I recently visited a good friend to plan for a purity retreat that I will be speaking at in January. On my way, I began to hear a soft clicking noise come from my engine. I had heard it that morning on my way to school, but now the noise was getting louder. I called my dad about it and described the issue. I got easily offended as he was trying to help. My pride got the better of me. Because I don't like the fact that I don't know anything about cars, I got mad at him and tried to cover it up with snooty comments, trying to prove I wasn't ignorant. It didn't help that it was pouring rain either. ARG. How dumb, right? I think that same tendancy happens with sports. All of my cousins are really into sports, and my interest hasn't ever been that huge. Sure, I enjoy a game, but I don't know all the players, their names, and their favorite brand of toothpaste like my cousins do (they're great). So, there again, I feel like I need to either compensate and act like I do know what I am talking about, or just say nothing. It's that pride and insecurity that seems to come back up again. I am confident about this thought: I am not taking steps back, but forward. This is just the next step.
So, my story doesn't end there. By the time I finally got my car back on the road, I was tired, soaked, and mad. I just cried. I was frustrated with myself. It seemed as if that took that cake. It was like all of the other frustrations I had about myself came down. I knew I was wrong and had talked to my dad wrongly. I called him and apologized, but afterwords, I just got so upset with myself. My lack of discipline, my lack of this and that. I called my friend, let her know I'd be late, and arrived later still annoyed with myself. She knew that I was upset and had been praying for me. Then God spoke.
Beth shared a few verses from Jeremiah. God had spoke to her while she was praying for me and the verses he sent surprised her. I've been reading Jeremiah, too, lately, and it seems like it is all doom and gloom, death and destruction. However, these few verses that God had sent talked about however long the law will last, that is how long His love with last.
I won't ever not need Him, and I know that. But, I need to Return to Him once again, seeking more than just change in myself. Do I really believe that it is His character I need to have faith in? He will change me. He will. The woman who hemorraged for 12 long years was finally healed because she pursued Jesus, touching him with her faith.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Redemption: A Reason to Stick Around
This past Friday, I had a seminar on IWU's campus for student teachers, so I thought that I would make a weekend out of it and visit some friends while I was there. I also kept in mind that I had portfolio work to complete, so I kept a lot of Saturday for that. While there, I met with two professors and I shared China and my experiences over the last few months. Both had similar reactions and responses to my experiences: redemption. Dr. Dave Smith, my inductive Bible study professor, talked about the verse (among others) from Philippians 3:9-11, "and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Phew. Can I really pray that and mean it? He shared with me about a Bible college where there is a class that is called, "Theology of Suffering". He looked at me and said, "Out of all the 30 credits they are required to take, I can't believe that they only have one class that addresses suffering. That needs to be in EVERY class" (I am paraphrasing). Why are we so surprised by suffering? It looks different in every case and it may not mean a life-threatening force coming against us -- but in many ways it is a "life-in-Christ" threatening force that comes against us. These past months I have questioned God. "Why did you let this happen?" Would His answer lessen the pain? "Why couldn't I have learned this in a different context? Why did it have to happen at the apex of my college career -- and why did it have to be so public??" God has been patient with me. I don't know the answers still. I have seen many good things come out of it, but my heart has still asked those all to familiar questions. Finally, Dr. Dave said, "Do you really want to know Christ?" I felt that it was a defining moment for me. Do I? Do I really? Out of all the things he shared with me, he mentioned that he was waiting for the day when I will email him, telling him that I have finally thanked God for allowing this to happen. Through tears, I admitted that I haven't been able to do that yet. It still hurts so much, it is still fresh. He knew the meaning of this and gracefully encouraged me that it WOULD happen. And He would wait for that message from me.
Saturday, I met with Prof. Bruehler to discuss my portfolio and some students that I needed new ideas for. We talked about much more than I thought we would. In my mind, I knew I needed to just stick with business, even though I wanted to share my heart. On thursday night, I bumped into her at McConn Coffee, our school's coffee shop. I didn't expect it. It was really good to connect with her though. I had wondered this summer what I would say to my professors when I saw them this fall. It was so natural though. She invited me to our TESOL dinner on Sunday and told me it was good to see me. We chatted about things with no relevance and it was good. On Saturday, we talked business, but I knew she would want to know more about how I was doing. I told her this experience has been so different than this Spring -- and she asked why. I didn't give her all the reasons, but there are so many! I wish I could list them! Most importantly -- and this has been the most important difference -- I have walked into this experience so much more confident than I was this Spring. In my heart, I still question if it was really worth it -- why did I have to learn confidence through such a tough experience? Anyway, I shared with her what I've learned. It was really good to get non-judgmental feedback. She was really encouraging, and shared that God wants to redeem all crappy situations. Redeem. That word again. She shared experiences that were similar to mine. She then shared how the most important reason she "sticks around" is because of that redemptive grace God offers. People relate to failure, pain, heartache, everyday crap. Not perfection. We need our situations redeemed, and that is what the heart of the gospel is! I shared with Dr. Dave that I couldn't understand how I shared the gospel as much as I did this summer. It BLEW my mind! He smiled and said, "Maybe it wasn't that you were sharing the gospel more, but you were sharing more of yourself -- which has been redeemed by the power of the gospel" -- AND that is what people -- what those girls related to! I shared how I was a teenage screwup and how my life IS NOT perfect. AND they GOT IT. That's what Jesus did in my life this summer! As I realized this in our conversation (and even now as I write this!) -- it all seemed to click. Wow.
Something I realized while talking with Prof. Bruehler was that healing from a situation is so much harder when I don't admit my faults, too. I had been so focused on all the hurtful things that they had said, the fact that they were my trusted profs. and they had accused me of things I didn't even do, and the fact that China was ruined because of them. However, I had faults, too. I could have done a much better job than I did. Even though I completed most of my course work and teaching in good standing, I was so immature. I was so insecure. I gave a voice to my fears and that became reason. Man, why do I have to be such a late bloomer in that aspect of life? One of my cooperating teachers made this statement this spring and I now agree with it: "You are so worried about not doing well or not doing everything perfectly, that you are affecting your own performance." Others said, "Relax! Be confident in yourself." (easier said than done, I know.)With all of my work in the past, I don't think I ever had to really worry. It came fairly easy to me and I had peers to consult and relate with in course work. Now, however, on my own --the stakes were higher and I wasn't sure I could do it -- so I freaked out a little. Its amazing what a little insecurity can do to your recipe for success. Yet, God can redeem all of this. And He is. And He will continue to do so.
God, redeem these memories! Redeem what happened! Redeem it -- make all of that toil and heartache worthwhile someday!
So, here I am. It is October and I am a different person. It doesn't seem like I am changing from glory to glory, but I know I am being refined. It still hurts, but pain comes with the territory - or so I have heard and am learning. Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter.
Saturday, I met with Prof. Bruehler to discuss my portfolio and some students that I needed new ideas for. We talked about much more than I thought we would. In my mind, I knew I needed to just stick with business, even though I wanted to share my heart. On thursday night, I bumped into her at McConn Coffee, our school's coffee shop. I didn't expect it. It was really good to connect with her though. I had wondered this summer what I would say to my professors when I saw them this fall. It was so natural though. She invited me to our TESOL dinner on Sunday and told me it was good to see me. We chatted about things with no relevance and it was good. On Saturday, we talked business, but I knew she would want to know more about how I was doing. I told her this experience has been so different than this Spring -- and she asked why. I didn't give her all the reasons, but there are so many! I wish I could list them! Most importantly -- and this has been the most important difference -- I have walked into this experience so much more confident than I was this Spring. In my heart, I still question if it was really worth it -- why did I have to learn confidence through such a tough experience? Anyway, I shared with her what I've learned. It was really good to get non-judgmental feedback. She was really encouraging, and shared that God wants to redeem all crappy situations. Redeem. That word again. She shared experiences that were similar to mine. She then shared how the most important reason she "sticks around" is because of that redemptive grace God offers. People relate to failure, pain, heartache, everyday crap. Not perfection. We need our situations redeemed, and that is what the heart of the gospel is! I shared with Dr. Dave that I couldn't understand how I shared the gospel as much as I did this summer. It BLEW my mind! He smiled and said, "Maybe it wasn't that you were sharing the gospel more, but you were sharing more of yourself -- which has been redeemed by the power of the gospel" -- AND that is what people -- what those girls related to! I shared how I was a teenage screwup and how my life IS NOT perfect. AND they GOT IT. That's what Jesus did in my life this summer! As I realized this in our conversation (and even now as I write this!) -- it all seemed to click. Wow.
Something I realized while talking with Prof. Bruehler was that healing from a situation is so much harder when I don't admit my faults, too. I had been so focused on all the hurtful things that they had said, the fact that they were my trusted profs. and they had accused me of things I didn't even do, and the fact that China was ruined because of them. However, I had faults, too. I could have done a much better job than I did. Even though I completed most of my course work and teaching in good standing, I was so immature. I was so insecure. I gave a voice to my fears and that became reason. Man, why do I have to be such a late bloomer in that aspect of life? One of my cooperating teachers made this statement this spring and I now agree with it: "You are so worried about not doing well or not doing everything perfectly, that you are affecting your own performance." Others said, "Relax! Be confident in yourself." (easier said than done, I know.)With all of my work in the past, I don't think I ever had to really worry. It came fairly easy to me and I had peers to consult and relate with in course work. Now, however, on my own --the stakes were higher and I wasn't sure I could do it -- so I freaked out a little. Its amazing what a little insecurity can do to your recipe for success. Yet, God can redeem all of this. And He is. And He will continue to do so.
God, redeem these memories! Redeem what happened! Redeem it -- make all of that toil and heartache worthwhile someday!
So, here I am. It is October and I am a different person. It doesn't seem like I am changing from glory to glory, but I know I am being refined. It still hurts, but pain comes with the territory - or so I have heard and am learning. Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter
So yes, now it has been about 4 months and I have not posted in a while. To be perfectly honest, its been a tough year. My last post regarded a very abridged slice of all the things that went on through my mind regarding China -- very, very abridged. This summer was one of the toughest. Having left school unnaturally by not passing student teaching or graduating, I might add, it was difficult not to hang my head in shame, and wonder what was happening and why God was allowing it (with no answers). I went back home and worked for another summer at a juvenile facility, which I have truly learned to love.
It was a hard summer for a few reasons, and I will try to share this with as much clarity as I can. I left school, having been told by three professors that I was emotionally unstable and professionally inept. PHEW. It didn't make sense to me either. How does one take that?? I didn't know how to take it and felt completely misunderstood. I remember that their culminating opinion (and I wrote it down) was that "Mary Sue, it's not your teaching or your ability to write lesson plans or your love of kids. Its that we don't think you are emotinally or professionally ready." I didn't even know they could do that! I was totally blown away - I had never had a bad relationship with a professor or teacher. I am pretty sure that I was depressed this summer because of it. These statements were taken from a few situations and blow way out of proportion. They didn't even know the full story from any situation they addressed. All the while that events were shaping the course of my student teaching experiences, I was keeping them updated, along with family and close friends -- and they were all a buzz trying to figure out why my professors were making the claims that they did, too. So, I went home with a huge hole cute out of my head and heart, trying to weed out the truthful things they did say and the false things that their impressions lead them to believe. I felt terrible because every day it was like I started at square one again - never really getting anywhere. Nothing made sense. And, my parents were the first to hear of it all, every day. They bore much with patience and love. I owe them a great deal. I owe others a great deal, too. The weekend I was to graduate, some very dear family friends came to visit us and they told me it was my day and we could go and do anything that I wanted to do. Ha. What is there to do in MI? But, I appreciated the sentiment. We camped out in the living room with a movie and pizza that night. Others from church offered their sympathies and bemusements, as I tried to explain the situations and the various accompanying reactions.
All summer, I struggled with purpose. What did God have for me now? I had planned on retaking student teaching, but was I really supposed to? I had never failed a class in my life (not that I couldn't have - by God's grace, I did well). How do you go back and fix and re-learn what you thought you knew? How do you battle the bitterness derived from ignorant people who didn't have to pay the cost of returning for yet another semester? ARG. It makes me angry thinking about it. What will I say when I see those professors again? I have nothing to say to them. I want to react well, but how?
A most ironic part of my summer, being so down in the dumps and feeling purposeless was my job at the youth home. I have NEVER shared the Gospel MORE than I did this summer. I was placed on a Sunday schedule, and literally attended church with my family twice the entire summer. I had never worked Sundays before and my parents had always raised us to live so. However, this job is kind of like a hospital. You cannot just lock them up, turn off the lights, and return at 8 a.m. So, I took the Sunday schedule. It was AMAZING. God fueled my time with the ladies there and because it was a consistent schedule, I was able to do so much and they were enabled to prepare themselves for my shift. God fueled my time with a few really great things. First of all, He gave me this awesome vision of teaching these girls life skills, self confidence, and the Bible. So, as He inspired lessons and activities, I wrote and taught them. It was so great! I grew to anticipate my Sunday shift with them. I was able to lead two girls to Christ, who are both recovering drug addicts (PRAISE GOD!) and able to teach various aspects of Biblical culture (what I learned and knew I taught them). MAN, it was just the coolest thing. I love those girls.
So, you might imagine my slight confusion at the success of teaching there and the train wreck I was in the previous months. I can hardly explain it. Now when I look back -- and this is such a HUGE understatement -- my teaching experience this fall and this spring is night and day difference. It is, so much so, that I really feel like there was a greater power at work. I don't why it happened. I know I have changed and grown up a lot from it. I am still bitter towards my professors when I think about it (which you can pray for me about!). If only they knew me, knew my experience at the youth home, knew that I was not at all what they thought -- that their few short impressions were not at all truth. Man.
SO NOW, here is my major update. I am student teaching again and this time -- it has been completely different. It is absolutely amazing! This was the semester I had hoped for last semester, the experiences that I desired with students. I am not kidding! I just stand back and my jaw inwardly drops at times. I have a wonderful supervising teacher, two new professors (who are my advisors; I do not have the ones I had last semester), and I have begun this semester so much more confident and ready for the tasks that I know lay ahead. I praise God, for He is my strength and provision! Also, He provided a place for me to stay, with my cousin Lara, only 10 minutes away from my schools. Crazy, right?!
From all of this, I have learned some really important lessons and am continuing to learn them.
I have learned that:
It was a hard summer for a few reasons, and I will try to share this with as much clarity as I can. I left school, having been told by three professors that I was emotionally unstable and professionally inept. PHEW. It didn't make sense to me either. How does one take that?? I didn't know how to take it and felt completely misunderstood. I remember that their culminating opinion (and I wrote it down) was that "Mary Sue, it's not your teaching or your ability to write lesson plans or your love of kids. Its that we don't think you are emotinally or professionally ready." I didn't even know they could do that! I was totally blown away - I had never had a bad relationship with a professor or teacher. I am pretty sure that I was depressed this summer because of it. These statements were taken from a few situations and blow way out of proportion. They didn't even know the full story from any situation they addressed. All the while that events were shaping the course of my student teaching experiences, I was keeping them updated, along with family and close friends -- and they were all a buzz trying to figure out why my professors were making the claims that they did, too. So, I went home with a huge hole cute out of my head and heart, trying to weed out the truthful things they did say and the false things that their impressions lead them to believe. I felt terrible because every day it was like I started at square one again - never really getting anywhere. Nothing made sense. And, my parents were the first to hear of it all, every day. They bore much with patience and love. I owe them a great deal. I owe others a great deal, too. The weekend I was to graduate, some very dear family friends came to visit us and they told me it was my day and we could go and do anything that I wanted to do. Ha. What is there to do in MI? But, I appreciated the sentiment. We camped out in the living room with a movie and pizza that night. Others from church offered their sympathies and bemusements, as I tried to explain the situations and the various accompanying reactions.
All summer, I struggled with purpose. What did God have for me now? I had planned on retaking student teaching, but was I really supposed to? I had never failed a class in my life (not that I couldn't have - by God's grace, I did well). How do you go back and fix and re-learn what you thought you knew? How do you battle the bitterness derived from ignorant people who didn't have to pay the cost of returning for yet another semester? ARG. It makes me angry thinking about it. What will I say when I see those professors again? I have nothing to say to them. I want to react well, but how?
A most ironic part of my summer, being so down in the dumps and feeling purposeless was my job at the youth home. I have NEVER shared the Gospel MORE than I did this summer. I was placed on a Sunday schedule, and literally attended church with my family twice the entire summer. I had never worked Sundays before and my parents had always raised us to live so. However, this job is kind of like a hospital. You cannot just lock them up, turn off the lights, and return at 8 a.m. So, I took the Sunday schedule. It was AMAZING. God fueled my time with the ladies there and because it was a consistent schedule, I was able to do so much and they were enabled to prepare themselves for my shift. God fueled my time with a few really great things. First of all, He gave me this awesome vision of teaching these girls life skills, self confidence, and the Bible. So, as He inspired lessons and activities, I wrote and taught them. It was so great! I grew to anticipate my Sunday shift with them. I was able to lead two girls to Christ, who are both recovering drug addicts (PRAISE GOD!) and able to teach various aspects of Biblical culture (what I learned and knew I taught them). MAN, it was just the coolest thing. I love those girls.
So, you might imagine my slight confusion at the success of teaching there and the train wreck I was in the previous months. I can hardly explain it. Now when I look back -- and this is such a HUGE understatement -- my teaching experience this fall and this spring is night and day difference. It is, so much so, that I really feel like there was a greater power at work. I don't why it happened. I know I have changed and grown up a lot from it. I am still bitter towards my professors when I think about it (which you can pray for me about!). If only they knew me, knew my experience at the youth home, knew that I was not at all what they thought -- that their few short impressions were not at all truth. Man.
SO NOW, here is my major update. I am student teaching again and this time -- it has been completely different. It is absolutely amazing! This was the semester I had hoped for last semester, the experiences that I desired with students. I am not kidding! I just stand back and my jaw inwardly drops at times. I have a wonderful supervising teacher, two new professors (who are my advisors; I do not have the ones I had last semester), and I have begun this semester so much more confident and ready for the tasks that I know lay ahead. I praise God, for He is my strength and provision! Also, He provided a place for me to stay, with my cousin Lara, only 10 minutes away from my schools. Crazy, right?!
From all of this, I have learned some really important lessons and am continuing to learn them.
I have learned that:
- When I give voice to my insecurities or fears, they wrap around me and choke out any confidence that I might have. When I start voicing my fears as if they are reality, then I give them the freedom to linger longer.
- I can only do my best for this day. This day He has given to me. I will rejoice in it.
- Not every claim made against you is valid, even when the claims are made by trusted advisors.
- God knows, He loves, He cares. He knew I needed to go through this tough time. He knew I needed to be challenged. It hurt a lot. I wish I could be totally humble in this situation, yet I still feel like it was not all my doing. Circumstances were incredibly odd.
- I cannot push my will onto God. I dreamt about China for four years, and was convinced in many ways that was where I was supposed to be. Deep down, there were areas that were not so sure, outside of the normal curiosities or questions.
- Hiccups aren't necessarily just tests that God wants you to push through to build your faith (although He does use them for that, too). They can also be ways that God communicates a need for change in direction. There were many, many hiccups before China. MANY. All the while, I just thought that God wanted me to push through them and I voiced my dedication to this trip and His "calling" more than to my relationship with Him. Man, it stinks to be wrong with something like that.
For now, I am trying to learn to rest back in the Potter's Hands. This post only scratches the surface of what I have learned and what I am learning. I am learning to trust God again. I am learning to just have faith -- which sometimes you have to struggle without it to understand how awesome God is when you do have it. I am learning step by step, and consider myself a spiritual baby again, in some ways. I do need my Father.
Pray that God would help me to be faithful to Him on a daily basis. I need Him more than I need any job or friendship or just anything.
I may not understand why all of this had to happen, but in the end, I will be refined clay. I just know it.
Monday, April 20, 2009
It's Not About Me
My time spent in China was not at all what I had expected. I walked on the plane with stars in my eyes - and glided through the school building with a glossy dreamy look pasted on my face. I was in China -- how wonderful!, I thought.
HOWEVER, during the course of my time there, logistical details were likened to that of a box full of unruly electrical wires...And, I got shocked. My placement was switched due to professional issues...and upon my return to the States...the placement was not accepted as an authentic ESL classroom.
Devastation surfaced like hot lava. I had never been more disappointed or hurt than I was. The fabric of who I was seemed to split down the seams -- threads snapping and fish-tailing away. What was I to do? I was given two options: graduate and be blacklisted or repeat student teaching in the fall. YIKES. Ouch. Ahhhh, man. Really? Are you serious? ARG. You have got to be kidding. Are you serious? What?! Yes, the variety of emotions and exclamatory phrases raced through my mind like an unhinged vehicle whose wheels were about to roll off sending it fire-balling off a cliff.
I don't know how I made the decision. Well, yes I do. God had to have been speaking through me. I don't know how - but I finally made a decision and made the trek to my professor's office. Sitting down, I shared my decision with her.
I will be repeating student teaching.
AHHHH.
Frustration to the MAX. How can this happen?, I thought to myself.
But then peace. I am so proud of you. My professor said to me. Was she speaking for Someone Greater than the both of us? As I write now...I realize that...maybe?
HOWEVER, during the course of my time there, logistical details were likened to that of a box full of unruly electrical wires...And, I got shocked. My placement was switched due to professional issues...and upon my return to the States...the placement was not accepted as an authentic ESL classroom.
Devastation surfaced like hot lava. I had never been more disappointed or hurt than I was. The fabric of who I was seemed to split down the seams -- threads snapping and fish-tailing away. What was I to do? I was given two options: graduate and be blacklisted or repeat student teaching in the fall. YIKES. Ouch. Ahhhh, man. Really? Are you serious? ARG. You have got to be kidding. Are you serious? What?! Yes, the variety of emotions and exclamatory phrases raced through my mind like an unhinged vehicle whose wheels were about to roll off sending it fire-balling off a cliff.
I don't know how I made the decision. Well, yes I do. God had to have been speaking through me. I don't know how - but I finally made a decision and made the trek to my professor's office. Sitting down, I shared my decision with her.
I will be repeating student teaching.
AHHHH.
Frustration to the MAX. How can this happen?, I thought to myself.
But then peace. I am so proud of you. My professor said to me. Was she speaking for Someone Greater than the both of us? As I write now...I realize that...maybe?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tough
Life has been really tough lately, but someone told me today that the situations I am going through are evidence of God's love. I know that she was right, but why does God's love hurt so much right now? I know that those words are said from my eyes being found on the problem, not on the big picture of what God can do.
You see, I can be very insecure. I don't know where all of these insecurities began to root, but they have taken an interesting growth channel - and woven themselves into my life in various areas. I have been left humbled now, and so unable to do anything about what happened. I hate learning these lessons when I am in the midst of them. Yesterday, I was actually praising God for the situation, today -- that was definitely a test. I don't even know how to pray -- nothing seems to touch His Spirit or get above my ceiling.
My insecurities have spread and influenced other areas of my life other than my personal life. When it was just my personal life, I could handle it. It only affected me. Now, I had to learn things the hard way and things could be worse than I am thinking, or better than what I am thinking -- I just hate being in limbo. Again, I don't even know how to pray.
To those of you who browse my blog once in a while, I know this all must sound so vague. Please, just pray for me. God has the answers, I need to wait on Him, trust Him. Tonight as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I just pleaded with God - "God, I've never been through anything like this before -- You've gotta help me trust in you. God, please"
God - You are so much bigger than all of this -- all of my concerns and the issues that I think are so huge. You see way beyond my situations and each day until I graduate. Please, help me to desire you and your will above myself and my will. Help me to surrender this to you. Your Word promises me that you daily bear my burdens. God -- help me to choose to give them to you.
Help me to see your face in this situation. Please, I just need to see your face, God.
You see, I can be very insecure. I don't know where all of these insecurities began to root, but they have taken an interesting growth channel - and woven themselves into my life in various areas. I have been left humbled now, and so unable to do anything about what happened. I hate learning these lessons when I am in the midst of them. Yesterday, I was actually praising God for the situation, today -- that was definitely a test. I don't even know how to pray -- nothing seems to touch His Spirit or get above my ceiling.
My insecurities have spread and influenced other areas of my life other than my personal life. When it was just my personal life, I could handle it. It only affected me. Now, I had to learn things the hard way and things could be worse than I am thinking, or better than what I am thinking -- I just hate being in limbo. Again, I don't even know how to pray.
To those of you who browse my blog once in a while, I know this all must sound so vague. Please, just pray for me. God has the answers, I need to wait on Him, trust Him. Tonight as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I just pleaded with God - "God, I've never been through anything like this before -- You've gotta help me trust in you. God, please"
God - You are so much bigger than all of this -- all of my concerns and the issues that I think are so huge. You see way beyond my situations and each day until I graduate. Please, help me to desire you and your will above myself and my will. Help me to surrender this to you. Your Word promises me that you daily bear my burdens. God -- help me to choose to give them to you.
Help me to see your face in this situation. Please, I just need to see your face, God.
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