I have entered a new season in life - one that requires more trust, more reliance, and more faith in His truth to carry me. I remember his words to me during practicum last year after one of my lessons flopped: "I will carry you." Jesus, I need to hear that again.
While living on a beautiful campus, in the midst of a thriving metropolis of young people - searching and seeking that which satisfies - God or the World - I feel lonely in the midst of the crowds. No one understands the deepths of what I say or feel. No one understands why my heart is ensconced with trouble at different things I sense in the Spirit. I am reminded that the Father was Jesus' only source. From him and the Holy Spirit, he had to teach what God taught him - not what he thought up and then had a friend confirm his faith on -- and the wellspring of life flowed freely through him -- where as I must do the same and cannot rely on those around me to help cover the questions and wounds I bear with their full, but shallow laughter. I can't rely on anyone just now because no one is that close anymore. They are gone. I must rely on the Lord for my confidence and faith in the convictions he has placed before my heart.
There is an unsettling thought that this hunger for community that I am without now - might be turned to thoughts of marriage or dating - when they really should be for the Lord. "I pray that they would be one, as we are one, Father."
That, in a nutshell is my heart tonight. I hunger and thirst for more, but it is hard when no one around you is spuring you on and encouraging you to go deeper. I cry as I think about and write these words. God, I desire more. What if the community around me doesn't? What if this happens when I go to China, as I suspect it will? What if my dad isn't just a phone call away? What if I continue to find myself sitting in empty apartments without fellowship with others who deeply desire God?
I need to take a deep breath and search for the vision God would give me. I need to step back and refocus. I need to seek the Lord on this very thing.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Playing teacher...
Today was my very first day of student-teaching. I will do a week now at the beginning of the year (as required by IWU) and then do my official placements in January 2009.
The opening conference for all of the schools in the district was very inspiring - in fact, I was so proud to be counted among them. I was reminded of why passion floods my heart when I think of having students, teaching lessons, and mentoring.
There will be lots to do this week. We are hoping that all of the ELP (English Language Proficiency) tests come in so that we can begin to put lessons and activities together. Again, there is the temptation to get annoyed with all of the standardized testing. These kids are not treated justly. Think about this: how easily would you survive if you had to move to another country with your parents when you were younger and they enrolled you into public schools. The school officials expect you to then take a standardized test and achieve the average scores of a native speaker. Stressful? And that isn't even the half of it. What about your parents trying to find work with their limited skills in that country's primary language? Body language can go far, but so can confusion!
So, I am trying to keep a positive chin up.
There were other interesting points today, too. We had a meeting for our building where I met a lot of the teachers. The principle lead a discussion about the new school year, which was really great, too. Lots of food for thought.
In the midst of all these teachers - those who had gone before me and completed the intense requirements of student-teaching - I felt comfortable for a little while. We were at a meeting and someone asked me a question. I answered it plainly, from the perspective of a student-teacher. Afterwords, I felt like such a little girl trying to play teacher. It was like that shyness I had in grade school woke up from a long slumber, stretched its arms, and laid them over my shoulders. I felt it's arms cling to me as I walked past the teachers, my eyes meeting theirs with a smile. I wasn't ashamed, and the teachers knew that I was a novice to all of this. I just felt plain silly though. I thought, 'is this really me?'
The teachers were encouraging - as much as they could be in our limited interaction - and my co-op teacher was wonderful. She was so encouraging. She reminded me to stop looking at the big picture for now - just worry about one thing at a time, one day at a time. She said that there was no mistake big enough that I could make that would mess everything up and that would cause me to fail. That was encouraging.
Still, I find myself wondering if I can really do it. I wonder, seriously - if this is where God wants me. I see my weaknesses and know that I will not be everything to everyone (which I couldn't be anyway, that is God). God reminded me as we were driving today that He works in my weaknesses. There -in the middle of my weaknesses - He shows His strength. I am trusting in this. I just felt like God was asking me all day if I trusted Him. I have been worrying about gas money this week because of driving about an hour to 75 minutes a day. Everytime I looked to the gas gage, He said - "Do you trust me?" - As the tick kept going down slowly, I have had to look away, concentrate on driving (hehe, thats a good idea, right?) and choose to trust in His provision. God IS my provider, He IS my sustainer.
I am also in the midst of trying to finish my sponsor letters for you all! I hope that I will be able to get them out soon. Please be in prayer for China and for my trip. Pray that God would burden people's hearts for the trip and that would drive them to an altar of prayer. Please pray that He would provide the finances through His people.
I think that is all the reflections I have for now...gee, its nice to be back at IWU (even if it is for a week) and have the internet!
Ciao.
The opening conference for all of the schools in the district was very inspiring - in fact, I was so proud to be counted among them. I was reminded of why passion floods my heart when I think of having students, teaching lessons, and mentoring.
There will be lots to do this week. We are hoping that all of the ELP (English Language Proficiency) tests come in so that we can begin to put lessons and activities together. Again, there is the temptation to get annoyed with all of the standardized testing. These kids are not treated justly. Think about this: how easily would you survive if you had to move to another country with your parents when you were younger and they enrolled you into public schools. The school officials expect you to then take a standardized test and achieve the average scores of a native speaker. Stressful? And that isn't even the half of it. What about your parents trying to find work with their limited skills in that country's primary language? Body language can go far, but so can confusion!
So, I am trying to keep a positive chin up.
There were other interesting points today, too. We had a meeting for our building where I met a lot of the teachers. The principle lead a discussion about the new school year, which was really great, too. Lots of food for thought.
In the midst of all these teachers - those who had gone before me and completed the intense requirements of student-teaching - I felt comfortable for a little while. We were at a meeting and someone asked me a question. I answered it plainly, from the perspective of a student-teacher. Afterwords, I felt like such a little girl trying to play teacher. It was like that shyness I had in grade school woke up from a long slumber, stretched its arms, and laid them over my shoulders. I felt it's arms cling to me as I walked past the teachers, my eyes meeting theirs with a smile. I wasn't ashamed, and the teachers knew that I was a novice to all of this. I just felt plain silly though. I thought, 'is this really me?'
The teachers were encouraging - as much as they could be in our limited interaction - and my co-op teacher was wonderful. She was so encouraging. She reminded me to stop looking at the big picture for now - just worry about one thing at a time, one day at a time. She said that there was no mistake big enough that I could make that would mess everything up and that would cause me to fail. That was encouraging.
Still, I find myself wondering if I can really do it. I wonder, seriously - if this is where God wants me. I see my weaknesses and know that I will not be everything to everyone (which I couldn't be anyway, that is God). God reminded me as we were driving today that He works in my weaknesses. There -in the middle of my weaknesses - He shows His strength. I am trusting in this. I just felt like God was asking me all day if I trusted Him. I have been worrying about gas money this week because of driving about an hour to 75 minutes a day. Everytime I looked to the gas gage, He said - "Do you trust me?" - As the tick kept going down slowly, I have had to look away, concentrate on driving (hehe, thats a good idea, right?) and choose to trust in His provision. God IS my provider, He IS my sustainer.
I am also in the midst of trying to finish my sponsor letters for you all! I hope that I will be able to get them out soon. Please be in prayer for China and for my trip. Pray that God would burden people's hearts for the trip and that would drive them to an altar of prayer. Please pray that He would provide the finances through His people.
I think that is all the reflections I have for now...gee, its nice to be back at IWU (even if it is for a week) and have the internet!
Ciao.
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