Loneliness in the Crowd

I have entered a new season in life - one that requires more trust, more reliance, and more faith in His truth to carry me. I remember his words to me during practicum last year after one of my lessons flopped: "I will carry you." Jesus, I need to hear that again.

While living on a beautiful campus, in the midst of a thriving metropolis of young people - searching and seeking that which satisfies - God or the World - I feel lonely in the midst of the crowds. No one understands the deepths of what I say or feel. No one understands why my heart is ensconced with trouble at different things I sense in the Spirit. I am reminded that the Father was Jesus' only source. From him and the Holy Spirit, he had to teach what God taught him - not what he thought up and then had a friend confirm his faith on -- and the wellspring of life flowed freely through him -- where as I must do the same and cannot rely on those around me to help cover the questions and wounds I bear with their full, but shallow laughter. I can't rely on anyone just now because no one is that close anymore. They are gone. I must rely on the Lord for my confidence and faith in the convictions he has placed before my heart.

There is an unsettling thought that this hunger for community that I am without now - might be turned to thoughts of marriage or dating - when they really should be for the Lord. "I pray that they would be one, as we are one, Father."

That, in a nutshell is my heart tonight. I hunger and thirst for more, but it is hard when no one around you is spuring you on and encouraging you to go deeper. I cry as I think about and write these words. God, I desire more. What if the community around me doesn't? What if this happens when I go to China, as I suspect it will? What if my dad isn't just a phone call away? What if I continue to find myself sitting in empty apartments without fellowship with others who deeply desire God?

I need to take a deep breath and search for the vision God would give me. I need to step back and refocus. I need to seek the Lord on this very thing.