It's Not About Me

My time spent in China was not at all what I had expected. I walked on the plane with stars in my eyes - and glided through the school building with a glossy dreamy look pasted on my face. I was in China -- how wonderful!, I thought.

HOWEVER, during the course of my time there, logistical details were likened to that of a box full of unruly electrical wires...And, I got shocked. My placement was switched due to professional issues...and upon my return to the States...the placement was not accepted as an authentic ESL classroom.

Devastation surfaced like hot lava. I had never been more disappointed or hurt than I was. The fabric of who I was seemed to split down the seams -- threads snapping and fish-tailing away. What was I to do? I was given two options: graduate and be blacklisted or repeat student teaching in the fall. YIKES. Ouch. Ahhhh, man. Really? Are you serious? ARG. You have got to be kidding. Are you serious? What?! Yes, the variety of emotions and exclamatory phrases raced through my mind like an unhinged vehicle whose wheels were about to roll off sending it fire-balling off a cliff.

I don't know how I made the decision. Well, yes I do. God had to have been speaking through me. I don't know how - but I finally made a decision and made the trek to my professor's office. Sitting down, I shared my decision with her.

I will be repeating student teaching.

AHHHH.

Frustration to the MAX. How can this happen?, I thought to myself.

But then peace. I am so proud of you. My professor said to me. Was she speaking for Someone Greater than the both of us? As I write now...I realize that...maybe?

Tough

Life has been really tough lately, but someone told me today that the situations I am going through are evidence of God's love. I know that she was right, but why does God's love hurt so much right now? I know that those words are said from my eyes being found on the problem, not on the big picture of what God can do.

You see, I can be very insecure. I don't know where all of these insecurities began to root, but they have taken an interesting growth channel - and woven themselves into my life in various areas. I have been left humbled now, and so unable to do anything about what happened. I hate learning these lessons when I am in the midst of them. Yesterday, I was actually praising God for the situation, today -- that was definitely a test. I don't even know how to pray -- nothing seems to touch His Spirit or get above my ceiling.

My insecurities have spread and influenced other areas of my life other than my personal life. When it was just my personal life, I could handle it. It only affected me. Now, I had to learn things the hard way and things could be worse than I am thinking, or better than what I am thinking -- I just hate being in limbo. Again, I don't even know how to pray.

To those of you who browse my blog once in a while, I know this all must sound so vague. Please, just pray for me. God has the answers, I need to wait on Him, trust Him. Tonight as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I just pleaded with God - "God, I've never been through anything like this before -- You've gotta help me trust in you. God, please"

God - You are so much bigger than all of this -- all of my concerns and the issues that I think are so huge. You see way beyond my situations and each day until I graduate. Please, help me to desire you and your will above myself and my will. Help me to surrender this to you. Your Word promises me that you daily bear my burdens. God -- help me to choose to give them to you.

Help me to see your face in this situation. Please, I just need to see your face, God.