (easier said than done, I know.)With all of my work in the past, I don't think I ever had to really worry. It came fairly easy to me and I had peers to consult and relate with in course work. Now, however, on my own --the stakes were higher and I wasn't sure I could do it -- so I freaked out a little. Its amazing what a little insecurity can do to your recipe for success. Yet, God can redeem all of this. And He is. And He will continue to do so.

God, redeem these memories! Redeem what happened! Redeem it -- make all of that toil and heartache worthwhile someday!

So, here I am. It is October and I am a different person. It doesn't seem like I am changing from glory to glory, but I know I am being refined. It still hurts, but pain comes with the territory - or so I have heard and am learning. Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter.