New Beginnings

Just a quick thought and prayer...

2011-04-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

PHEW! Gotta share this with you! I just reread Proverbs 4:23, a verse that I have had memorized for a long time, but it has struck me differently this time -- "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." FOR IT DETERMINES THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE! WOW! I'm really interested in doing an inductive Bible study on this verse and revisiting this area. What DOES it mean to really GUARD your heart? Is it just all of the DON'T DOS? Or is there more...?

I don't know why God has allowed me to revisit areas that I thought weren't a problem but I feel like I understand the verse better now that I'm in a situation where I really have to guard my heart. Its funny the different seasons that we go through -- things we have to remember, things we haven't had to do in a while -- that are suddenly awakened by a situation we weren't expecting.

God, help me to guard my heart. I never realized how hard it would be to be a 20-something and still single.

Done.

2011-04-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

I'm done.

Done looking.
Done caring.
Done wishing.

If its God's will, He will do it.

The aggravation, I feel deep within.
I've tried, all efforts.
Nothing.

If HE wants it, HE will do it.
The One who calls you is Faithful and HE will do it.
I believe He has promised it.
Its just NOT now.

I'm Done.

Peter, the Rock

2011-03-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever considered the meaning of your name? I know I have, and I wasn't too happy about it. Thankfully, when you add "sue" onto my first name things get better. Mary is Hebrew for bitter. Yeah. Not exactly the mantra I want to live under. But when you add sue, its like my entire meaning changed. I get names like, 'wished for child' and 'star of the sea'. Sweet, huh?

I've always loved learning the meaning of names. I think its neat that you could name someone Wisdom (Sophia), Beloved (David) or 'God Rescues' (Joshua), as in a real-live allegory. However, most people never really live up to their name. Think about it. Peter in the Bible, whose name means "the Rock", steady, sure --- was everything BUT what his name meant. One moment, he tells Jesus that he would never deny him and then the next ---- those very words he lived to regret came out three times! Peter, the one who stepped out of the boat -- confidently keeping his eyes on Jesus -- walked on water! However, the moment he looked down and drew his gaze from Jesus -- that's when he began to sink. Peter was up and down, up and down -- and yet Jesus still saw something in him.

Jesus doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. Jesus didn't just toss Peter to the side. He even met with him on the beach after his death -- "Peter, do you love me?" --"Do you love me?" -- "Do you love me?" ~ "Then feed my lambs"

It was exactly what Peter needed though - to be forgiven, to see that Jesus still saw potential in him, purpose in him, despite his fearful heart and actions. Peter deserved to be left! He deserved to be abandoned and just left alone. But Jesus didn't do that. Its amazing what we will do and how we really step up when people believe that we still have good in us or potential. Its like when that bar is raised, we rise to the occasion. Peter eventually did.

If you know anything about my personal testimony, you'll know that there came a point where going solo wasn't possible anymore, hiding under my parents Christian mantra was too difficult, and that fake Christian mask I wore in high school was melting away because my sin was taking more and more ground. There was deep sin in my life and it was rotting out the core of my being. It was like the more I lived in that sin, it continued to consume more and more of me - and the me that God intended for me to be couldn't ever grow and take shape.

I remember having some of those really deep conversations with my dad. After confessing some sins that I had been committing, I waited to see the anger dispatch across his face like a tactical war order. However, as I stood before him, quite shorter at the time than I am now, I watched as his face distorted into this soft, wrinkled mirror of pain, reflecting my own. Truly, I waited for him to scold me and go over all the "You know's", but he didn't. He just held me as I cried.

Why do I get so far from where God first saved me? Why do I, like the Israelites, forget the stones? The stones they set up ON PURPOSE to remember what God had done for them. Those stones were meant for the Israelites to help keep them steady and sure. To keep them focused and driven, to meet the bar, to remember WHO they WERE.

The NAME of Christian that we were given isn't possible to live up to on our own. If I'm trying to do it in my strength, I will fail. And I have. Recently. We can never truly live up to our names or the name of Christian without His grace, without His power and without our surrendered will. Am I a "little Christ" ? Am I living out my name, Papa?

* * * * * * * *

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land..." ~2 Chrn. 7:14

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--" ~Ephesians 2:8

Wedding Pics!

2011-03-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here are just a few of the pics I was able to take. I missed a lot because I was IN the wedding, but professional ones should be coming soon!

Us three gals before walking down the aisle. Kristen looked so beautiful!

A Fresh Start

2011-03-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends!

I am back in the blog-writing mode and ready for something new. Looking back over the past few entries -- gosh! Isn't it crazy how we go through tough seasons? Its evident what we're acting out in -- faith or fear. I think I spent too much time giving way for anxiety to rule instead of trying to look for the things God was doing in the midst.

So here's my new beginning (via cyberspace).

Updates on life:
~Kristen got married on Sunday. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be, and I enjoyed the time home immensely. We had a FANTASTIC bachelorette party and such a fun time despite the crazy mess-ups at the ceremony and reception (and there were quite a few!) Although things aren't going to be easy for them, I see God's hand in the midst. I continue to pray and wait to hear/see how God provides. Kristen texted me yesterday....lonely already... (Justin was at work). I know she is going to need me a lot now. God, please help me to be a faithful friend to Kristen and source of comfort.

~God provided a car! As many of you might know, I was struck by the "bad things happen in three" theory a few weeks ago. First, my computer crashed (which, amazingly, I am now using again somehow!), then my old buick was swallowed by a pothole that broke the frame (which was unrepairable), and now I am facing decisions that will affect my living situation. AHH! So, to say the least, there were a few weeks that were really rough because I didn't have any answers and wasn't sure where things were going -- aka -- I was trying to figure it all out in my own strength. I took about three weeks to look for a car and finally found a GREAT deal. Granted, my car is kinda like a fancy nursing home on wheels (07 Grand Marquis) or a tank for the elderly (because its HUGE), but it is SUPER nice and I got it for a good price. Thanks, Lord! Help me to take such good care of it!

~Last week, I attended a two-day conference called, Beyond Diversity. It was excellent. The idea was to speak up about race instead of letting it be this taboo topic. I really enjoyed the perspectives. It also reminded me of how much social injustice makes me upset. We discussed the idea of "examining the presence and role of whiteness" --- or the idea that we have what's called "white privilege" and we don't even realize it. Sure, black people have the same rights and freedoms that everyone else does now, but they are still treated differently. It was very interesting. I felt like my heart reached on every emotion -- sadness for how people are treated -- these people, my brothers and sisters; annoyance for the opposite side of the spectrum -- that there is reverse racism on white people (that WASN'T really talked about). Overall, it was really good though. I thought a lot about my ESL students - mostly Hispanic. They encounter the same issues and battles. Even today in class, I walked around and talked with different students about a writing assignment they had about Spring Break. One of my students was talking about how she was going to Mexico for the first time and how she was so excited. To have EVERYTHING in SPANISH! WOW! Then, she said that her mom had told her that, "You won't have to worry! [In Mexico,] You can walk anywhere and not worry about the cops stopping you or taking you away" --- and there, I saw it again. Phew. To live with that fear gnawing at your strength in the back of your mind...especially as a 12 year old.

Social Injustice makes me sick.

~Over the last week, I met two different guys who asked for my number (at separate times :P). Don't get too excited. I didn't exactly meet them in places where I want to meet Mr. Right. Can I just ask this simple question? Why is it that when I'm at a place where there aren't any Christians that guys come up and ask me out, but then in Christian circles, I feel like it takes FOREVER for ANYONE to make a move??? I mean, its not like I dress immodestly to attract the wrong type of attention or anything, nor do I change who I am to impress them. ARG.

I read a devotional by Oswald Chambers yesterday that helped bring me back to reality. Obviously, its not going to work with someone who doesnt love God. Its like trying to mix oil and water. Oswald talked about thinking ahead to the end result of whatever emotion you are experiencing -- if the end result doesn't please God, then you're done. You know that its not worth it.

"Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, March 22)

I went on a separate date with one of them, and the whole time it was so obvious that the only pieces of me that could relate to him were part of my carnal nature. It stinks. He was so attractive and the whole time I sat there, I really wanted to relate with him. ARG. Why do I keep meeting attractive guys who don't care about God?! He texted me throughout the weekend and then we chatted on facebook --- if the ending won't please God, I just want it to end. Any thoughts or perspectives on this??

Oh and P.S. >> You may get a kick out of this -- the first guy who asked for my number contacted me and upon greeting me, said "Hey Sweetie Pie" -- I was turned off immediately and didn't return his call. HAHAHA. You don't know me. You have no right to call me that. BLECH.

So, that area of my life has been really interesting. God knows all about this. I just need to focus on being myself and trusting him.

Well, thank goodness, I finally have some GOOD things to report on! Lord, I need a fresh mindset. Create in me a clean and undivided heart, and renew a loyal and steadfast spirit within me.

...Wanderlust...

2011-02-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

By definition, a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about is what some whimsically note as "wanderlust" ~ that dreamy, yet deep desire to go, see, experience something bigger than ourselves. I have experienced this SO many times. Whether it be to travel outside of the country to uncharted territories (for myself, at least) or to do or experience things here that I've never experienced, I have definitely had a mouth full of wanderlust. I've always been the "big dreamer", the visionary, the one to be captivated by the forest rather than the trees.

WANDER.
So many people wander through this life. So many people who do a lot of good things and bad things. Living out their lives, making decisions, either drawing closer or further to God all the time. Its like we wander from thing to thing, seeking out whatever will satisfy us. You've heard it before, if you've been in church long enough. The lust of the eyes, the pride of life, the lust of the flesh ~ things to be avoided, for sure (and a way of life to be avoided). For a while, I've felt like I've wandered away from the Shepherd's side. Its like everyone is sitting at His table, as their imperfect human-selves, soaking up God's mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, strength, and all the while, I've been sitting in the corner watching, not experiencing. Of course, there have been great times where I've been front and center, helping pass the food and soaking up the Son for myself. But there are seasons where I've also drawn back from the table, unable to approach. There have been times when my mind has wandered away from His truth.

LUST.
Crave. Hunger. Covet. Yearn.
We want it and we want it now.
I want it and I want it now.

What keeps turning our heads, causing us to wonder if something away from His peaceful side and life-giving water would be more satisfying?

What keeps us from wandering away from the Lord? I really want to think about this and not just let myself off the hook with a churchy answer. Father, help me to really think about this. I know the deep and authentic answer is practicing your presence. Not just reading the Bible. Or being obedient (although very important). Or going to church (also important). But its you. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship" resonates with me as I think about this. So God, how do I practice your presence? I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise - I will say THIS is the DAY that the LORD has MADE, I will rejoice (in all things, at all times) because HE has MADE me GLAD. (He does this! He brings the gladness! YES!) He has made me glad, He has made me glad; I will rejoice for He has made me glad.

I recently wrote in my journal that I just want to change. I keep seeing all this junk in my heart and with all the stressful things that have happened -- I just need freedom. "I'm sick of this old skin I'm in. Like a snake, my skin is old, itchy, decomposing -- I need to shed it -- I want to live in new, fresh skin. Like Eustace, in the Chronicles of Narnia, I've tried in my own strength to shred, shed, and scrape off all the dead stuff -- but Papa, my heart is stirred -- I need you, I really need you. I know you've never left me, but oh Lord, how I've left you. I confess it. I'm sorry, Papa. I need you to do what I cannot do for myself. Please, give me a new beginning."

A new beginning. That's what I need. A new mindset.

Your strength brings a freshness that I can't muster up for myself. Please cloak me with your strength, Father, so that I may glorify you, not myself. I confess that when I have your strength, God, sometimes its so easy to credit it to myself and believe that it came from somewhere within my human being. No way. Its ALL from you, Papa. I give you all the praise, glory, honor, and credit for anything and everything I can do. YOU enable me to do what I cannot. YOU are my strength.This is a picture from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, featuring Eustace (after he was turned into a dragon) and the noble mouse, Reepicheep. You see, Eustace was really a human boy. However, his greed and lust for treasure caused him to transform into a dragon. Miserable and frightened, Eustace begins to reflect on his life up until this point, realizing how awful he has been. Its almost like his new physical appearance as a nasty dragon was a picture of the real Eustace on the inside. Only after Eustace encounters Aslan is he able to experience the freedom from his dragon body (that's not really him). Aslan has to shred and shed the skin with his sharp claws because Eustace is only able to take off a few layers by himself. The first cut is the deepest and most painful, but Eustace says in the book that it is a good kind of pain. He experiences freedom from his old self. The old man.

Shed the uttermost
Shed this common ghost
that walks around half awake, half alive
Shed this old man
Cloak me in your light
the dead skin, a shroud of death
sin eats away until there's nothing left

Spirit -- Breath new life
BREATH it in the depths of this carnal soul
Spirit -- BREATH new life
BREATH it in the depths of my pain and my strife
Spirit -- BREATH new life -- RESURRECT me ONCE AGAIN
the power of your presence is LIFE

Shine your Spirit straight through me
Until my heart knows your reality
Scrape and take it all away.
I say...make me new, your way

LIFE

2011-02-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

Before the last two months of events happened, I didn't walk around with the acknowledged idea that life was tough. I mean, I knew it was, but it seemed like there were enough good things to refocus my mind on that I didn't feel like I needed a general statement of "Life is TOUGH" or "Life is HARD" to label my life with -- until now. I feel like I've lived a lifetime with everything that has happened in the last two months. So many questions. So many things that are hard to process, let alone altogether. NOW, I think its time to say - Life is tough - which would be an adequate stamp on my journals these past few months.

DEATH.
My beloved dog, Daisy, died a week ago. I NEVER thought I would be a person to care that much for a dog -- but I do. I've cried like a member in our family has died. Daisy was the sweetest little dog we EVER had. She was such a good-natured dog; never went to the bathroom inside or barked too much, never gnawed on our socks or furniture, never sat begging for food or whined in the middle of the night. She was a great dog. And I feel like such a baby for crying about it -- I guess I've just never had a dog that was THAT great. Dad says that the house feels to empty without her.

In the last two weeks, 4 different friends/family members have suffered the loss of someone special in their lives. Man, I gotta say, I've felt the pain (which has added to the stress of everything in my personal life right now). Two of my friends have lost little girls who were on ventilators. A dear cousin lost a baby, delivered stillborn. My best friend from high school had a miscarriage.

BIG QUESTIONS.
You wouldn't think that the instance of losing a dog would cause anyone to raise BIG life questions, but I have been. Its like Daisy's death kinda sent me over the edge after all the death that's been happening. My thoughts towards God with all of this have been like, "Really, Lord? Why at this time? Why did she have to go? She brought us so much joy - we all loved her so much - and with all the CRAP that we've gone through in the past two months -- why did she have to go NOW? Of ALL the times? I mean, really -- Kristen just told us that she was pregnant two days after Christmas, my parents were devastated and it seems like every time I talk to them they are stressed or too tired, Kayla hasn't even applied to colleges because she is afraid that Mom and Dad will just give her excuses about how it isn't possible (even though they KNOW that GOD provided EVERYTHING for me) -- and Kayla so desperately wants to go to college and become a veterinarian -- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Its like EVERYTHING has reached the peak of TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!

I want to control everything. I want everything to be okay. Even now as I read this, I can feel my blood pressure rise and hot tears come to my eyes. I'm sick of things being stressful at home and not whole. My heart is NOT in the whole wedding thing anymore. I love Kristen and I will be there for her no matter what, but my heart isn't in it, everything is being rushed, and I want to call home to catch up, but I feel like I'm opening the same painful can of worms every time I do. I ache for something satisfying - and I know its my need for the Lord - but it just seems like there's too much junk to weed through. Too much yuck to deal with or talk about. I feel like I've been this constant walking problem for the last whenever.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS.
My roommate and I've been learning how to communicate, but overall, its been pretty tough. We are both in SUCH different places in life right now. I came into this rooming situation with expectations that didn't pan out the way I thought they would and my roommate has been through some tough places this last year where she doesn't feel like she has anything to give to anyone else. ARG. Its just frustrating. God is using it to change us and make us better, but its been hard living what I consider to be alone -- and that's what its felt like. Its hard to go from family or roommates (who you get along with really well and who want to 'do life' with you) to cold turkey nothing - where your roommate says maybe 8 words to you when they get home - and that's it. I can't say that I blame her --- I know she needs retreat and healing from everything that's happened in her life, and again - she is just at a very different place in life than I am right now -- but I really need community. I'm not asking for a new best friend. Gosh.

Geesh, maybe I'll think twice before naming my blog -- "Refined Clay"

I'll never be wealthy.

2010-11-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

I've come to a rather serious realization. Unless the Lord brings a magical cloud over my house that rains 50 lb solid-gold eggs.......I am not going to be very wealthy by American standards. I just finished figuring out the last student loan due dates, totals, and monthly payments -- and total -- it adds up to be more than my rent and utilities combined. Seriously, I don't know how I am going to do it. I know that the whole 50 lb solid-gold egg idea was written as a joke, but I really and truly and honestly do not know how it is going to work. I am living fairly cheaply as it is. I'm not sure what else I can do.

There is a special woman, mentor in my life. She is someone I talk to frequently by phone, and doesn't have a lot in terms of worldly possessions. Her apartment is tiny, she lives simply and wisely, and money never seems to worry her. The only times I've heard her discuss money were times when she was sharing with me ways to save money (and let me tell you, she had some great ideas!) or times when God has provided an exact amount for a bill she needed. To note, she ALWAYS has food or coffee to offer her guests as well. I've never left her home hungry and I've never been able to finish the food that she has offered.

God, am I missing something?

I can't imagine what life would be like at this moment if I had a child to support, too. Whoa.

The question that I've asked myself and my dad over the last few days was simply -- "Why is it that some people live in ginormous houses, are able to put their children through experience private schools, keep them in style, go on family vacation,...while others wonder how they are going to pay the bill that is due in the next few days."

I know its not because God loves one person or family less than the other. Is it because God thinks one family will be more responsible with more funds than the other? I don't know. And that really doesn't help me solve my dilemma, but the fact is this: I love both of my jobs. My heart really is at the high school I work at. I also love my other teaching job. On the other side of the spectrum, I work with adult students who need help in their businesses and careers here in America. Oh God, please -- you know my needs. I am worried. I know that you have opened the door for both of these jobs and you've blessed me tremendously. Thank you, Father. Please help me to work hard and diligently so they see it. Please grant me favor in their eyes (bosses and colleagues at both jobs). Both of the jobs are barely keeping my head above water. I don't know what to do.

If you happened to read this post today because you chose to or maybe because you were browsing and sort of stumbled onto it, please say a prayer for me. Pray that my faith would not fail during this time. Paying off student loans = big time of faith...Pray that God would help me to develop good habits that will keep me to be faithful in paying them and not avoid them (pretending they don't exist). Also, if you have a few extra minutes, I'd love to hear about how God has provided for you over the years. Please feel free to share lessons you had to learn and how God helped you to learn them.

We're in this together, right God?

Little Woman

2010-11-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

When you are growing up, people tell you one of three things: a) you will never be able to rewind the clock, so you better enjoy it while you can, b) you're skinny, you can handle another ice cream cone, c) when I was your age, we NEVER did...

Well, I've come to the point where I am no longer a child. I feel in some way as if I am facing an iced glass window, just waiting for the reflection of my younger self to suddenly appear and cackle in my face. I don't want to wish I was younger. I just want to relish in the now. God has redeemed my past, so there is no longer a reason to look back with sore eyes and a mournful heart. Yes, I sinned. Yes, I was far from God. But GOD. God came and opened my eyes -- He romanced me and showed me that He wasn't interested in me for the "righteous acts" that I could do to service His cause, but that He was interested in my heart, my hurt, and my healing. He wanted ME. And now, I serve Him because I love Him. I love Adoni. That's what I keep coming back to -- my altar of stones where God first met with me. Where He REALLY met with me and I REALLY saw Him.

Whenever I'm discouraged, I know its because I've taken my eyes off of Him and, of course, His love for me. When I walk on the path He has for me -- sometimes consisting of dark places and bushy areas, sometimes full of mossy carpets and foggy visages, sometimes quietly peaceful little walkways where His sunlight paints my walkway -- I see Him and I trust Him, regardless of what is going on.

I've struggled with pride this week. Pride because I want to do what I want to do. Pride because I think I know whats best. Pride because I want it the way I want it. Tonight, I realized in a conversation with my granny -- one of the most precious women of God that I know -- that the reason I was upset and have been stressed this week is because I have been struggling with God. Daily, I just came to reason -- and I don't know why I keep reverting back to this! -- that God just was showing me that teaching wasn't really what I was supposed to do or that He was letting me fail or fall on my face for no reason. No! He says in His word that we will have many troubles, but to take heart! Because He has overcome! THE WORLD! What?! Yep. My pain isn't His fault. He will not let anything come that I cannot handle with His help.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." ~ John 16:33

No one tells you that when you become an adult that you may deal with loneliness as you wait for God's blessings to unfold. You are never told that you won't be perfect at your first job and that your first year of teaching is sometimes the pits (well, okay, so they tell you that in college -- but does that really count?). No one tells you that although you can buy what you want as an adult, that you don't really need to.

There is so much to learn. God is shaping me and making me a diligent woman. I may not be as mature as I should be -- as a responsible, adult-like woman, but I know that His spirit in me is my aid and advocate.

God, may I be the little woman you want me to be -- a shadow of your son, Jesus, and one that brings you glory.

I heard this song on the way home - through tears and rain -- which is a bad combination... Thankfully, God was watching out for me. It's by MERCY ME, called Bring the Rain.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Why.

2010-10-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I always seem to come back around to this spot? Why is it that when I come back around to this spot, nothing has changed?

ARG.

Why is it that some people just seem to be totally blessed and perfect and have everything figured out? Are they the ones truly chosen by God to "make it" ?

ARG.

Why can't I change? Why can't I change. Seriously. I see all of this junk inside of me, and I want to change. But, its like someone has dumped ten heavy 50 gallon sandbags into the shell of my being and I can't, don't move.

ARG.

Will I always be like this? Or will I be the person I could be? I heard a Switchfoot lyric tonight -- "Between the person you are and the person you could be" --- so, which one am I, God? If I'm not changing, then whats the point?

ARG.

Frustrated.
Confused.
Wish I could make sense of everything.
WHY.

Undone

2010-10-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

Undone, FFH

My Name is Hope.

2010-10-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

“Waiting is refusing to take over while refusing to give up. Waiting refuses self-rescue.”

“Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now.”

“Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works. Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward.”

“In Christ, loss is never final. Christ’s resurrection is the first-fruit of every resurrection.”

“Faith understands that what can’t be cured, can be endured.”

“Crying out to God empties us so there is more room in us for God.”

“Faith does not demand the removal of suffering; faith desires endurance in suffering.”

“In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself.”

“Faith is entrusting myself to God’s larger purposes, good plans, and eternal perspective.”

“Worship is wanting God more than wanting relief.”

“Worship is finding God even when you don’t find answers.”

“Worship is walking with God in the dark and having Him as the light of your soul.”

“Every problem is an opportunity to know God better, and our primary battle is to know God well.”

Satisfied with a scrap.

2010-10-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's amazing that in our finite, human minds - in our limited imaginations - and in our wandering queries - that we could ever be satisfied with anything else than Jesus. It's amazing that we would be satisfied with table scraps as well. But many times, we strive and hunger and grasp with exasperation for that single table scrap. In reality, God is waiting for us to look to His face above the table so that He can give us a rich feast. This is what my artistic mind knows and my heart aches to understand.

My imaginations sometimes lead me to unlikely fabrications that my heart feeds off of -- often leading it like a sick puppy searching for something - even the tiniest drop of water - to dampen the driest tongue. Often times, I am guilty because it isn't His face at the table that I have sought-- it is the table scraps that others offer or a tiny nook under the table I can crawl into. Those are false places of fulfillment.

Earlier this summer, my roommate reminded me of an incredible scripture in Deuteronomy 28. I have so much potential in Jesus Christ and I often forget it - my heart falls back onto anxiety and hopelessness.

"¹If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

⁴ The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

⁵ Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

⁶ You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

⁷ The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

⁸ The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

⁹ The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. ¹⁰ Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. ¹¹ The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

¹² The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. ¹³ The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. ¹⁴ Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them."

I was reminded once again that I am not the tail, I am the head. Now, redeemed by His blood, there is a place at the table just for me. Why do I contend for a place at eye level with my brother's and sister's kneecaps? Why do I settle for a place below the blessings and rights I have as a daughter of the King of Kings?

This past week has been a battle - one that I have not been very victorious in. Possibilities sometimes distract me from what is ultimately fulfilling -- Him, His presence, His truth, His Hope. My new identity in Him is HOPE, but I have to choose to live it out in Him. My own strength cannot do it. Why - when that imagining seemed so real - did I allow myself to be satisfied with it? I was satisfied with the table scrap - that brief glimmer of a condition that didn't even happen -- and was left when circumstances didn't work out the way I thought they would -- hungry and wanting. GOD - you are my true satisfaction. Why do I always look towards other things for peace? for hope? Why is it that this particular desire seems to always be on default and ready when another similar possibility comes up? And why do I act out of that default function instead of trusting you?

I felt like I trusted you, but now I see the true condition of my heart. I was able to surrender when I thought I'd get my way in the end. How shallow I am. I plead your blood to cover me. I need to surrender regardless of what I think the end results will be.

Attitude is Altitude

2010-10-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

"Being patient is beautiful. I’ll tell you it’s the hardest thing. But I realized I may not have hands to hold my wife’s hand, but when the time comes, I’ll be able to hold her heart. I don't need hands to hold her heart."

http://www.multimedia-english.com/contenido/ficha/no-arms-no-legs-no-worries/2650

Your Mission, Should You Choose

2010-10-02T12:26:00.001-07:00

I have relished in my job this week. Absolutely. I just love it. Yes, there are tough points and I'm still learning how to teach various parts of our language and how to handle various management elements in the classroom, but the most fulfilling thing is to know that I have helped bring awareness -- and that they get it! AHH, such a delight. As I've been thinking about this, a particular experience came to mind and it was almost like an action movie began to play out in my mind. I was given an assignment, and if I chose to accept that mission, the possible outcomes could be incredible.

There is a common practice at the Language Training Center: briefing. It's great. When you get a new student, you go to what is called a "briefing" -- where one of the head teachers tells you about the new student you've been assigned to including cultural background, their level of language proficiency, their language goals and focus, texts you can use, etc. This has become a part of the job that I love because each student is absolutely different, with their own unique abilities and learning focuses. When I go in for a briefing, I feel like I am being handed a mission -- I am briefed with the object, the obstacles, and specific tactics or weapons that I am to use. The headteachers are like my tactical-instructors, my espionage gurus. It was so cool this week to go to another briefing simply because of what I learned. I have never had an Indian student before - which I have anticipated greatly! - and to be let in on all the details of this student's academic and business language journey was just awesome.

Recently, as I was brainstorming- I looked online (HAHA) for some secret agent lingo to use in the crafting of this entry. Instead, I found this really cute game-website called, "Who Wants To Be a Secret Agent?" Before entering the game, of course, they had to tell you what you were getting yourself into:

"For any nation or society with enemies there is no substitute for reliable intelligence and covert operations. Espionage is a dangerous business that cannot be conducted from afar. One must get those proverbial hands dirty. This is where the Secret Agent gets involved. When you enjoy a comfortable and predictable life, spies leave their friends, families and native cultures often for very long periods of time. They endure hardship and danger to adapt, observe, and conduct perilous missions. Secret Agents must have expert knowledge of their enemy."

As I read this kiddie-descriptor, I took a double-take of the last line. Secret Agents must have expert knowledge of their enemy. We have to know what we're looking for. We have to know who is looking for us. Our mission objectives, so to speak, as Christians, are simple: know the enemy, know the One you work for, and know YOUR objectives. What has God called us all to do? "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself"

Mission Control, this is Agent MS2010. I have landed in the designated region and I'm ready for assignment. I choose to accept the mission.

Restless Until I Rest In You...

2010-09-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You,
'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless '
Til I rest in You,
'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart,
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You,
'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You,
'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
(Repeat again)

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless '
Til I rest in You,
'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You

Please listen to the Audrey Assad version on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM&ob=av2e

A Season of Waiting

2010-09-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Recently, in a facebook message to a friend, I spouted off with exasperation the words I knew I needed to articulate -- that angst that we feel as women -- that inherent annoyance with the inevitable condition we live with and know as waiting. This is how I feel. It's like I let my heart in on all the fun and then I find out that sadly, it has to hang up the jump rope after a while...that that stupid lie - "Nothing Good Lasts Forever" is chasing my heart, trying to join in on a game of double dutch.

As I plucked each character out from my keyboard, I remembered what my Grandma had told me in a recent phone conversation. "It seems that a girl waits her whole life -- a little girl waits to go to school, waits to get braces off, waits for summer camp, waits for someone to like her, waits for the homecoming dance, waits to graduate, to get a job, to date, to fall in love, to be married, to have kids, to help them live their lives, to have grand kids..." -- And then, she said - "that's probably not helping..." - to which I replied...as she knowingly chuckled..."Not really, Grandma."

.....AHHHH, its EXHAUSTING if you think about it that way (no offense, Grandma!). I realized, in the furious speed that my fingers were exercising at that very moment, that I just. needed. perspective. I began to look for hopeful scriptures that spoke about waiting - so I could at least adopt one and join with the other saintly women who had waited their whole lives, too, looking upward. You know what I found out? You know what the secret to their waiting was? His Truth. His presence. Daily bread provided by HIM. Man, I let it become so complicated. God wants to give us what we desire - I truly believe that. And for the things that we want that aren't in His plans, He gives us peace for if we seek it. Ahh, I have found such peace in calling him Papa this year. He really is my Papa. Papa, do you see me? Do you hear me? I'm doing my best to please you. I work for you. I get up for you. Papa, please cloak me with your patience and a restful heart. God, I just want to be what you want me to be. You know my needs. I am fighting impatience. I am fighting those anxious feelings that say I must...Oh God, be the seal on my heart that holds me so tightly, so securely, so assuredly. I want to get lost in your presence.

Something To Chew On...

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." ~Romans 8:25
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~Psalm 27:14
"I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." ~Lamentations 3:24
"Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed." ~1 Cor. 1:7
"Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life." ~Jude 1:21
"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3

Psalm 106: 12-15

¹² "Then they believed his promises
and sang his praise.

¹³ But they soon forgot what he had done
and did not wait for his counsel.

¹⁴ In the desert they gave in to their craving;
in the wasteland they put God to the test.

¹⁵ So he gave them what they asked for,
but sent a wasting disease upon them."

101st Post

2010-06-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

Since I missed the big 1-0-0, I decided to celebrate my 101st Blog Post. Yay!! Haha, actually, I have kind of a serious post. Just some thoughts out of the plethora that swarm around my mind...

Here is a song called Run, by Addison Road. Its a song I just heard -- literally listening to it right now -- and the words are EXACTLY what I have needed to hear this week and especially the past few days. We are in a battle, I've been told. But so many times I find myself looking down at my weary, sweat-drenched body -- wounded, slashed by the enemy's fiery arrows -- wondering how I ever got to this point -- without armor. Sadly, I look down at myself and at first, I am like a deer blinded by headlights. What? You mean, that's why I'm depressed? That's why I can't seem to see the truth in this fog? That's why I have forgotten the "Ebenezer" landmarks that God has allowed, taught me through and chosen me for in the tracks behind me? Oh God, how I desperately need you. I need you, yet I'm having a hard time finding you.

Run

Stoplights, breakdown, we cry, last try
Worlds collide, time to decide
Where you want to go in this great big world
Where you want to go in this great big world

Stuck here too long in this sad song
Lost on a street, everyone has
Vanished and you're all alone
But you don't know where to go
Yeah you're all alone
And you want to go home

(CHORUS)
Run just as fast as you can
Run, 'til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again
Run

Next page, new day, finding my way
Stumble upon the strength to move on
I am not alone in this great big world
And you are not alone in this great big world

(CHORUS)
Run just as fast as you can
Run, 'til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again
Run

Run now don't you look back
Run towards the light straight ahead
Where the lost souls make a beautiful sound
And new life is finally found
Run

Your free, free falling
A new beginning
This is our time

(CHORUS)
Run just as fast as you can
Run, 'til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again

Run now don't you look back
Run towards the light straight ahead
Where the lost souls make a beautiful sound
And new life is finally found
Run

Ephesians 6:10-20 (New International Version)

The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

STRUGGLE to be Set Apart

2010-06-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have always struggled with my quiet time. Mostly because I haven't disciplined myself long enough to see it sustained. I will be going great for a little while and then one day I forget, or I try to read it and it doesn't make sense or seem to resonate, or I reach the stage of little compromises. "I'll do it before going to bed" -- and I know that I'm exhausted before I go to bed -- why would I try to work my brain that late?? Some people can do it - I can only do it and get something from it if I read something earlier and have chosen to walk in His Spirit that day. If not, it becomes so easy to not read it.

What do you do to coach yourself when you're realizing you're missing the mark? Specifically, with Bible Study and Prayer? What do you do to speak encouragement and motivation back into your mind and heart? What do you do? It's not about that invisible "check mark" you get when you're finished, its about spending time with God and connecting with Him. How do you prepare your mind and heart to spend time with him?

God's Sense of Humor In Me...

2010-05-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

There have been many adjustments since I graduated college in December. Some easier than others, some harder than expected. I'd like to share a funny illustration of God's grace in the midst of these life changes. Lately, the adjustments have been getting used to living alone and learning how to use my free time in constructive ways. Now, I know that there are some mothers out there that would sell both of their legs for the free time I have. So when I think about this, part of me senses a temptation to feel like this isn't important to God or that I'm just being a wimp. And granted, there are times that the little girl in me rises up and has SOMETHING to SAY. But, as I've been chatting with my dad and some close friends, I've realized that this is only temporary and that it is a legitimate struggle.

Yesterday, it was like one of my life gaskets blew. After work, I wearied myself to stop by a little shop that rests beside our office, a yarn shop. As I stepped inside, a cool breeze greeted me and I greeted the owner. Spinning wheels and looms were strategically placed in stations along the length of the building, while scanes, scanes, and more scanes hung from walls, spewed out of wicker baskets and spun upward onto backs of wooden work chairs. My fingers found cotton infancies stretched out by their spinning wheels in dozens of shades, ready to be made into something useful. I began to talk to the shop owner and pretty soon, she gave me a tour of her little fabric Eden. To me, it was a breath of fresh air amidst the stress I had just undergone at work. By the end of the tour, we began talking about things of life...life changes. I shared with her where I was at that very point and what I was learning, only to find that she, a Sister in Christ, shared the same mind and understood. By the end of our conversation, I was almost at the point of tears again, and quickly excused myself by telling her I would stop in more often. If I would have been blunt, the words "I am lonely" would have been blurted out, but thankfully, God helped me to pull my heart down out of my mouth and put it back in my chest.

Until...

the drive home.

I bawled.

The radio crooned songs that I needed to hear.

That was just like God to do.

To comfort His daughter.

That evening, I called my dad and between rain showers, stepped onto my back porch and sat in a dry spot. "Mary, this is only temporary. It won't last forever. Draw near to God. Read the psalms" -- and as he continued to coach, encourage and just love on me, my eyes were suddenly drawn to a mosquito that landed on my flip flop-- AN INSECT WHICH I COMPLETELY LOATH. Drawing my foot out slightly, I took my other flip flop and right before it's death sentence was to be carried out, I had the FUNNIEST thought. "Now you're not alone! See, I know your needs" -- which must have been God's Humor coming out in me. I almost burst out laughing while my dad was leading our serious discussion.

It died anyway.

Hehe.

Just as God used Isaiah 61 to restore and call me to His great things, I've realized again this morning that these verses were what Jesus was to do. He is clothing me with a garment of praise, just as He said He would. Praise God for His Humor! No more heaviness! Shake it off! Praise Him and Be glad! I share this same calling with My God.

“ To console those who mourn in Zion, to give

them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise

for [instead of a] the spirit of heaviness;

that they may be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD , that He may be glorified.”

Isaiah 61:3

I am the planting of the Lord. May He produce His Praise within me and the fruits of His Spirit!

Things pondered...

2010-05-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

1. Favorite Instruments -- Violin (love the violin!), Mandolin, Irish Pan Flute, Harp

2. Lovely Music to relax to -- Celtic, Christian worship/hymns, Movie Scores

3. YUMMY Foreign food(s) -- at the moment...Indiana Rice Pudding, Chicken curry, Baklava...

4. Things to do on a rainy day -- enjoy the rain from inside with a cup of coffee, working on lesson plans or reading for pleasure, listening to relaxing music, baking with friends

5. Random goal for this year -- learn how to cook, well

6. I would love to...visit a movie set for a period film or BBC, interview the actors, watch them do their work

7. Concerts I would love to attend...Michael Buble, Casting Crowns, Celtic Woman, Meredith Andrews/ Brooke Fraser & Hillsong

8. Places to visit as a tourist (because I've been the student and the teacher overseas before)...all of the British Isles again, Italy, South Africa, & New Zealand/Australia

9. If I owned a shop beside the sea, it would be...a coffee/book/artists/hat shop with an open roof that you could visit with your cup of coffee and a journal or good book :)...a great relaxing place for fellowship

10. CRAZY hope for the future...ride in a hot air balloon or even drive (?) one!

11. If I could be a Fictional Character...ooh, boy...Jo from Little Women?

12. Goal(s) for the next few years...finish a complete IBS study on Romans, and find information on ESL Bible classes (how to start them, where, etc.)

New Places, New Transitions, New Prayers

2010-05-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, May 1, I moved into my new house. I didn't realize how little I had brought with me when I moved to Indiana just because I wasn't sure how long I would stay or what God had in store. The biggest thing I have now is a beautiful, almost-new sleigh bed that I bought off of Craig's list for a fantastic deal! I hope that that was a wise decision. What if I move into a little apartment next and cannot fit the bed inside it? Oh, I hope that doesn't happen. There are so many things you don't think about when moving into a house. Trash cans. Bottle openers. Spices. Dishes. Night Stands. There are so many little things that I still need to get...

Moving in was a little weird. I was the only one to move myself in. My roommate and her fiance (a recent, exciting development) were at a wedding and I didn't have that much to move in anyway, but it was still weird to be the only one around. I know this is going to be a transition. I can feel it. The biggest thing that I've been thinking about lately is When am I going to finally feel settled? Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and explore and experience new things -- but I am, surprisingly, feeling this need to just settle, to find something stable and sure. I don't want to keep moving around from place to place. Now with my roommate engaged, who knows what will happen when we reach the end of the new lease in six months? God, you know all about this. I ask for peace. Help me to feel peace and rest about living here and what you have for my future. I think it would be easier if family weren't so far away. Even though I have two cousins here, I hardly ever see them -- maybe once every month? Sometimes it is longer.

Moving in was also odd because I've been sick for about a week now. I have a lot of congestion and pressure in my forehead and sinuses. When you have to haul heavy duffel bags upstairs and you have a raging headache or continual cough, that doesn't make for a smooth transition either. Being sick has really affected me this week. I missed a day and a half of work, a whole Saturday worth of classes -- and it seems like it is staying the same. I've been taking medicine, but it has been miserable in the process, just waiting to get better.

God, thank you for providing and leading the way. Thank you for helping me daily. Thank you for your presence. This week, I've been continually reminded that I need your grace and strength and presence. What is next for me, God? That is the exact question I asked you when I moved here a few months ago and was living with some friends from my church. And, faithful as you are, you answered incredibly! You lead and guided and made a way for me. So now, Lord, my prayer is -- What is next for me? I need community and friendship. I was not made to live alone. God, would you please fill me? Would you please provide for this need? Help me to remember that you created me with that go-getter personality that has spunk. Help me to not sulk, but to go and pursue life actively. Help me to share your good news and open the doors for the truth to be heard. As I've been thinking about my job at LTC as an ESL teacher, I've been catching myself thinking or waiting for an end point...like you would have in college with the end of a practicum. But, this is not practicum. This is the real deal, a professional position that I must uphold and do my best in. It feels weird. Someone asked me how long I would be there. I have no idea. I was thinking...for...? I have no idea. Again, I feel that longing for something stable. I want to know when I drive home and park my car that it is in my driveway, at my house, on my land - and that I want to be there, that there is community there and people that need me and I need them. Oh Lord, only you know what I am trying to articulate. I give this to you.

Until next time,
Mary

Exactly What I Needed...Egg-zactly

2010-04-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I had the privilege of staying with my music pastor's teenage daughter while they made a quick trip to Pennsylvania. I was super excited when they called me earlier in the week. I love these kinds of things. I love being able to spend time getting to know teens and seeing who God is to them. Well, lately I've been hearing about God's Humor...and the first night I stayed at their home, I experienced it first hand. Oh, me and my absent-mind. I forgot my contact case and solution. But, of course, I didn't realize this until I was exhausted and ready for bed. So I started to pray. And pray. And pray. At first I thought about filling plastic cups up with my eye drops that I had and covering them with plastic wrap. But then I wasn't sure if the amount of eye drop liquid I had would do the trick. I sat on the bed and prayed. God, I have to work tomorrow. If I sleep in my contacts, it will make life horrible at work tomorrow and I won't be as quick with management because I will be distracted. God, is there something that you can do? And suddenly, my eyes were drawn to a basket of plastic Easter eggs. Perfect! I jumped up and attended the basket, pawing over each of the eggs and trying to find two eggs that didn't have pre-cut holes in them. Finally I found two and just started singing praises between my chuckles. What a funny idea! And it worked!! So to God's credit, His brilliant mind and humorous way of getting me out of my own self-inflicted predicament solve my little issue. He knew EGG-zactly what I needed!

I've been finding more and more things to pray about as I've been making more changes recently, the big life changes. Signing a lease. Taking a completely different job slightly unrelated to my degree. Learning to communicate specifically what I'm thinking without assuming that others can read my mind. Trusting God for my needs, like a bed. Night stands. A Dresser. All these things and more, He will supply in His timing. His Holy Spirit has cautioned me to not make quick decisions without asking, and I've failed some of the tests. He knows my needs. It's been amazing to look back on the entries that He has inspired in this blog and see how He has come through and provided. With the big move this weekend, I feel like I am walking behind plate glass while the What-If spirit tries to whisper lies and get me worried and anxious about the move. I need Papa's Spirit. I need to just climb up on His lap. Why does it take so much for me to trust Him sometimes? It's crazy that I can have great experiences like my story about the Easter eggs above and then share that other parts of my life haven't found that resting place in His arms because I'm listening too closely to the opposing side and I'm not actively replacing those lies with truth. God, I need your grace and mercy in this.

Dear readers, I need your prayers and I need you to help me praise God with grateful hearts. He has done so much! I don't want to get stuck in the mire of self-pity or insecurity or anxiety. I want to keep walking forward with my head held in view of His face.

All His love,
Mary

Humorous Animals

2010-04-20T20:54:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is lately with Llamas that just plain crack me up!

"Hardy Har, get my best smile on right here"

Journey of Prayer...

2010-04-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

Father,

Thank you so much that I can come to you on all occassions, with all types of prayers. This morning, my prayers are full of thanksgiving and giving you the concerns of my life. God, I think of my aunts and uncles and cousins whom you've provided for, lead and blessed. God, thank you for their testimonies. Their lives haven't been easy by any stretch, but you've given them peace. Thank you that your peace that passes all understanding accompanies us when we put our will in your hands, sacrificing our own ways. Thank you that when we turn to you, choosing your will, that you really do guide us and bless us.

Father, I've been thinking about that full-time teaching job that I've prayed about for a while now. God, I know that it will fall into my lap at the right time and that you will line up all of the circumstances. Help me to trust you during this time, show me exactly what steps of action I do need to take, and prepare me for that time when you are leading me to a classroom of my own. God, I keep getting excited, I keep seeing the need for mentors and teachers who are more than teachers, I keep thinking of fun activities for students to complete, I keep hearing conversations taking place after school with young girls who just need love and encouragement. I keep feeling that desire that you've placed there. At the same time, I see my weaknesses. But I know that those are all strengths in your eyes. Thank you for that, God! Thank you for how you've lead me.

And God, help me to not overlook my students at present now! At the Language Training Center, I encounter young and old students who all need you. God, they need your love and peace, but most importantly, they need your forgiveness. Please God, make me a living testimony - make me a vessel, a lighthouse, just something that will point them to you. Please help me to be intentional about sharing you with them. Why wouldn't I? You definitely didn't intend for me to be silent about what you've done for me. Please be with little *Rebecca, *Naiomi, *Samuel, *Anna, *Brigette, *Mr. Sidney, and *Max. And please bless my bosses. God, I know that some of them want to please you. For those that don't, please speak to their hearts through the love of their colleagues and the circumstances in their lives. God, thank you for them. Bless their leadership. Please help me to be a true blessing in their lives as well. Help me to be a diligent teacher. Thank you, God! You've provided wonderfully! I love my job there! It has been such a good transition for me.

God, I love you. Papa, I need you. Almighty Counselor, show me the way and I will follow.

Aren't His names powerful?

I ask all of this in Jesus name with faith. Amen.

And My God Shall Supply All of Your Needs...

2010-04-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, I signed the lease for the house. Pictures will soon be posted, if you haven't seen them already on facebook. I am super excited, but also in prayer about a summer job. I stepped out in faith, truly feeling like this is what I am supposed to do, and today, I am waiting for a very important phone call from a potential employer. I may be nannying, which I am really hoping and praying for. The neat thing is that I would technically be employed by a daycare service and could put that on my resume as educational experience (and the parents have asked for me to do some morning instruction with their children). The only tilting point for this decision is whether or not I can stay long term. If it is God's will, then yes. If not, God knows my needs. I was offered a permanent subbing position next year, so who knows? This daycare job would actually pay more, with consistent hours. Please pray with me for God's will. Especially now that I have signed the lease and will be responsible for this house for at least the next six months...I know that God will never leave me without. I have felt Him say this to me personally. Please pray that I would honor God today with my trust.

Thank you!

Yoked and Right Beside You

2010-04-15T05:04:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to share with all of you that I will be signing my very first lease on Sunday, April 18! I have never signed one, so initially I am a little nervous. It has been really awesome to see how God has showed me that this is what He wants. As I've been praying about this, God has been leading me to various devotionals, individuals, and verses. All have seemed to be pointing towards making that next big step to move out. It would be easy to stay with the family that I'm living with. However, the Lord has provided a little more and if you remember my IT JUST SO HAPPENS entries, it is evident that God has truly been a part of this.

Monday of this week, I prayed A LOT. It was so awesome. I hadn't fasted in a while (and please don't see this as me bragging -- God is SO good to me), but felt it was necessary because the decision is so important. It was great because as soon as I decided to fast for lunch that day, it was like God hightened my spirit to His spirit -- and before hunger or any other pain set in -- His spirit was already ministering to me! I felt like I was able to worship with more freedom and trust. Then, when I got to school, I spent my extra time with Him. I read several devotionals from Oswald Chambers (which I used to do a lot), and all of them had to do with trusting in Him, walking with Him, relying on His provision. It was AWESOME! I also want to share a picture that I got while I was reflecting over the devotionals. As I read, one of the scriptures had to do with casting your cares on Him and rolling your burdens onto Him. As I thought about doing that, I thought about God's yoke. His yoke is easy and burden is light. Then I saw in my mind's eye a yoke, like oxen would wear as they were plowing the field described in the Bible. I saw myself and Jesus yoked together and I felt like He was telling me a few things: We are in this together, I am walking right beside you. As you wait for an earthly Love, I am here - I'm all you really need and I am molding you to be equally yoked with me.

It was really neat to have that picture in my mind as I added up the pros and cons and tried to weight them out. God has been so faithful to miraculously provide for me! Thank you, Papa!

After the devotionals, I met a really awesome Art teacher that I was supposed to sub for. His meeting was on Friday, so I didn't need to be in his class for the block, but he invited me to stay. I saw that he had a Bible on one of the tables next to his desk. I told him that was great that he had it there and we ended up sitting on stools in the back of his room talking about God while his students worked on their illustrations. Two of the most influential things he shared in those moments were when he shared his testimony with me and the fact that sometimes we can focus on such minute prayers and requests -- when really God has so much more that He wants us to ask for. Half way through his testimony, my eyes got misty and he asked if I was okay. Haha. Yes, I am doing just great. I really needed to hear the words of his testimony, "So many people think that if you become a Christian, you have to give up so many things. In reality, it isn't what you give up, but what you gain!" -- hearing him at that point was so comforting.

And that was all before lunch!

Then lunch arrived and I settled into the driver's seat of my car with my juice and the book, Hinds' Feet on High Places, an allegory about a girl named Much-Afraid who goes with the Chief Shepherd to the High Places. I prayed and listened to the radio -- it was awesome how God accompanied me all day long before lunch. I expected that lunch time would be when I refocus and come to God, but God and I had already been together all day! It was wonderful.

My classes went really well for the rest of the day and when supper came, I was truly thankful for how God had been so faithful to me earlier that day. I called my parents after work and told them about my tentative plans. I wasn't sure how they would react even though they told me that moving would be healthy. When I first told dad about it a little over a month ago, he warned me to pray about it and not to rush into anything. I really appreciate him. What he said moved me to prayer. So, I called my parents and had them put me on speaker phone so everyone could hear my announcement (which was cool, too, because my older cousin, Bethany was there - and she and Val has been like the older sisters I never had. So it was really neat to have her there). My parents were excited for me and excited to see what God does with this.

After chatting with my parents, which went so well, I met my soon-to-be roommate at a local park and took a walk with her. That was really fun. I feel like I can really be myself around her. Praise God! We had a great time talking and getting to know each other more. God, please bless this friendship.

So, as I will be phasing into this chapter (Yay!), I am continuing to pray and give thanks for what God has done. A radio announcer asked in her prayer the other day that we would be careful to give Him praise for what He has done. Help me to be careful, Lord. This is you stepping in, being my Holy Husband, providing and protecting. God, you are so good to me. As I reflect back on last year's heartaches and trials with China, I can now see how you have used it and how much I needed to go through it. You have made Plan B look like Plan A -- who would've known? Who could've planned like that? It was so difficult, but you stepped in and defended me. I am not ashamed but thankful for what you allowed me to go through. Throughout the entirety of this past year, I have learned one of the most valuable lessons: that I really can trust you. God, I committ this next move into your hands. I committ my friendship with my soon-to-be roommate, my life and my decisions to you. I am relying on your grace and mercy. I cannot do anything without you and I don't want to! Please provide a long-term teaching job for me in your timing and help me to be diligent with the students you've given me now. I want to serve you and I know you are calling me to be a classroom teacher, K-12. God, I give that to you. It is in your timing and according to your plan.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

2010-04-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him" (1 John 5:14-15).

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

"…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints" (Ephesians 6:18).

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26).

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

"Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins'" (Mark 11:22-25).

I may be perhaps entering a new chapter of my life very soon. About a month ago, I posted some "IT JUST SO HAPPENS" entries which were circumstances that God had chosen to step in and show me His miraculous hand. Well, one of those very situations may be taking a turn that will change a lot of things for me. While I am praying about the situation, I am just hoping, hoping, hoping to make the right decision. It is a big step to move to a new place. Please be praying that I make the wisest decision. There are so many factors to consider, mostly with finances and where my career is headed.

Lord, I will move forward until you shut the door or show me which turn to take. God, I need your presence and direction. I want to be where you want me.

Forecast: Cloudy With a Guarentee of Hope

2010-04-05T05:49:00.000-07:00

Forecast: Cloudy with a chance of hope

This past week, Passion Week, I read 1 Peter through twice and the thing that stuck out to me the most was this "living hope" that we are born into through faith. The Saturday before Palm Sunday, I went to this really cool Creative-Artists Worship time at the house of some of my friends and the theme was "Hope". Hope can be defined two ways: 1) something wished for, and 2) something counted on or believed in, as fact. One of my friends commented that for the world, hope is the first definition. They hope for a great car or kids or an amazing job. But as Christians, we need to operate out of the second definition.

The last two weeks have been rather rough. I've felt homesick and alone, without anyone to just know what is going on in my heart without saying a word. I don't mind sharing what is going on with others, but after a while, I get sick of talking. There is a hunger in my heart to just be understood. During this time, it has also been easy to confuse my spiritual needs with my desires. Because I feel homesick and alone, I confuse that at times with a desire to be married; and that is simply not what God has for me right now. So then, if I jump on the "I want a Husband" train and choose to focus my mind on that instead of Jesus, I open my mind to daydreaming and am quick to believe in satan's lies that because it hasn't happened, it won't ever happen, that I am ugly, that I would be a terrible wife, and all of those other lies that cause my soul unnecessary strife and anxiety. It becomes this massive twisted train track of emotions and lies -- that really have nothing to do with right now and my number one need: God and His presence. God desires for me to rest in Him. My mind knows that, but my heart needs to know it.

I love the area that I've moved to and the church community that God has allowed me to become a part of; but it has been hard not having someone on a daily basis to confide in and share companionship with. In college, it is amazing -- you are surrounded with hundreds of people your own age going through exactly what you are going through. My roommates and I were sisters. Even here, I have two cousins and a growing circle of friends -- but it isn't enough.

My Grandma said that God wants me to lean on Him, that He's prepared special things He wants me to do, and what I am learning now will be so important for later -- learning to be content with Jesus, only Jesus.

When I really think about it...I do have someone to confide in and share companionship. Duh, Christian. You have someone -- and not just any someone -- but Jesus to confide in. Oh, it sounds so cliche. That's because this is what we're told, what we hear -- What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear...I thought I already learned to confide in Him, but I guess I've been relying so much on others to fill me and help me lately that I've forgotten the true and lasting Source. I mean, I talk to God on a daily basis, but I don't always wait on Him or really spend time listening. According to His word, God already sees and knows me deeply. Even with a blessed church community, why do I always go to others? Dear readers, I confess I need your prayers. I want to go to God for my everything, not just when I need something. God hasn't done anything wrong; it's me. Mental picture: a woman beggard holding out an empty cup. No amount of anything else will do except Jesus.

As I reflect on where I am right now, I have this mental image of the sun. Last week we saw a lot of it! I even managed to get a sunburn on my spring break! In INDIANA! In April!! As I think about it, God is like the Sun and it's rays. The Sun and it's light are always there, but sometimes the weathering circumstances or my feelings can distract me from the Sun and the fact that it is my Source for life. I don't always see the Sun and feel it's warmth. The beauty of sunrays shooting through large puffy clouds never seems to change; it's like the sunrays have personality -- their efforts are always to shoot downward towards earth. Sometimes, a storm comes and it may be a few hours before daylight seems like reality again. This happens upon takeoff in a plane. You breeze through layers of clouds and sometimes thunderstorms, but on top of all of that -- you always have beautiful blue skies and clouds. A thunderstorm could be raging on beneath, but the perfect blue sky and Sun still remain. I have to remember the truth and the Source through these times. His truth and presence are ALWAYS there, regardless of the circumstances and what I may be feeling or experiencing. Jesus never promised that it would be easy -- whether it is me forgetting that He is my Source or trials coming my way. Just as there is a 40% chance of rain showers today, I have a 100% guarentee of His living Hope.

David went through this, too, "Why so downcast, Oh my Soul? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him". "I will YET" -- which means that I can anticipate God's hand in my life, which has been so evident already!

I haven't gotten all of this figured out yet and I need to spend time with him. I remember a card that my roommate put on my desk one time when we were in college. It said something like, "Bask in God's presence today like a cat in the sunlight, and don't be afraid to even get a little sunburnt!" Ha! What a thought!

Adventure Pics!

2010-04-01T18:37:00.001-07:00

New Adventures!

2010-04-01T18:27:00.001-07:00

So, these days I am endeavoring to learn new things, test the rapids, and ha!, I am learning to cook. Surprisingly, I did a decent job for my first gourmet meal! Cheese souffles, Italian bread, and Coconut pie -- all homemade! Even though I missed getting pictures of the process, here are a few snapshots I was able to get...

I am also endeavoring to explore the great state of Indiana now that the weather is AMAZING! And, going with friends is always the best! Here is a snapshot of Beth and I heading to Mounds State Park to do some hiking. (More pictures on the next post)

Inglesh iz ard too espeek!

2010-03-24T07:23:00.001-07:00

I haven't really posted anything about the fantastic and wonderful world of English linguistics yet. As you may have noticed, I have found a few really fun linguistic websites and collected them on my side bar with the rest of my blogs. Here are a few funny pictures I found online. Enjoy!

Play sports or hobbits...I'm too tall, it wouldn't work for me...

AHHHH!!! They're EVERYWHERE!!

Uh....? Sully? Maybe for Sully in Monster's Inc.!

Treasure the use...need I say more?

Only on the digestive track.

Really?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Oh...that does not look good...

Could you get my toenails while you're at it?

Yes, avoid gnashing head on rocks...

I have got to get me one of these!

How many times can we use different cases of 'smoke' in one sentence?

Do you mean, Thank you for coming??

And this is why I am an English teacher...

Yikes! Stay out of that park!

Finally! They have a place for them!! Food for all now!!

Yuck.

Do not despise small beginnings...

2010-03-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I battled to keep the lies out. Lies that said, "You mooch", "How could you live with them this long?", "You don't belong here" or "They don't enjoy having you here anymore" -- nothing but LIES from the enemy. It is evident in how great the relationships are, what God has done in both parties, and His peace in my heart that I am supposed to be with them. On Sunday night, I met with a friend who mentioned briefly the verse from Zechariah that I don't believe I've ever heard before (as a verse anyway!). I looked it up online and was blessed by its relevance for me during this time. Once I read it, I thought Accept His gifts and His provision. Trust that you are where He wants you. Look at all the things He has done for you, Mary! God has been so good to you! So here is the verse:

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin..." (Zechariah 4:10)

When I was looking up this verse, I found a precious blog that I would like to share with you. This blog is kept by a young mom who also found comfort in this verse from Zechariah. Feel free to take a look: http://www.noordinarymomentsblog.com/2008/04/do-not-despise-these-small-beginnings.html

"...for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin..." -- How powerful to know and believe that this time in my life is something that makes Him rejoice! He gets excited because the work I am doing is truly beginning! Even though the initial training is over (for college), there will be many lessons continuing in the School of God (as my Granny Fall would say). My 'small beginnings' have been varied: living with a couple from my church and renting out their daughter's old bedroom, substitute teaching, making good contacts & starting to network, having just enough money for bills & minor expenses (like gas, etc.)...the list goes on. On Sunday I finally burst, but Dad simply said -"just one day at a time." To know that God doesn't despise this time in my life -- that the meager tasks I am completing on a daily basis do have purpose and the people I am influencing as a sub need me in their lives for however short a time -- He doesn't despise in, but REJOICES in. I believe that He rejoices in his daughter as I faithfully take on each task with peace, not with a despairing heart, but choosing to trust that He will provide and guide. As they say (whoever 'they' are)--"You've gotta start somewhere, right?"

Lord, I want to have that quiet, trusting heart. To take on each duty, each day - and to give my best regardless of the type or level of each task. Lord, help me to rejoice with you in these small beginnings. And may I pray, like my friend did on Sunday night, that you would bless me so that I can bless others. Father, I want to be what you want me to be. Help me to not miss any moments you have for me -- moments to be obedient, moments to meditate on you and your truth, moments to be active and moments to wait. Help me to live today as you desire for me to live. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Help me to live in that freedom as I walk with you, obeying and trusting you. I ask all of these things in the name of Jesus. And Holy Spirit, for whatever I cannot aritculate through human words, groan for me, intercede for me, and please pour your grace on. I think of these students. Walking corpses, some of them are. Clothed in your Righteousness, some of them are. All, you love. All, you desire. Please help them to come to know you as their personal savior. Amen.

Ooo! P.S.~ Right before that verse, an angel says to Zechariah, "So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty." -- So, only through God do these small beginnings have purpose and only through His Spirit can I walk with Him each day, accomplishing what He wants accomplished!

Personal Retreat

2010-03-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I need a personal retreat.

During the last few days, I've really hungered for a personal retreat. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people that are in my life. But...sometimes, you just need to be alone to process, rethink things, be refreshed. Am I right? Well, the week subbing ended okay. After classes on Saturday, I stayed at the office and got organized and finished paperwork. I then remembered that a woman at my church had given me an invitation for a special worship service they were doing on Saturday night from 5-7 p.m. What was neat about this worship service was that you could come and go as you please, worship through song or artwork, journal, rest, pray, etc. It was wonderful. I arrived an hour late and by the time it ended I thought, Really? It's over already?

I need a personal retreat with God.

Today after church I met a friend for lunch and then decided to go to downtown Noblesville to a coffee shop. I brought my Bible, a good book, and two of my journals -- ready to regroup. I ended up calling my dad and sister and all of the emotions and elements of the future that are unsure just came rushing out through tears. I love them. They were such great listeners. They didn't act like they knew everything. They didn't try to conquer the conversation with all of their "experience." Dad just simply said, "Just one step at a time" and with that, peace. After a while, the conversation changed and my eyes dried; Kristen and I chatted for three hours! I am noticing her changing more and more. She is such a beautiful person, and the result of pain is making her more and more beautiful. It was GREAT to talk to her. I parked my car and walked around the quaint little town, describing the old brick buildings and little shops, sipping my coffee, reading the historical markers on some of the older buildings. My younger sister joined our conversation, too, and the three of us had such a blast chatting together. I cannot tell you how much I miss them. Even though I had a great time walking around and catching up with my sisters, I didn't leave feeling inwardly, personally renewed.

When I think about being refreshed, I usually see myself in a serene setting first-- whether it is outside underneath a tree during the summer months, in a window seat with a great book during a rainstorm, in my grandmother's spare bedroom, or in a bathtub of bubbles surrounded by vanilla candles. You may picture a spa in the mountains, a cozy nap on the couch, a walk in the woods...All of those pictures are great and believe me, I've had lots of outdoor walks and returned feeling completely refreshed. However, those alone are incomplete pictures of what being refreshed looks like. They are missing something. If God isn't present -- no, if God isn't communed with...then I usually don't leave being refreshed. The place is just the whipped cream, the topping, the desert. But being with God, communing with Him, seeking what He wants, listening and obeying...that is the main course.

Through both of these experiences, I felt like the settings were perfect, but I didn't fully get what my heart needed. And even though I was able to sleep in this morning because we didn't have worship or choir practice, the extra sleep refreshes my body -- but my heart still needs to be refreshed. When I was in China (this exact time last year), I remember being miserable and anxious because of the circumstances. Now that I reflect back on those experiences, I remember God bringing me various pictures throughout the day that brought me such sweet peace. Memories of being with my cousin, Valerie, in Mesick and Frankfurt. Pictures of friends, family, our farm, times of comfort, my dad. God also brought me several of my favorite movie soundtracks that also helped me to remember the times of peace before. So, pictures and music are indeed important. God sometimes brings pictures to our minds to remind us of His goodness and instances in the past where He has come through and shown Himself faithful. The pictures themselves without God don't do anything -- but they had significance because God gave them significance! The only true refreshment I can find will be in the presence of God.

I still need a personal retreat with God. I know it is coming soon. While I wait, I will be faithful.

Much love to you, my Readers...

"Pick me up, Daddy!"

2010-03-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

Last night at choir practice, the music director read a chapter from a book on worship during our devotions. The author painted a very real picture for me with one of his illustrations. {I have embellished some parts to this picture so that you could see what I saw!} Imagine a father and little three or four year old child getting into an elevator. With each new floor stop, more and more people try to cram into the increasingly heavy box, hoping to get to their meetings and work within minutes. With every new passenger, the little child clings to her Daddy's hand more, shifting with him as each new passenger comes with their own unique shape and style, luggage and disposition. Pretty soon, there is barely enough room to blink and what is resting at eye level for the little four year old is nothing but belt buckels, purses and bags, and an ever-swinging elbow that barely grazes her scalp. There is just enough space to see the red "stop" at the bottom of the other floor buttons. How the little four year old wishes she could reach through the trafficking legs and bodies, pressing the stop and open buttons, pushing all the others out to leave her with alone with her Daddy and peaceful space. She looks up among all the heads of people -- tumbling curls hanging above her, a hat shifting the shadows from the lights above, a man with a hairy nose, and finally -- her Daddy -- still holding her hand and looking confidently at the lit up floor number resting on the half-circle in which they are to exit from. Reaching up with outstretched arms and fingers, the child says with desperation, "Daddy, please! Pick me up, Daddy!" -- and something in my heart resonated with something in that little child's heart.

Father, I need a new perspective on this job-hunting thing. And with the future. I feel like I am that little child -- and all I see are belt buckles and purses and the ever-swinging elbow of finances coming back and forth at me. God, I know you will provide and I believe you will provide. Please help me to keep my mind from all the things that are temporary (those things that will exit the elevator) and from the things that Satan wants me to speculate about and doubt about. God, help me to work hard, trust you, and wait patiently. Please give me peace about the future. As I did the dishes the other day, You spoke so personally and genuinely to my heart, saying that you would never leave me without provision. Father, I am calling out and seeking your face above the things of this world -- draw me close to you. Pick me up so that I can have a new perspective on things. I worship you, Lord. You have a purpose and a plan for our lives, and you will not abandon us! I pray all of these things in the power of Jesus' name with confidence and faith. Amen.

Dear Readers, I am anticipating God's hand! I can't wait to share another, "IT JUST SO HAPPENS..." story with you! Please pray that God would continue to show up in miraculous ways and show me what He wants for me. I trust him! Please pray that God would show me the things I need to do to get a full-time teaching job here. I know He will provide -- I believe that it is just a matter of time!

Waiting, waiting, waiting

2010-03-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

I am not waiting idlely. I am praying. And everyday, I am desiring a job as an ESL teacher more and more. As I work with the students here at LC and LN, God has allowed me to teach, practice management, and develop a growing rapport with these students. I walk away feeling refreshed. I love being with these students even when I have to step up and manage or discipline. There is just a sense of peace that I am where I am supposed to be.

Please pray for me. I've heard so many things about hundreds and thousands of teachers being let go, yet so many teachers I have talked to say that I shouldn't have a problem getting a job because of the great need for ESL teachers and because my license is K-12. With these dueling sides, I am praying for that special classroom that I am meant to be in. Please pray that God would provide and reveal these things to me. I know He is preparing me right now for it. I wish I could just start working in one of the high schools that I am at right now. I have already started building relationships with the kids and I know a lot of the staff, which I've also started buidling good rapport with. It would seem natural to me to transition into a teaching position at one of these places. But God knows.

Thank you, dear Readers.

He Alone Can Rescue...

2010-03-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today, I sang the solo at church and God really did help. I praise God that He is allowing me to learn the lesson of taking care of this gift especially now before our Easter program when I still have time to practice, practice, practice. I always wanted to sing in church or use my voice for something, but as a teenager, it just never worked out. And, I think that was on purpose. My relationship with God wasn't as authentic as it is now. Now, when I sing it means so much more. Even on Sunday morning as we practiced, I remembered what a friend once said to me when I was asked to sing at a wedding and couldn't sing well because of a sore throat. "Make a joyful noise to the Lord, Mary Sue." And, I did! Even though my part wasn't that great, I was worshipping! I want that for the Easter program. It will be my first, ever, where I am part of the program.

This lesson of learning to take care of my gifts and use them as an offering has been good, but not easy for me. I really took it seriously when our choir director told us one rehearsal that there were two things that Trinity valued for us: musical excellence and spiritual excellence. And I fell short. BUT GOD IS GOOD. I wasn't sure how our choir director would take me missing a four-hour practice because of teaching this past Saturday, but he was very gracious. Between Wednesday and Saturday, I was upset at myself for not emailing him or letting him know sooner. So, lessons in diligence as a whole have been part of the curriculum in, as my wonderful Grandma Fall would say, "the School of God". I take comfort in her words because "He trusts you, Mary Sue!" as she has often told me. Praise God for an amazing mentor, friend and parent in my life as Grandma Fall.

When God gives you a gift, it is then your responsibility to get curious, rattle the box a bit, open it, investigate it, experiment with it to find it's best use, practice using it with it's best use, and then USE it! For me, the lesson was to first be willing to use it for Him, to keep practicing, to keep my heart focused on Him, then to USE it for HIS GLORY.

Just some thoughts for you...goodnight, friends!

Update on Substitute Teaching

2010-03-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

Alright, so here is my update on subbing. I have been trying to think of a particular experience that stuck out as a "God Moment", but honestly, I am having them all the time. Whether it is just talking to the students or correcting them, laughing with them or helping them to finish the assignments, I feel like God has just been loving them through me. Or maybe it is just His peace that I am enjoying so much lately -- His peace that this is where I am supposed to be. Thank you, Lord! Teaching really is an awesome opportunity because I see sooo many kids in a day! Even though subbing is NOT teaching, I feel like I am making good connections and helping kids, even if it is only for 90 mns a day. Also, I've met a lot of great staff and teachers who really care about what they're doing. It's exciting when teachers realize that I am a teacher and can teach their lessons. I love that. About two weeks ago, I subbed for students taking a test in a math class. Towards the end of the class, this girl came up and I invited her to just sit and chat with me for a while. What a wonderfully-made creation blessed with such drive and potential! We had a great talk about college, the future, and what to do with passions that we just "have". I saw her earlier this week which was a treat and then I had her again in class this morning. We chatted a bit after class and she had no idea that she needed to fill out a FAFSA form for college next year! I hope it is not too late! Please pray for this special girl. I will call her *JaMia in my entries, should I mention her again. I remember asking God a month ago when I first started this to give me just one student that I could maybe get to know well and mentor a bit, if God feels like I am in a good place to mentor someone else. Well, who knows what will happen?

As I have met and worked for many teachers, I've been able to share where I'm from and what my degree and certification is in. Several of the teachers I've talked to have said in reply to my K-12 ESL degree/license that "oh! you should be set! you'll be just fine for a job!" -- to which I am hoping and praying for. I know that I am where God wants me for right now and I know that it will not be all rosy when I do get that position as a teacher...so, I am trying to remember that He is and will prepare me for that position, that He can see ahead of time all of the struggles and situations I will encounter, and that He knows when the right timing is. Even though I really want it, I've got to trust for that just-right position for me and that just-right timing. I hope that soon I will be able to post another entry entitled, "IT JUST SO HAPPENS...that I GOT A JOB, PRAISE GOD!"

God, help me to wait on you, Lord. Please provide a full-time ESL teaching position at the right time and in the right place, and help me to trust you for it. Thank you for your precious love. I love you, God.

I couldn't do any of this without God's grace and strength. He speaks through me because he delights in them; I'm just a vessel. I am so thankful for His grace, dear friends! I couldn't love or listen or encounter each student with grace if it wasn't for His great love and grace. I am not worthy. He is worthy!

You Alone Can Rescue

2010-03-11T04:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you readers have heard the song by Matt Redman called, "You Alone Can Rescue", but the lyrics are really powerful. For our church choir I was asked to take the solo, which is actually a male tenor solo. Initially, I was excited and validated - God was using my talents and wanted to continue to use them. However, over the past few weeks, I have mindlessly neglected my music. My biggest pet peeve about myself is that. The things that I know I should do and need to do, but I don't do them because at the time I may not see the immediate need for my attention to a certain matter. Can anyone say procrastinate? ARG, I hate it. I hate when I procrastinate.

Back to the song...last night after choir, I was discouraged about the song and my lack of time spent on it. Even though people in choir said that it sounded good, it wasn't where I wanted it to be and I could tell certain people were disappointed. God has given me this opportunity to share and lead and for Him to use me, and I haven't been doing my part. I ended the night discouraged and woke up this morning with that same sense. As I was leaving, however, I began to think of the meaning behind the song. How should I prepare myself for this song? By praising Him for the time I do have before Sunday. By understanding the meaning. I look at the words and I know that it is my story of how God found and saved me. Even more, "You alone can rescue" has so much relevance for the everyday challenges that I've been encountering.

Lately, I've been hearing various world views at work like people believing that the Bible is just a bunch of stories to help us be better. On a t.v. program I watched last night, this man gave his son an inspirational picture of a tree that said, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It's like this constant effort of most people to find morals and good lessons outside of the gospel and God's word. It is like skim milk. Watered down yuck. {just an illustration, I like skim}

How about the show Guliana and Bill? I watched it the other night and was close to being sick because of how petty they were being. Any little stress they had or problem would be solved by money. They would come up with this extravagant plan (like going on an expensive couples retreat challenge week)to forget that they had stress or issues (like everyone else). It made me kind of sick -- one of the comments that the main actress reacted with was "Oooh, I need a gift" -- after her husband administered a shot to her (like a fertility shot) that caused a very small amount of pain (and all of her fears are usually treated this way, with pampering). In that same show, Guliana and Bill fly to an expensive resort in Arizona (they live in Chicago) for a couples retreat because they are stressed out due to infertility. The couples (their friends) all experience competitive tension because it is a challenge retreat where they are competing for a heavy golden cup. They end up going to this ranch which is part of the resort, where this horse whisperer/psychologist tries to judge what their fears are based on whether or not they can pick up the horse's hoof. If they can't move it, that means they are struggling with a fear or jealousy or anger. It seemed like this guy just pulled these things out of the sky! Okay, so you didn't pick up the horse's hoof. Why have you been treating your husband like he is unworthy of you lately? WHAT?! They are trying to figure out and solve their problems by meaningless things. By the end of this exercise with the horse whisperer person, they had all cried and bonded. Seriously, I am not trying to be cynical -- this exercise was just ridiculous! My cousin and I were laughing the whole time. What would happen to them if they went bankrupt or lost their jobs? I mean, sure, it's nice to get away when you are stressed, but on this show it seems like such a cop-out.

People are so hungry and are looking in all the wrong places! Or better yet, think of the ways that people try to earn their salvation or measure up to God's standards without knowing Him or being forgiven by Him. "You Alone Can Rescue" really resonates with me because of that; Only GOD can save me from this world and myself, my sinful and unworthy self. I am so full of flaws. Please pray for Sunday, for our time of worship, for my heart. I want to be a living testimony through this, whether I do great or terribly. Sure, I can learn the lyrics and the notes, but without really connecting to the truth of this song, it will not be more than just a song. I want to worship Him. Please feel free to post any scripture or personal testimonies that relate to this song. Love you guys.

Here are the lyrics:

YOU ALONE CAN RESCUE, Matt Redman

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still
(Repeat 1x)

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way
The great divide You heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
Yes, your love goes further still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
(Repeat 2x)

You alone

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
(Repeat 7x)

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
(Repeat 2x)

To You alone

AHH! IT JUST SO HAPPENS, AGAIN!

2010-03-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I am really excited to write ANOTHER entry about God's magnificent care over me! IT JUST SO HAPPENS that this week I have been such a feather-brained creature and have locked myself OUT of my car...twice. I know, Stupid, right? Well, the first time wasn't so bad because I was just in the driveway outside my house and could run upstairs to get the spare -- spair? -- key and unlock it. YESTERDAY, however, I was at school, about 10-15 minutes away from my spare -- spair? (sp, please!)-- other key and had NO way of getting to it. No one from home was answering their phone and I don't have AAA. So...I stopped a cop, who didn't have the tools. I waited for a security guard from the school, who wasn't allowed to help because of liability with the electric. I finally got a hold of another security guard who said he could do it because he was technically off duty and it would be a personal favor, but he couldn't seem to get in the car. THEN, a man in a white van with a sign on the top that read "1-800-POP-UP" (or Pop Out, or something like that) pulls up and asks if we need help. Stunned, I asked, "Did someone call him?...uh, Did someone call you?" -- to which he replied, "No, I was just in the area" -- WOW! So, HE JUST HAPPENED to be in the area and that JUST HAPPENED to be his profession - road side help -- when I got locked out of my car and have no way to my spare/spair/other key -- man, I really need to look up the correct spelling before it kills me...

So, yay! There's my most recent account of God's provision. The man wouldn't let me pay him either. Wow. I asked for a business card and hopefully, I can send him something later or at least ask for a chunk of his business cards to help him advertise.

Well, It Just So Happens...

2010-03-08T07:32:00.001-08:00

If I had to entitle the season of life I am in right now like the title of a chapter in a book, I'd have to call this one "It Just So Happens." There have been several exciting things take place over the last two months since I moved here to Indiana.

Coincidence #1?: First of all, the Language Training Center. Getting a job there has been wonderful, and I am hoping and praying that I will be able to stay there for a good amount of time. Everytime a teacher gets a new student there, they meet with the ESL coordinator to discuss the student: what language they speak, where they are from, what their goals in English are, and what their language proficiency is. Well...It Just So Happens that at the very first "briefing" I attended for one of my first students, I ran into an OLD friend that I hadn't seen for close to 10 years. To give you a bit of history, when I was 10 I began attending a summer youth camp in southern Indiana, at Shakamack Camp Grounds, made up of several other youth groups. I attended this camp from ages 10-14. During that time (I think the first year, actually), I met this young girl who was around my age. We became good friends and started exchanging letters and Christmas cards throughout the years we attended camp. After the last year I went to camp, I lost contact with this girl and hadn't heard from her since. I thought I knew she attended Taylor Unv. (15 mns. from IWU), but that memory was foggy. SO! Back to the story, I am sitting in this briefing on my new student and there is another girl my age sitting next to me because we are sharing this student. Suddenly she turns to me and says, "If I said FYC to you, would that sound familiar?" -- I glanced off, blinking my eyes several times, hoping to realize what she was saying. Finally, it dawned on me! FYC, or Fellowship Youth Camp, was the name of the youth camp, and looking down on the face sheet, I read her name. "Oh my goodness, Michelle! It's been like what, 9 or 10 years?" (Probably less, but it seemed forever!) So, we finished the briefing just absolutely shocked and stunned. She just so happened to be working at the same company I just got hired at. She just so happened to be an ESL teacher, like me. She just so happened to be sharing a student with me. And, she just so happened to be a great childhood friend that I nearly forgot about. It is great to see you again, Michelle!

Coincidence #2?: This past week was a challenge for me. I've been subbing everyday for two high schools and trying to get into the groove of a good schedule for teaching at night as well. Part of me enjoys this new phase, while the other part really hates it. I'd love to just get into a stable full-time job where I can get myself settled. Well, on Tuesday morning of last week, it JUST SO HAPPENS that I was placed in an ESL classroom. I went in, introduced myself, and let her know what my certification and licensing were in. She was excited to know that I could teach her students, and so we began going through the lesson plan for the day. While we did that, she stopped and said, "This is going to sound really random, but do you have a place to live?" -- I was kind of surprised to hear this and answered that yes, but it was temporary, that I am looking for something longterm. She then explained that her roommate is getting married, the place where she lives is close to where I live now, and the rent is incredibly reasonable. Hesitantly, I said, "Wow, that is so funny that you say all of this because I have actually been...[hesitantly]...praying about a roommate." She looked at me and said, "That's what I was just going to say!" So, she JUST HAPPENS to be an ESL teacher, a Christian, and in need of a roommate. Whether it will work out or not, it JUST SO HAPPENS that I serve an amazing God who knows my needs before I even speak them out, who knows the passions and desires He has given me, who CALLS ME BY NAME, and who has GOT my back. See, Mary, I've got you, Babe.

Wow.

And, I'm sure there are more IT JUST SO HAPPENS stories to come, but for now, I just wanted to share those brief ones.

Praise GOD!

Hinds' Feet On High Places, #1

2010-03-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

Finally! I have been wanting to blog for a few weeks now and catch everyone up! There is so much to share -- lessons I am learning in this new season of life, parallels I am seeing between an allegory I am reading for Sunday school and my real life, and of course, updates on my jobs! Praise God!

First I wanted to share with you the book I just began for a Sunday school class called Hinds' feet on High Places, written by Hannah Hurnard. This classical story is about a girl named Much-Afraid who lives in the Valley of Humiliation. I love allegories because what you get out of the text is not necessarily direct and exactly what the author meant or was thinking - but God can pull out and bring to our attention things that we need to learn that are specific to our personal life. Based on my frame of reference, events and attitudes and characters in the story can be perceived slightly different than other people might perceive them. God uses the art of analogies and metaphors all the time to teach and help us make valuable connections in every day life (which is, by the way, one of the reasons I love English so much). But anyways...

Initially, I was confused at the title of Hinds' Feet on High Places. What is that -- like hind feet on a dog? a deer? any four-legged creature? As I began reading, I started to understand. It comes from the book of Habakkuk 3:19. "The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me walk upon mine high places." Basically, the Chief Shepherd (who is God, of course), is described as a being who can bound the hills (like a deer) with great ease, plunging to the depths where the Valley of Humiliation is (where He tends his flocks) and calling to those individuals living there to come with Him to the High Places. The High Places from the book, are described by the Chief Shepherd as follows, "The High Places are the starting places for the journey down to the lowest place in the world. When you have hinds' feet and can go 'leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills' [which He does], you will be able, as I am, to run down from the heights in gladdest self-giving and then go back up to the mountains again. You will be able to mount to the High Places swifter than eagles, for it is only up on the High Places of Love that anyone can receive the power to pour themselves down in an utter abandonment of self-giving."

So, just to make sure that you're still with me, Much-Afraid is going to go on this journey with the Shepherd and it will enable her to come back to the Valley of Humiliation. Is that all? Nah. The Valley of Humiliation is not exclusive to her. There, she lives among her family, the family of Fearings, who absolutely despise the Shepherd and his workers (those who have already joined Him in the High Places and are back now...I think). Once Much-Afraid meets the Shepherd and agrees to go to the High Places, He tells her to not tell anyone, for they would be very hostile. Just before she leaves for the High Places, her family is trying to get her to marry her cousin, Craven Fear. They keep her captive in her own house when they discover that she is going to leave. Thankfully, she has a friend, Mrs. Valiant, who comes bounding at Much-Afraid's cry for help. She shoos them away and I love the description of this character. "Mrs. Valiant, whose name described her exactly...was not the sort of person to be the least intimidated by what she called, "a pack of idle Fears." Thrusting her face right in through the window, she cried in a threatening voice. "Out of this house you go, this minute, every one of you. If you have not left in three seconds, I shall call the Chief Shepherd. This cottage belongs to him".

There is so much more that I could explain and share with you to catch you up, but I want to pause there because God gave me a very vivid picture of what these "idle fears" look like in my life. Bear with me -- I understand that this is a picture that God gave me personally, so it might not resonate with you personally that way it did with me.

I love the atmosphere of a cozy restaurant. Even more, I love that in places like these, along with coffee shops and book stores, you can combine a warm environment with comfort foods and couches, and great smelling coffee with laughter and friendship (yeah, that totally sounds like I'm writing a cheesy magazine article or something). That's kind of what I love about teaching and having your own classroom as well. You create this environment, unlike any of your other colleagues and in that space, you can foster growth and learning, friendship and mentoring, or just have fun with your students. So, anyways, back to the picture of the restaurant. When I read this portion of Mrs. Valiant coming because of these idle fears, I had this picture in my mind. It was kind of like I was a hostess for this cozy, corner-side restaurant. I can hear the music, I am welcoming guests in and serving them, and the atmosphere is not intense, but just relaxed (like on a Saturday). As guests come in, I am showing them to their seats and sharing how delighted I am that they are here. And I am! By this time in my picture, I am caught up in meeting people and bringing them their food, meeting their needs and getting to know them during the short time they are there. Suddenly, out of no where, I imagine a huge man of sorts with a pig belly that shifts from side to side as he walks towards me. He has a dirty meat knife in his hand and blood stains on a white kitchen apron and he tells me that it is my turn to go back to the meat locker and get something. I imagine we rotate these duties. Afraid, a cold sweat sweeps over my brow as I stand paralyzed at the thought of having to go to the meat locker - a freezer containing the dead carcases of animals whose meat we use for our restaurant. So I begin walking back to the locker, the distance from the front to the back - all of 12 feet -- seeming an eternity and dread. Finally, I reach the door and an overwhelming waft screams at me as I open the heavy door, along with a freezing chill that reaches my toes and then climbs up to my neck. Before me, half a dozen bodies hang from the ceiling, shifting slowly as new wind enters their quarters. I realize that I am terrified of these things. They are disgusting and revolting (in real life, I don't mind things like this). In order to complete my task, however, I must make my way untouched through the maze of heavy swinging bodies to the back of the locker to get something (whatever that may be). I make my way back and suddenly, the door closes. All I can see now is the bright red EXIT sign at the front of the meat locker, glaring on the already-crimson creatures. For a moment, I am paralyzed again and begin to panic. What if I can't get out? What if one of the bodies falls? What if I have to touch one? What if they aren't really dead? (Silly, I realize) What if? What if? What if? Then, after I've had my fill of what-ifs, I realize that all I have to do is find my way back to the EXIT and I can leave. The bodies of meat represent those idle fears in my life. They have NO POWER over me. They are held tightly at the top, unable to walk on their own. They have no REAL LIFE. They, themselves, are IDLE. Taking the EXIT is an act of FAITH and sometimes that is all we see! I have to remind myself that just below the EXIT sign, there is a door. Once I pass from that thresh hold, those fears do not follow me and once I am back in the restaurant, I forget they even exist. Don't let that butcher come and tell you what you need to do! Don't let him ask you to go there, where your idle fears are hanging!

40 Fun Things...

2010-02-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

1. What is your current obsession?
LOST and ZUMBA…and checking my email…not because I want to, but because I have to!

2. What are you wearing today?
Black and White plaid dress pants, black Ann Taylor smock with a black lace undershirt, black suit jacket, and black dress shoes. Yup, I’m substituting today.

3. What’s for dinner?
Hummm…I have no idea! The question right now would be, What’s For Lunch?? I’m STARVING!!

4. What’s the last thing you bought?
Gas for Blue Belle

5. What are you listening to right now?
Dozens of muffled genres of music from headphones and ear-buds jammed into high-school-ers ears-- who are all attempting to make themselves look productive as they stare off into the World Wide Web doing nothing of great value. I’ve decided to join them, obviously. I have gotten up to check, but the teachers who helped prepare me this morning told me to be slack because I was a sub and it wasn’t a huge deal if they ate or played games online. Wow. AND, Do they really think I am that stupid? I get up to make a round and do checks and students click on the minimized links on the start bar – to hide whatever they know they shouldn’t be on from my eyes. HELLO, folks! I am from your generation and I’ve totally done that before! Just get your homework done and then you can play! Jeeze…not that hard…

6. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Maybe on California Coastline or a Victorian-style townhouse in the suburbs of a city.

7. What is one thing you want to change about yourself?
Being more disciplined in my quiet time with God; being more intentional about sharing the gospel with people I’ve know for years and not just living it out, but bringing myself to say things.

8. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
I love these types of questions. Man! It’s hard though because I want to go so many places!! Maybe for the next hour I would go back to St. Andrews, Scotland or London. I loved exploring those areas…

9. Which language do you want to learn?
If you know anything about me, languages are my fascination. I love studying them, even if I am not working towards fluency. I guess if I were to learn a language to be fluent in it, I would have to finish up French. I love that language.

10. What’s your favorite quote?
Lately…”Don’t doubt in the dark what God has told you in the Light”, “Are you listening? Keep Running!”

11. Would you cook for me?
PASTA and BREAD. Those are my favorite foods and I’m hoping my hips won’t have to pay too badly for it in the future.

12. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Hmmm, good question. I’ve recently had to think about this, so I guess just not make a huge effort to talk to them, but still be friendly and open. There are some people who, no matter what you say or try to explain, they always think they are right and will go to the ends of the earth trying to prove you wrong. In those situations, I pray a lot for both sides and make a move based on how important the issue was. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

13. What are you excited about today?
I am super excited today because upon my arrival to the school I was to substitute for, there was some confusion as to where I was going. I ended up going to the ISTEP tutoring center, which wasn’t for regular substitutes. Something didn’t seem quite right, so I went back to the office and the secretary was shocked to see me! She was like, “We’ve been looking for you! And Veronica has, too! She already called another substitute” – but because it wasn’t my fault (the gentleman in charge of the tutoring just assumed I was part of his team, shook my hand, and took me to the tutoring center. I had subbed once at this school before, and I knew the typical process for subbing, and nothing that morning had gone according to what I thought it was to. SO, after we cleared up confusion, I was shown a different classroom – a computer classroom – where I supervised, mostly. THE GREAT NEWS IS…when I went to find the new classroom, I talked to a younger guy who just got off the phone with the secretary, who asked me if I would be interested in a PTC position, or a Full-time subbing position, which is paid a little more and it would be regular. YAY! So, I accepted it, and through the chaos of this morning, I am happy to say that it was worth it. I am now going to be working between two high schools, every other week. YAY! Something consistent, Praise GOD!

14. Who would you like to see right now?
My family. I would love to go out to lunch with my parents and sisters. I miss them.

15. What is your favorite color?
Purple.

16. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Me? Styling tips? Hummm…no jeans from the early 90s or 80s, don’t be afraid of dangly earrings (their fun!), and mascara is great for anyone, including those who don’t ever wear makeup.

17. What is your dream job?
My MATURE dream job is to teach an ESL/BIBLE class and travel for work (possibly present what I’ve learned). My IMMATURE dream job is to be a world tour guide in a hot air balloon.

18. What’s your favorite movie(s)?
Emma or anything Jane Austen (done by BBC, of course), Little Women, Ever After, anything with a GREAT music score.

19. If you had $100 now to spend on something fun, what would you spend it on?
I would take my friends to see a movie and dinner…

20. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Anything I did in middle school or before. No stretchy pants, no radar bangs, no bright pink lipstick. That should’ve been outlawed. Who were we listening to?

21. Who, according to you, is the most over-rated writer?
Maybe the Twilight series? I don’t know. I’ve heard they are really well written, but for me, if it doesn’t have any significant substance for my walk with God, its just another entertainment that I usually forget about…

22. What brings a smile on your face instantly?
An unexpected cup of Starbuck's, a snail-mail note or package, things from my mom in the mail, finding out someone thinks I’m cute…hehe

23. What is one word that you say a lot?
Hummm…I don’t know as of late, but I love the word Über. It is a German word that means “Beyond” and even though I’ve heard it before, I didn’t know what it meant (other than a lot). Because it’s an actual word from another language and not just a made-up slang word, I find it cool. I want to use Über more.

24. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
The one I have right now! I love having side swoop bangs with long layers. I haven’t liked a hair cut like this in a long time! I’d really like to keep it like this.

25. What are you going to do after this?
After this Q:A, I will probably go to lunch, then finish the day subbing. I’m usually not on the computer like this EVER, but it is a computer lab, not really a classroom…then off to the Thompson’s to babysit.

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
I talk to someone, read, pray, try to reflect and remember what I’ve done in the past when things like this have come up, call my dad.

27. What makes you go wild?
Fun music, ZUMBA, my best friends

28. What is your favorite genre of music?
I love movie scores, celtic, guitar, instrumental, Christian worship, Nickel Creek, workout music, etc. Really, I should tell you what I don’t like…heavy metal and hate bands…old twangy country…

29. What inspires you?
Hope in the midst of hopelessness. Great stories of faith. Being comfortable on a Saturday when I don’t have to go anywhere. Nature.

30. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Mary Sue

31. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
Coffee... but it has to have cream in it! I also REALLY love Vanilla Hazelnut Tea…it tastes wonderful with a little bit of milk and sugar…YUM.

32. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
I’m not a huge blogger, but I want to be more consistent with it. I guess its finding that freedom in just writing and not caring if you have correct spelling or grammar, which is hard for me…I do love visiting my cousin’s blog (Stephen and Michelle) and the other ones at the bottom of my page when they update! 

33. What is your favorite dessert/sweet?
Hot brownies with vanilla ice cream…I love dessert, so again, ask me what I don’t like…

34. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
Five. Yikes.

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I look really tired. Wow.

36. What is your favorite season?
I love every season for various reasons, but as far a temperature, I love Fall and Spring – I love the 70s...but there is beauty in every season…

37. What is one wish that you really want to see come true?
To be married someday to my best friend.

38. What breaks your heart?
Knowing that people hurt and suffer without Hope…that people actually look back and see time they spent on earth as a waste or worthless. Children who are being hurt or abused. Abused Animal commercials.

39. What's one thing you really want to do in life?
Be genuine: Really live for God, live out and share the Gospel, leave a legacy for my family that they can be blessed by.

40. What’s something you’re looking forward to?
Getting a full-time job, being married, having children…oh! In the here and now? Still Lunch!! In all seriousness, our sunday school's next book of study: High Places on Hind's Feet. It's been on my list for a while now. YES!

A Date with God...

2010-02-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day is quickly approaching and this year, as I envisioned the day, I saw it with those warm feelings that you get when you crawl up on a soft couch with a cup of joe or tea with a good book on a snowy, wintry day. Safe and warm. Restful and open for rejuvenation. With the joys of being single, one in particular that I am enjoying is my time. I thought: While everyone is enjoying their significant other and I am still waiting, why don't I spend it with the Most Faithful One that has never dumped me, dropped His confidence in Me or in His plans for Me? So yes, friends, I am planning a private retreat for God and I in celebration of true love for Valentine's Day. Yes, I have a Date with God.

So I began to browse various blogs for ideas, not really honing in on anything too specific, but finding an entire series of linked blogs that were beautifully decorated with Vintage and Renaissance Arts. I wish I could find a tea house to visit and rest at for the day. Antiques and classic pieces of pottery and stone were séanced by the chords of restful piano sonatas and blue French teacup patterns; Most of the blogs were created by older Christian women. I treasured the photos of book cases filled with classic literature, rare tea pots, floral arrangements, quotes by beloved authors like Jane Austen, and proverbs from a hundred tongues making known their divine wisdom. I was enchanted by playlists resplendent with a decadent collection of Four Seasons, Claire De Lune, and other adored classical composers. I searched the websites for clever photographs and encouraging scriptures; as I did, I noticed that after a while, I had only been collecting the scriptures that were fluffy or said something about God loving ME. I avoided all the scriptures that commanded or expected something of me. Why is that? Am I afraid of what God commands or expects of me? Am I trying to avoid it? Why would those women post scriptures like that? Then I thought some more. To these ladies, I'm sure that these scriptures weren’t casting heavy weights upon their hearts like they were for me, but to them, wings of freedom. Why do I avoid the responsibility of those verses? Or at least, why did I have a sudden sting of anxiety when seeing them again? It hadn't been too long since I had last seen them. After all, I am a Daughter of the Most High God. It is my duty and privilege to accompany Him in this Life by making Jesus visible for others. It is my job of giving the Word breath through my life, my life living in sweet surrender. Does this all sound churchy enough now?

I guess I just want to know why we avoid God. I'm sure I'm not the only one. It is more than conviction. I can't really put my finger on it. It's why we put off quiet time because of anxiety. Why we don’t attend special services at church or extra Bible studies or just be with God more. Please, don’t say time. Time’s a wasting. Time flies by. There isn’t enough time. I have tried making time.

I’ve heard it all and I’ve helped justify myself by using those comments. Why can’t we just bring ourselves to God? What are we afraid of? What am I afraid of?

Just some thoughts...

Clay that needs to Return

2009-10-31T20:57:00.000-07:00

I recently visited a good friend to plan for a purity retreat that I will be speaking at in January. On my way, I began to hear a soft clicking noise come from my engine. I had heard it that morning on my way to school, but now the noise was getting louder. I called my dad about it and described the issue. I got easily offended as he was trying to help. My pride got the better of me. Because I don't like the fact that I don't know anything about cars, I got mad at him and tried to cover it up with snooty comments, trying to prove I wasn't ignorant. It didn't help that it was pouring rain either. ARG. How dumb, right? I think that same tendancy happens with sports. All of my cousins are really into sports, and my interest hasn't ever been that huge. Sure, I enjoy a game, but I don't know all the players, their names, and their favorite brand of toothpaste like my cousins do (they're great). So, there again, I feel like I need to either compensate and act like I do know what I am talking about, or just say nothing. It's that pride and insecurity that seems to come back up again. I am confident about this thought: I am not taking steps back, but forward. This is just the next step.

So, my story doesn't end there. By the time I finally got my car back on the road, I was tired, soaked, and mad. I just cried. I was frustrated with myself. It seemed as if that took that cake. It was like all of the other frustrations I had about myself came down. I knew I was wrong and had talked to my dad wrongly. I called him and apologized, but afterwords, I just got so upset with myself. My lack of discipline, my lack of this and that. I called my friend, let her know I'd be late, and arrived later still annoyed with myself. She knew that I was upset and had been praying for me. Then God spoke.

Beth shared a few verses from Jeremiah. God had spoke to her while she was praying for me and the verses he sent surprised her. I've been reading Jeremiah, too, lately, and it seems like it is all doom and gloom, death and destruction. However, these few verses that God had sent talked about however long the law will last, that is how long His love with last.

I won't ever not need Him, and I know that. But, I need to Return to Him once again, seeking more than just change in myself. Do I really believe that it is His character I need to have faith in? He will change me. He will. The woman who hemorraged for 12 long years was finally healed because she pursued Jesus, touching him with her faith.

Redemption: A Reason to Stick Around

2009-10-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

This past Friday, I had a seminar on IWU's campus for student teachers, so I thought that I would make a weekend out of it and visit some friends while I was there. I also kept in mind that I had portfolio work to complete, so I kept a lot of Saturday for that. While there, I met with two professors and I shared China and my experiences over the last few months. Both had similar reactions and responses to my experiences: redemption. Dr. Dave Smith, my inductive Bible study professor, talked about the verse (among others) from Philippians 3:9-11, "and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Phew. Can I really pray that and mean it? He shared with me about a Bible college where there is a class that is called, "Theology of Suffering". He looked at me and said, "Out of all the 30 credits they are required to take, I can't believe that they only have one class that addresses suffering. That needs to be in EVERY class" (I am paraphrasing). Why are we so surprised by suffering? It looks different in every case and it may not mean a life-threatening force coming against us -- but in many ways it is a "life-in-Christ" threatening force that comes against us. These past months I have questioned God. "Why did you let this happen?" Would His answer lessen the pain? "Why couldn't I have learned this in a different context? Why did it have to happen at the apex of my college career -- and why did it have to be so public??" God has been patient with me. I don't know the answers still. I have seen many good things come out of it, but my heart has still asked those all to familiar questions. Finally, Dr. Dave said, "Do you really want to know Christ?" I felt that it was a defining moment for me. Do I? Do I really? Out of all the things he shared with me, he mentioned that he was waiting for the day when I will email him, telling him that I have finally thanked God for allowing this to happen. Through tears, I admitted that I haven't been able to do that yet. It still hurts so much, it is still fresh. He knew the meaning of this and gracefully encouraged me that it WOULD happen. And He would wait for that message from me.

Saturday, I met with Prof. Bruehler to discuss my portfolio and some students that I needed new ideas for. We talked about much more than I thought we would. In my mind, I knew I needed to just stick with business, even though I wanted to share my heart. On thursday night, I bumped into her at McConn Coffee, our school's coffee shop. I didn't expect it. It was really good to connect with her though. I had wondered this summer what I would say to my professors when I saw them this fall. It was so natural though. She invited me to our TESOL dinner on Sunday and told me it was good to see me. We chatted about things with no relevance and it was good. On Saturday, we talked business, but I knew she would want to know more about how I was doing. I told her this experience has been so different than this Spring -- and she asked why. I didn't give her all the reasons, but there are so many! I wish I could list them! Most importantly -- and this has been the most important difference -- I have walked into this experience so much more confident than I was this Spring. In my heart, I still question if it was really worth it -- why did I have to learn confidence through such a tough experience? Anyway, I shared with her what I've learned. It was really good to get non-judgmental feedback. She was really encouraging, and shared that God wants to redeem all crappy situations. Redeem. That word again. She shared experiences that were similar to mine. She then shared how the most important reason she "sticks around" is because of that redemptive grace God offers. People relate to failure, pain, heartache, everyday crap. Not perfection. We need our situations redeemed, and that is what the heart of the gospel is! I shared with Dr. Dave that I couldn't understand how I shared the gospel as much as I did this summer. It BLEW my mind! He smiled and said, "Maybe it wasn't that you were sharing the gospel more, but you were sharing more of yourself -- which has been redeemed by the power of the gospel" -- AND that is what people -- what those girls related to! I shared how I was a teenage screwup and how my life IS NOT perfect. AND they GOT IT. That's what Jesus did in my life this summer! As I realized this in our conversation (and even now as I write this!) -- it all seemed to click. Wow.

Something I realized while talking with Prof. Bruehler was that healing from a situation is so much harder when I don't admit my faults, too. I had been so focused on all the hurtful things that they had said, the fact that they were my trusted profs. and they had accused me of things I didn't even do, and the fact that China was ruined because of them. However, I had faults, too. I could have done a much better job than I did. Even though I completed most of my course work and teaching in good standing, I was so immature. I was so insecure. I gave a voice to my fears and that became reason. Man, why do I have to be such a late bloomer in that aspect of life? One of my cooperating teachers made this statement this spring and I now agree with it: "You are so worried about not doing well or not doing everything perfectly, that you are affecting your own performance." Others said, "Relax! Be confident in yourself." (easier said than done, I know.)With all of my work in the past, I don't think I ever had to really worry. It came fairly easy to me and I had peers to consult and relate with in course work. Now, however, on my own --the stakes were higher and I wasn't sure I could do it -- so I freaked out a little. Its amazing what a little insecurity can do to your recipe for success. Yet, God can redeem all of this. And He is. And He will continue to do so.

God, redeem these memories! Redeem what happened! Redeem it -- make all of that toil and heartache worthwhile someday!

So, here I am. It is October and I am a different person. It doesn't seem like I am changing from glory to glory, but I know I am being refined. It still hurts, but pain comes with the territory - or so I have heard and am learning. Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter.

Reluctant Clay, Redemptive Potter

2009-09-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

So yes, now it has been about 4 months and I have not posted in a while. To be perfectly honest, its been a tough year. My last post regarded a very abridged slice of all the things that went on through my mind regarding China -- very, very abridged. This summer was one of the toughest. Having left school unnaturally by not passing student teaching or graduating, I might add, it was difficult not to hang my head in shame, and wonder what was happening and why God was allowing it (with no answers). I went back home and worked for another summer at a juvenile facility, which I have truly learned to love.

It was a hard summer for a few reasons, and I will try to share this with as much clarity as I can. I left school, having been told by three professors that I was emotionally unstable and professionally inept. PHEW. It didn't make sense to me either. How does one take that?? I didn't know how to take it and felt completely misunderstood. I remember that their culminating opinion (and I wrote it down) was that "Mary Sue, it's not your teaching or your ability to write lesson plans or your love of kids. Its that we don't think you are emotinally or professionally ready." I didn't even know they could do that! I was totally blown away - I had never had a bad relationship with a professor or teacher. I am pretty sure that I was depressed this summer because of it. These statements were taken from a few situations and blow way out of proportion. They didn't even know the full story from any situation they addressed. All the while that events were shaping the course of my student teaching experiences, I was keeping them updated, along with family and close friends -- and they were all a buzz trying to figure out why my professors were making the claims that they did, too. So, I went home with a huge hole cute out of my head and heart, trying to weed out the truthful things they did say and the false things that their impressions lead them to believe. I felt terrible because every day it was like I started at square one again - never really getting anywhere. Nothing made sense. And, my parents were the first to hear of it all, every day. They bore much with patience and love. I owe them a great deal. I owe others a great deal, too. The weekend I was to graduate, some very dear family friends came to visit us and they told me it was my day and we could go and do anything that I wanted to do. Ha. What is there to do in MI? But, I appreciated the sentiment. We camped out in the living room with a movie and pizza that night. Others from church offered their sympathies and bemusements, as I tried to explain the situations and the various accompanying reactions.

All summer, I struggled with purpose. What did God have for me now? I had planned on retaking student teaching, but was I really supposed to? I had never failed a class in my life (not that I couldn't have - by God's grace, I did well). How do you go back and fix and re-learn what you thought you knew? How do you battle the bitterness derived from ignorant people who didn't have to pay the cost of returning for yet another semester? ARG. It makes me angry thinking about it. What will I say when I see those professors again? I have nothing to say to them. I want to react well, but how?

A most ironic part of my summer, being so down in the dumps and feeling purposeless was my job at the youth home. I have NEVER shared the Gospel MORE than I did this summer. I was placed on a Sunday schedule, and literally attended church with my family twice the entire summer. I had never worked Sundays before and my parents had always raised us to live so. However, this job is kind of like a hospital. You cannot just lock them up, turn off the lights, and return at 8 a.m. So, I took the Sunday schedule. It was AMAZING. God fueled my time with the ladies there and because it was a consistent schedule, I was able to do so much and they were enabled to prepare themselves for my shift. God fueled my time with a few really great things. First of all, He gave me this awesome vision of teaching these girls life skills, self confidence, and the Bible. So, as He inspired lessons and activities, I wrote and taught them. It was so great! I grew to anticipate my Sunday shift with them. I was able to lead two girls to Christ, who are both recovering drug addicts (PRAISE GOD!) and able to teach various aspects of Biblical culture (what I learned and knew I taught them). MAN, it was just the coolest thing. I love those girls.

So, you might imagine my slight confusion at the success of teaching there and the train wreck I was in the previous months. I can hardly explain it. Now when I look back -- and this is such a HUGE understatement -- my teaching experience this fall and this spring is night and day difference. It is, so much so, that I really feel like there was a greater power at work. I don't why it happened. I know I have changed and grown up a lot from it. I am still bitter towards my professors when I think about it (which you can pray for me about!). If only they knew me, knew my experience at the youth home, knew that I was not at all what they thought -- that their few short impressions were not at all truth. Man.

SO NOW, here is my major update. I am student teaching again and this time -- it has been completely different. It is absolutely amazing! This was the semester I had hoped for last semester, the experiences that I desired with students. I am not kidding! I just stand back and my jaw inwardly drops at times. I have a wonderful supervising teacher, two new professors (who are my advisors; I do not have the ones I had last semester), and I have begun this semester so much more confident and ready for the tasks that I know lay ahead. I praise God, for He is my strength and provision! Also, He provided a place for me to stay, with my cousin Lara, only 10 minutes away from my schools. Crazy, right?!

From all of this, I have learned some really important lessons and am continuing to learn them.

I have learned that:

When I give voice to my insecurities or fears, they wrap around me and choke out any confidence that I might have. When I start voicing my fears as if they are reality, then I give them the freedom to linger longer.
I can only do my best for this day. This day He has given to me. I will rejoice in it.
Not every claim made against you is valid, even when the claims are made by trusted advisors.
God knows, He loves, He cares. He knew I needed to go through this tough time. He knew I needed to be challenged. It hurt a lot. I wish I could be totally humble in this situation, yet I still feel like it was not all my doing. Circumstances were incredibly odd.
I cannot push my will onto God. I dreamt about China for four years, and was convinced in many ways that was where I was supposed to be. Deep down, there were areas that were not so sure, outside of the normal curiosities or questions.
Hiccups aren't necessarily just tests that God wants you to push through to build your faith (although He does use them for that, too). They can also be ways that God communicates a need for change in direction. There were many, many hiccups before China. MANY. All the while, I just thought that God wanted me to push through them and I voiced my dedication to this trip and His "calling" more than to my relationship with Him. Man, it stinks to be wrong with something like that.

For now, I am trying to learn to rest back in the Potter's Hands. This post only scratches the surface of what I have learned and what I am learning. I am learning to trust God again. I am learning to just have faith -- which sometimes you have to struggle without it to understand how awesome God is when you do have it. I am learning step by step, and consider myself a spiritual baby again, in some ways. I do need my Father.

Pray that God would help me to be faithful to Him on a daily basis. I need Him more than I need any job or friendship or just anything.

I may not understand why all of this had to happen, but in the end, I will be refined clay. I just know it.

It's Not About Me

2009-04-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

My time spent in China was not at all what I had expected. I walked on the plane with stars in my eyes - and glided through the school building with a glossy dreamy look pasted on my face. I was in China -- how wonderful!, I thought.

HOWEVER, during the course of my time there, logistical details were likened to that of a box full of unruly electrical wires...And, I got shocked. My placement was switched due to professional issues...and upon my return to the States...the placement was not accepted as an authentic ESL classroom.

Devastation surfaced like hot lava. I had never been more disappointed or hurt than I was. The fabric of who I was seemed to split down the seams -- threads snapping and fish-tailing away. What was I to do? I was given two options: graduate and be blacklisted or repeat student teaching in the fall. YIKES. Ouch. Ahhhh, man. Really? Are you serious? ARG. You have got to be kidding. Are you serious? What?! Yes, the variety of emotions and exclamatory phrases raced through my mind like an unhinged vehicle whose wheels were about to roll off sending it fire-balling off a cliff.

I don't know how I made the decision. Well, yes I do. God had to have been speaking through me. I don't know how - but I finally made a decision and made the trek to my professor's office. Sitting down, I shared my decision with her.

I will be repeating student teaching.

AHHHH.

Frustration to the MAX. How can this happen?, I thought to myself.

But then peace. I am so proud of you. My professor said to me. Was she speaking for Someone Greater than the both of us? As I write now...I realize that...maybe?

Tough

2009-01-30T21:28:00.000-08:00

Life has been really tough lately, but someone told me today that the situations I am going through are evidence of God's love. I know that she was right, but why does God's love hurt so much right now? I know that those words are said from my eyes being found on the problem, not on the big picture of what God can do.

You see, I can be very insecure. I don't know where all of these insecurities began to root, but they have taken an interesting growth channel - and woven themselves into my life in various areas. I have been left humbled now, and so unable to do anything about what happened. I hate learning these lessons when I am in the midst of them. Yesterday, I was actually praising God for the situation, today -- that was definitely a test. I don't even know how to pray -- nothing seems to touch His Spirit or get above my ceiling.

My insecurities have spread and influenced other areas of my life other than my personal life. When it was just my personal life, I could handle it. It only affected me. Now, I had to learn things the hard way and things could be worse than I am thinking, or better than what I am thinking -- I just hate being in limbo. Again, I don't even know how to pray.

To those of you who browse my blog once in a while, I know this all must sound so vague. Please, just pray for me. God has the answers, I need to wait on Him, trust Him. Tonight as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I just pleaded with God - "God, I've never been through anything like this before -- You've gotta help me trust in you. God, please"

God - You are so much bigger than all of this -- all of my concerns and the issues that I think are so huge. You see way beyond my situations and each day until I graduate. Please, help me to desire you and your will above myself and my will. Help me to surrender this to you. Your Word promises me that you daily bear my burdens. God -- help me to choose to give them to you.

Help me to see your face in this situation. Please, I just need to see your face, God.

My CRAZY Roommates...

2008-10-06T15:22:00.001-07:00

The Ladies of 416...

Ali, Mindy, Jamie, Nicole, Mary Sue, & Melissa

One of my favorites...

Us girls...

Our Album cover...hehe

Mindy and Me

Surrender.

2008-10-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

This week in Inductive Bible Study, we have been plunging into Ephesians 5- and I feel as if I am an envrionmentalist in some ways. I am digging through, trying to get to the root of Paul's mind....What was he envisioning? What brought about this fantastic imagery of Christ giving up Himself for the Church, His bride, and then cleansing her "so that He could present Her to Himself"...pure, blameless, holy. That phrase sticks out to me -- He cleansed her to present her to himself -- not to the world or anything else - but to himself. And He gave himself up for her...

My mind has been flooded with tons of different questions in my observations. We haven't gotten to interpretation or application yet in the class...our professor just wants us to make clear, thought-out observations. How is possible that the Church is both His bride and His body - and because it is his body, he takes care of it and nourishes it...WOW.

What woman in her right mind wouldn't want to submit to a man who gave himself up for her?

These past few weeks at school have been rough. I didn't think change really affected me too terribly until I started going through it and analyzing it for myself. Does anyone else share in this? At times I feel like there might be something wrong with me. Why can't I just move on?, I think to myself. And, after all of this...I am left with a bunch of unanswered questions and unanswered thoughts and feelings. I am left dangling on the line like a wet pair of socks...

...and I have come to understand that I just need to surrender.

Why do I cling so hard? Why won't my pride just disappear so that I can trust and not worry about tomorrow or even tonight?

"My child, give Me your heart, for out of it issues life. My hand is upon you, and I will keep you in all places wherever you go. I am your God, and I am your Father, and I will care for you and provide for you according to all that you need. I will be at your side, ready to help you whenever you call on Me. I am not unmindful of your needs, and My concern is for you. You do not need to carry your own load, for I will be happy to help you carry it and to bear you up as well. You do not walk alone or meet any situation alone, for I am with you, and I will give you wisdom and strength, and My blessing shall be yours. Keep your heart set on Me and your affections on things above; for I cannot bless you unless you ask Me. And I cannot answer if you do not call. I cannot minister to you unless you come to Me.

Do not wait to feel worthy, for no one is worthy of My blessings. My grace bypasses your shortcomings, and I give to My children because they ask of Me and because I love them. I do not love one more than another. I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me, for I love to have you depend on Me. This is why the Spirit within you cries, “Abba—Father.” As your Father, I anticipate your dependence on Me. You may mature and outgrow your dependence on your human parents, but as My child, you will never “outgrow” your spiritual sonship, nor will I ever cast you out to rely on your own resources, not even when you become a parent. Indeed, then you will more fully appreciate My feelings toward you. You will then understand the love a father has for his child, and experience the desire to care for and provide; then you will know more fully how much I love you, how ready I am to help you, and how available I am to counsel with you and give you My support.

Heaven's resources are at your command, and you need never want, so long as 1 am your Shepherd. Do not think that since I know all about you, you need not bother to tell Me. It is true that I know, but you need to tell Me so that in the telling, you may experience the release of an open heart, and the fellowship of a Friend.

As you open your heart to Me, I will come to you. As you speak to Me, I will speak to you. As you reveal yourself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to bring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.

Never presume My presence. Never assume that knowing your need, I will automatically supply Ask, and it shall be given. Call upon Me, and I will answer you. Tell Me that you love Me, and I will make your heart know in a very real way My love for you and My nearness, and you shall never feel alone.

Welcome Me into your heart, and the more you sense My presence within you, the more you will feel at home no matter where you may be. Forget anything else, but never forget this."

Frances J. Roberts, Come Away My Beloved

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christlives in me; and the life which I now live in the fleshI live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20, also written by Paul)

Loneliness in the Crowd

2008-09-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have entered a new season in life - one that requires more trust, more reliance, and more faith in His truth to carry me. I remember his words to me during practicum last year after one of my lessons flopped: "I will carry you." Jesus, I need to hear that again.

While living on a beautiful campus, in the midst of a thriving metropolis of young people - searching and seeking that which satisfies - God or the World - I feel lonely in the midst of the crowds. No one understands the deepths of what I say or feel. No one understands why my heart is ensconced with trouble at different things I sense in the Spirit. I am reminded that the Father was Jesus' only source. From him and the Holy Spirit, he had to teach what God taught him - not what he thought up and then had a friend confirm his faith on -- and the wellspring of life flowed freely through him -- where as I must do the same and cannot rely on those around me to help cover the questions and wounds I bear with their full, but shallow laughter. I can't rely on anyone just now because no one is that close anymore. They are gone. I must rely on the Lord for my confidence and faith in the convictions he has placed before my heart.

There is an unsettling thought that this hunger for community that I am without now - might be turned to thoughts of marriage or dating - when they really should be for the Lord. "I pray that they would be one, as we are one, Father."

That, in a nutshell is my heart tonight. I hunger and thirst for more, but it is hard when no one around you is spuring you on and encouraging you to go deeper. I cry as I think about and write these words. God, I desire more. What if the community around me doesn't? What if this happens when I go to China, as I suspect it will? What if my dad isn't just a phone call away? What if I continue to find myself sitting in empty apartments without fellowship with others who deeply desire God?

I need to take a deep breath and search for the vision God would give me. I need to step back and refocus. I need to seek the Lord on this very thing.

Playing teacher...

2008-08-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

Today was my very first day of student-teaching. I will do a week now at the beginning of the year (as required by IWU) and then do my official placements in January 2009.

The opening conference for all of the schools in the district was very inspiring - in fact, I was so proud to be counted among them. I was reminded of why passion floods my heart when I think of having students, teaching lessons, and mentoring.

There will be lots to do this week. We are hoping that all of the ELP (English Language Proficiency) tests come in so that we can begin to put lessons and activities together. Again, there is the temptation to get annoyed with all of the standardized testing. These kids are not treated justly. Think about this: how easily would you survive if you had to move to another country with your parents when you were younger and they enrolled you into public schools. The school officials expect you to then take a standardized test and achieve the average scores of a native speaker. Stressful? And that isn't even the half of it. What about your parents trying to find work with their limited skills in that country's primary language? Body language can go far, but so can confusion!

So, I am trying to keep a positive chin up.

There were other interesting points today, too. We had a meeting for our building where I met a lot of the teachers. The principle lead a discussion about the new school year, which was really great, too. Lots of food for thought.

In the midst of all these teachers - those who had gone before me and completed the intense requirements of student-teaching - I felt comfortable for a little while. We were at a meeting and someone asked me a question. I answered it plainly, from the perspective of a student-teacher. Afterwords, I felt like such a little girl trying to play teacher. It was like that shyness I had in grade school woke up from a long slumber, stretched its arms, and laid them over my shoulders. I felt it's arms cling to me as I walked past the teachers, my eyes meeting theirs with a smile. I wasn't ashamed, and the teachers knew that I was a novice to all of this. I just felt plain silly though. I thought, 'is this really me?'

The teachers were encouraging - as much as they could be in our limited interaction - and my co-op teacher was wonderful. She was so encouraging. She reminded me to stop looking at the big picture for now - just worry about one thing at a time, one day at a time. She said that there was no mistake big enough that I could make that would mess everything up and that would cause me to fail. That was encouraging.

Still, I find myself wondering if I can really do it. I wonder, seriously - if this is where God wants me. I see my weaknesses and know that I will not be everything to everyone (which I couldn't be anyway, that is God). God reminded me as we were driving today that He works in my weaknesses. There -in the middle of my weaknesses - He shows His strength. I am trusting in this. I just felt like God was asking me all day if I trusted Him. I have been worrying about gas money this week because of driving about an hour to 75 minutes a day. Everytime I looked to the gas gage, He said - "Do you trust me?" - As the tick kept going down slowly, I have had to look away, concentrate on driving (hehe, thats a good idea, right?) and choose to trust in His provision. God IS my provider, He IS my sustainer.

I am also in the midst of trying to finish my sponsor letters for you all! I hope that I will be able to get them out soon. Please be in prayer for China and for my trip. Pray that God would burden people's hearts for the trip and that would drive them to an altar of prayer. Please pray that He would provide the finances through His people.

I think that is all the reflections I have for now...gee, its nice to be back at IWU (even if it is for a week) and have the internet!

Ciao.

Wedding Madness!

2008-06-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

This is the summer of weddings, for sure! The first wedding, Dena & David's was really fun and wasn't stressful. Now, only four days from my roomie's wedding - Beth's - and things are nuts! First problem - my phone company didn't receive my family's phone bill and since I am still on my parents plan, they shut off our phones - ERG! I am also working nights this week, so I am coming home in the morning and trying to sleep for a while and then trying to finish plans with the bachelorette party and finish writing the toast that I have to give on satuday...

Its a fun kinda madness.

Long time, no scribbles...

2008-06-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

So, its been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened. It really has been good to be home, although I think I should have taken a job in IN for the summer. Picking up hours at work hasn't been what I thought it would be and I could kick myself for the other job offers this summer that I didn't take! Oh well. The Lord knew what would happen and He has sustained me. There has been pressure to work as much as I can because of China coming up. I am trying to save as much as possible before I send prayer letters out, so I get stressed when my hours at work get cut. Today, the Lord helped me to just stop fretting and trust. I can be a very analytical person at times - I try to understand all the details and predict God's next move - but God speaks to us with such love and firmness - to trust in HIM with all of our hearts and not our own understanding...I praise the Lord for bringing me away from the mulberry bush of my own reasoning that I love to run around from time to time.

Time with my family this summer has been really good - we are all growing up and that makes things easier in some ways. It hit me at times before, but I never realized how beautiful my sisters really are. Kristen just graduated and I cannot tell you how proud I was of her! She and my dad both gave a speech at the ceremony - and I was brought to tears. Family time has been great, too. My prayers have been centered around them a lot lately - Kristen and Kayla, mostly. I desire them to love Jesus with all of their hearts, beyond any other aspiration. Please join me in prayer for them.

Mom and Dad celebrated their 27 Wedding Anniversary on friday! Can you believe it?! The funny thing is...usually guys forget stuff like that...but no! This year, mom completely forgot about it! Dad showed up at home with flowers and she was so surprised! Way to go, Dad! I'm so proud of him...hehe...

My plans for the rest of the summer remain as follows: be Beth's maid of honor on saturday (YAY!), continue to work at MRYH (a youth detention home), save more money for China, buy a laptop, find a family to live with in Kokomo (for the first portion of my student teaching), and hang out with friends and family as much as I can. Ooo, and get some new workout videos.

Lotsa love.

Back in the Glove...

2008-04-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I have made it safely back to MI and I've been wading through my bedroom-- I haven't quite got everything in its place. There are boxes and containers and stuff that needs to be tossed...for the last few nights I had been sleeping on our couch...and finally - I was able to clear away the stuff on my bed and sleep well! And...I must say...I really enjoyed the blessing of having a bed of clean sheets and new comfy padding below...thanks to Mom.

As much as I love adventure, the segues that lead to change do have interesting affects on me. Already, it has been nice to be reminded that God's love embodies the blessings He sends. There are certain things that comfort me at home - laughing and being goofy while watching movies with my sisters, taking long drives with Dad, being goofy with Mom - and the conversations that surround those things. But, when you are living with others, you get the good, the bad, and the ugly. Although this sounds so juvenille and naive, living life with people can get messy.

I hadn't anticipated the change it would be- at least the emotions that it would bring to move home again. With finals that kept me busy, I hadn't taken the time to mentally prepare to live at home again. It is an adjustment - and at times - I would like to be finished here in MI. However, God is teaching me to be thankful in all things. So, I am drawing on His power and strength. I want to live victoriously no matter where I am - I do not want to have a "form of godliness" - I want to live in the grace that God provides daily, along with His mercies that are new each morning.

Giving Thanks...

2008-04-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

~the weather was wonderful today! It was at least 75 degrees out and there was a lovely breeze!
~God's goodness during this last week. I get to spend this weekend with Christina, and today Dena and I had a chance to be goofy together in the midst of crazy finals.
~My finals were finished yesterday, and I just have to finish the details of a paper and binder and turn them in tomorrow. Yay! What a great feeling it is to be done! It feels so weird to not have any pressing - and I mean PRESSING - responsibilities. Today was a day of odds and ends and I felt like I could really and truly relax!
~School has been wonderful this year - ahh...so many great memories! so many great times of victory! so many times that tried the soul, but valuable lessons that were learned. Its been good and thats all there is to it!
~I get to stay for graduation! I was praying and hoping that I would - and it just so happens that I am able! Yay! Christina and I are going to spend the night with some of our friends and then leave after graduation on saturday. Relaxing with a kindred spirit sounds great!
~I get to read for fun this summer!
~God's peace has truly been with me in regards to everything changing today. I am thankful and I want to continue to be thankful for His grace and blessings to me over the past four years. He really is so good - in the midst of it all. He is my God, He has created all things, He allows seasons in our life to come and go. I pray that I will be found praising Him - regardless of the good or bad.
~My emotions have stabilized...for now. :) hehehe....

2008-04-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

"God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supplies."

J. Hudson Taylor

Earthquake!!!

2008-04-18T09:33:00.001-07:00

This morning, I awoke half-conciously to an earthquake! It had hit in West-Salem, Illinois and all around - we felt the aftershock (along the Wabash Valley Fault Zone)! It was reported that people in the loop in Chicago felt it and even a building in Louisville was damaged because of it. Crazy! I have never been in an earthquake!

I thought it was a dream - so I went back to sleep thinking it was nothing. Then, I got up and checked statuses on facebook - people left comments like "felt the quake at 5:30", etc. Then, I went to the student center and heard people talking about it, too! It was real! Wow! People in CA would be laughing at me, but hey! I survived my first quake! Yippie!

So, finals are next week. Dad reminded me last night on the phone to praise Him for everything - to be thankful in "all things." So, although my best friends are graduating and I will be a fifth year, I am thankful -- so thankful-- for the time we were allowed to have. It has truly changed my life. They are my best friends - my kindred spirits - my sisters. I am thankful, because God has used them greatly in my life.

And, I need to be thankful for my work load. God has allowed me to study - something I LOVE - and even though I can get really overwhelmed at the stuff left to do, God will enable me to accomplish it. And for those things, I will praise Him, because I know that I cannot do them on my own. I am thankful for the last two papers, notebook, and two tests I have to study for and complete. I am thankful - because He has allowed all of it. Thank-you, Father.

Take up the shield of Faith and Fix your eyes on Jesus - the author and perfecter of our Faith - He will not let us down.

CHINA IS OFFICIAL!

2008-04-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

So, I got the official word that I am moving to China for two months to complete my student teaching! I cannot tell you how excited I am. I have been waiting for those words of confirmation for so long! Finally, when they arrived -- ahhhh!!! I think I jumped three feet in the air at the email I received confirming everything! So now the long process of preparing will take place - but I am so excited. I am thrilled to prepare - to read, to learn, to save -- yay!

Already, it has been so neat to see how God is preparing me. Earlier this semester, God put it on my heart to speak to my church about what He has done and what He is doing. A few days ago (last week, I think), I just got so excited as I was journaling - I began to practice what I would say! It is such a testimony that God's presence is all-encompassing. He is before me, beside me, above me, behind me, in me - for it is God who works in me "both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:13). I will be in Tianjin, China - which is southeast of Beijing on the coast, a train ride away. I am preparing myself to go alone - I don't think I will have any roommates from school that will be placed in the same town. I will probably have other Christian roommates...but only God knows.

This is real! It is going to happen! I am seeing this bud of a dream start to open up and blossom! At first, it was this vast country - China. Now, it is an international Christian school in Tianjin. I now know how to pray specifically and who to pray for. I have the names of my co-op teachers and principal. I am excited and a little nervous (even though it is months away). Ahh! The excitement and reality that it will be a job, not just a trip - is also rising. I am excited to meet my students and to learn about their culture and to see God in a different place.

Praise God with me, today. Praise God with me, today!

Giving Thanks...

2008-04-05T13:46:00.001-07:00

~the SUN is shining today! We have our apartment windows opened and it is beautiful!
~a wonderful night of rest...*sighs*
~time to get things done!
~God's presence - I rest in the fact that I only have to live for right now, rely on His grace for me right now, love people right now. Looking into the future can be so overwhelming and distracting - the enemy has used it to steal my joy and peace. Don't let him! You have enough grace for today! My friend, Sara, posted on her blog "Every now and again I feel like I am living in limbo, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what I should be doing. I know that I'm not actually living in limbo, I'm actually living by Faith. Because I know that Jesus is the Lord of my life, I know that my life and circumstances are all in His hands and plans. I do not need to worry about what's happening tomorrow. I just need to focus on what's happening today. Hebrews 11:1 Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. I am certain that God is in control right now, even through I feel like I have no clue about what's happening around me.Tonight I was having coffee with a good friend who reminded me to live with the eyes of faith. Live as though Christ is going to intervene and make a way. She reminded me about Moses as he was called upon to lead the Israelites. Little did she know that God has spoken to me in so many ways through the life of Moses. I am also reminded of Peter, who had to step by faith as he stepped out of the boat, onto the water, towards Jesus. Right now I must keep stepping toward Jesus one day at a time. Each step by faith, knowing that He is who He says He is, I am who He says I am, He can do what He says He can do, I can do all things through Christ, and His Word is alive and active in me. I need to get back out of the boat again and try out my sea legs a bit more." That was so encouraging to me...I just need to rely on God's goodness for today.
~the SUN is shining!!! YAY!!

Hosanna

2008-04-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

Verse 1
I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Verse 2
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Savior King

2008-04-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Verse 1
And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is ? and I'm more blessed

Pre-chorus
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

Chorus
We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Verse 2
Let now your church shine as the bride
That you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

Ending
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

I Want to Do a Beautiful Work

2008-03-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

"He is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name." Acts 9:15

You are Mine. You are not your own. With a great price I have purchased you for Myself. I am not dismayed that you do not comprehend, but I say that if you will listen to Me, I will reveal to you more fully so that you may know more clearly how vital you are to My purpose. There is work to be done, and I need you as a vessel through which to work. Not a vassal, but a vessel. I want to do a beautiful work.

I need an individual to use who is not only available and suitable, but who loves Me in such a way as to enhance My creation. I desire not the kind of loyalty a soldier gives to his country, but a dedicated devotion of the type of love a mother feels toward her unborn child.

There will be inconveniences to be borne, self-pleasing to be laid aside, sacrifices and pain-but what a blessed reward I have in store! Yes, in store for you, if you are able to let Me use you the way I desire.

You are not unworthy; you are not unprepared. You have no reason to hold back unless your love for Me is too small. If this is the only hindrance, draw closer to Me, and I will pour My love out upon you so that your affection for Me may be deepened and perfected. Lo, I wait for you. Come to Me.

Frances J. Roberts - "Come Away My Beloved"

Make Over Pour Moi

2008-03-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

So, here is a fun waste of time!

Which goofy hairstyle looks the best? Don't worry - I am keeping my long hair - this is just for fun!

2008-03-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Joshua 24:15
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Psalm 25:12
What man is he that feareth the LORD? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose.

Psalm 65:4
Blessed is the man You choose,
And cause to approach You,
That he may dwell in Your courts.
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Of Your holy temple.

Savory Oreo Truffles...

2008-02-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Ingredients

45 Oreo cookies , divided (1 package)
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese , softened
2 (8 ounce) packages semisweet baking chocolate , melted

Directions

1. Crush 9 of the cookies to fine crumbs in a food processor; reserve for later use. (This can also be done in a resealable bag with a rolling pin.).

2. Crush the remaining 36 cookies to fine crumbs and place in a medium bowl.

3. Add the cream cheese and mix until well blended.

4. Roll cookie mixture into 42 balls, about 1" in diameter.

5. Dip the balls in the melted chocolate and place them on

a wax paper covered baking sheet.

(Any left over chocolate can be stored at room temperature for another use.).

6. Sprinkle the tops of the truffles with the reserved cookie crumbs.

7. Refrigerate until firm, about 1 hour.

8. Store leftover truffles, covered, in the refrigerator.

9. Eat to your heart's delight.

And think of me - I gave up sweets for lent this year!

Ahhh...the joy of friendship...

2008-02-24T09:58:00.001-08:00

Those cookies were excellent! Mmmm!

Enjoying each other's company...

Dena, Mary Sue, Beth, & Christina

Yep, its true. These girls are my best friends and they truly exemplify the body of Christ. Living with these women has taught me a great deal about what loving God means, the power of prayer, and what my job is as a daughter of the King. They have stood with me through the thick and thin - through victories and heart aches, through mistakes and goofiness. Together, we are the body of Christ - His bride - and what a priviledge it has been. As we continue on in life seeking God's will and His heart, I don't think any of us will forget our friendship or the growth that has taken place in each of us over the past four years. Although very different each one of us are, we are all connected by a blood that goes much deeper than that which is vitally supporting our physical bodies. We are connected through our redemption in Christ - and what a beautiful thing that is. It's because of His intentional love and guidance, His sharpening, and His careful watch over each of us.

May we continue to change so that we are mistaken for Jesus.

Shalom, friends and sisters.

And the adventure continues...

2008-02-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

So, I have been documenting on my bedroom door the adventure I am having with God. At the top, I have a card that says, "My adventure with God" and then a corresponding card for every victory and triumph God has brought to bring me closer to China. How exciting it is! To know that I am not only on a physical journey, but a faith journey - that my faith is being deepened and I am learning to trust Him more fully - it is so exciting! Praise Him! He is good!

The last card I posted was "Pre-Interview with Dr. Bassett, ISC" - and next to it is a check mark! The next challenge will be to complete my "disposition" sheet with my practicum supervisor. Pray that I can finish it soon! I have to turn it in ASAP, and they have all been so patient.

The cool thing about this adventure is that I am living a whole other life outside of my China adventure and that ITSELF is an adventure. I am preparing to speak at a purity conference in March. The Lord has asked me to do this, and I really didn't want to at first. There is such joy in obedience though! Although there has been a lot of opposition and attacks from the enemy, God has been stepping in and giving me truth and a gameplan for the direction of my talk. I will be speaking for two sessions and sharing my testimony. I am glad that I am able to do this - I just pray that HE would so heavily lay upon my heart the things that need to be said, as well as continue to manifest Himself to me through His Word - so that when I share, I can share with a humble heart and honest spirit. Many girls are isolated in regards to purity. They've done things or whatnot and it is hard to bear one's soul and tell the truth - for fear of rejection or humiliation. However, I want to share truth with them - and I want to bring to light that when we expose satan's plans to the LIGHT - he has lost his foothold. For where there is LIGHT, no darkness can prevail. I pray that freedom may be found for these women. AHH!! There is such joy in freedom from the past, from sin, from who I thought I was! FREEDOM. Drink it in, brothers and sisters!

STAND FIRM, Handmaiden of God!

2008-02-18T05:22:00.000-08:00

Satan will come and say, "that's a sin, how could you do that?"

Then he will turn around and say,

"it's only a little sin, go ahead, no one's watching."

He discredits God's character in our minds and tries to convince us that it's true - that God is not faithful, not all knowing, not all powerful.

Isolation is Satan's tactic. Cling to the Body.

Any disobedience to the known will of God - sin.

He accuses the brethren. Thats Satan's job.

I want to feel God at all times - like a little toddler that clings to His mother...

...He wants me to walk by faith, trusting that my sins have been forgiven,

regardless of if I feel Him or not.

Satan is the worst travel agent - all of his trips are full of guilt.

He will take you no where heavenbound.

"On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, ALL other ground is sinking sand, ALL other ground is sinking sand."

Regardless of the sin you have been trying to get out of or feel that

you cannot let go of - even after repentance -

LET Christ be your ROCK. CONSCIOUSLY GIVE IT TO HIM.

Give your will to Him.

The Parable of the Lost Son...

2008-02-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

Who are you? The prodigal son? The older brother? The father?

Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' " (Luke 15:11-32)

Today has been a testing day. It's been hard. I have had a hard time forgiving someone and remembering who I am in Him. I read one of my other friend's blogs (Carol Hobbs) - and although she was talking about something different, the truth written there resonated with me and I was able to relate it back to my situation. Here it is:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. . . to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:3-6

I am accepted. I still don't know about the dreams. The desires. The plans. The future. But I am accepted. Jeremiah does quote God as saying, "I know the thoughts that I think toward you. . ." I surely don't know them, but God does. (Check out Jeremiah 29: 10-14 and note all the times God says, "I will. . . ".)

And so, I am comforted today knowing that God knows the thoughts He thinks toward me and to top it all off: I am accepted in the Beloved. That's my Jesus.

Here is the line I especially took courage from...
When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay. On Christ, the solid rock I stand. . . all other ground is sinking sand."

I am a Handmaiden of the King. I am His Flower. I have been grafted in. I am His.

I hope you don't mind that I borrowed this, Carol!

2008-02-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

GUESS WHAT!?!!
I just received an email from Dr. Bassett from ISC (after meeting with him),
and he said he would love to have me come and do my student teaching with them if they can find me a placement!!! Please help me in praising GOD!!!
WOO HOO!!!! YIPPIE!!!

Now, I just have to wait a little while longer to see if I am officially accepted from our education department...

Yay! The adventure continues!

Beloved of Christ...

2008-02-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Today, God has thrilled me with His presence. I love the Body of Christ that surrounds me here at school. How amazing the God is that has brought such awesome brothers and sisters into my life. In edifying the Body through obedience, all for His Glory, we are encouraged and given strength to continue on in this world. Last night, at World Christian Fellowship, or more commonly called WCF, Bob Brock visited from VOM - Voice of the Martyrs - and shared God's vision for us as young people. How awesome God is. In the midst of uncertainty and a future left to be defined by the upcoming days of my life - I stand knowing that He is God and I am not - and all that is - is in His hands. Oh, that I might trust Him with every moment of my day.

God has been teaching me so much. As He continues to tend to the wounds of the past, healing is coming! What was once severed, defective, and damaged - He is restoring! Instead of having a ton of brokeness from the past and all that happened - I have scars - but no open wounds left for satan to pour salt on. Cover me with your hedge, Father! The other night I re-lived the past - the mistakes and hurt. It was about 2 a.m. and I layed in bed weeping. Everyone was sound asleep and there I layed - alone - or so the enemy was trying to convince me of. As I re-lived the hurt and questioned God, He stepped in. "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." (Isaiah 46:4) Praise God! He turned my thinking around! I could have fallen asleep hopeless and seemingly forsaken - but He stepped in and rescued me! He is petitioning on my behalf! He didn't stop with just comforting me and letting me cry out to Him. He began to pour healing waters on my heart once again and spoke - reminding me of who He is and who I am. I am His Flower that has been grafted back in - I am His gem! My heart is just flooded with Him. Praise God! He also gave me visions for the purity retreat that I will be speaking at in March. Pray for it! Pray that God would work wonders! Pray that He would speak through me and would help me to be obedient. Satan is raging war against my heart and mind - pray that God would give me scripture to build a wall around it.

He will not forsake you, dear friends!

Spiritual Warfare...

2008-02-05T22:53:00.000-08:00

Our weapons are not of flesh, but of the Spirit.

God, I pray that you would strengthen me. So many times, I have went out onto the field and have been scared away by the enemy's gruling faces or have not have the strength to hold up my sword and stand firm in Your truth. Or, I fear to confess, given my surrender to the enemy. Forgive me, God! Please, make me a warrior who knows how to do battle. Prepare my feet for the trip, prepare my mind and heart, prepare my hands and eyes. Let me not be taken aback by hidden blows cast by the enemy in the midst of fog. Help me to have clarity. You are not a god of confusion, but a God of truth. War is happening now. In my heart. On this earth. With the body of Christ. Many a fatal blow have wounded Christ's bride. Help me to fight it, God.

A glorious adventure...

2008-01-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

This last week has been wonderful. Not only have I been so encouraged by people that God has placed in my life, but I have been basking in His presence - How Awesome that is!!!

My mind is kinda full right now...ahhh! I will update you all later!

Today's Fun Fact about China: Ice cream was invented in China around 2000BC
when the Chinese packed a soft milk and rice mixture in the snow. (http://www.tooter4kids.com/china/fun_facts_about_china.htm)

Yay!

A sacrifice for testing...

2008-01-16T11:48:00.000-08:00

So, I just want to let everyone out there know that God lives!! These last few days have stood the test and its been really neat to see God work. It has been through the course of quiet realizations of how the Lord is following through with His promises. WOw, is all I can say. So let me explain.

What you may or may not know about me is that I am studying to be a teacher, and I have been for the last few years - 4 in fact. I cannot believe it has been almost 4 years. Anyway, my freshman year, I began to feel a drawing towards China. At the time, I wasn't too concerned with it due to the fact that I hadn't fully figured out what I wanted to teach. As time progressed and the Lord worked out detail by detail - the tugging to teach in China remained steady as ever. This past fall, I applied to student teach in China, hoping that the Lord would confirm this drawing as His calling, not just a desire that I had. Coming back to school, I was excited and nervous to find out whether I had been accepted or not into the cross-cultural student teaching program. Finally, last week I received an email from our education secretary that there was to be a meeting in a week. I RSVPed back and tried to trust the Lord that I was doing what He wanted or that I would at least find out if this was to be God's will for me. Yesterday, I attended the meeting, where I was completely overwhelmed at the amount of responsibility, work, and funds that had to come through to make this possible. I knew it would be expensive and I knew that I would have to work hard - but at the meeting, I was floored at how much more is expected of the pre-service teachers who are hoping to student teach overseas. After leaving the meeting, I prayed that the Lord would speak to me and show me truth in the midst of this confusion and helplessness. As a young student who is putting herself through school, I did not see how this trip would be financially possible. I prayed and had my room mates surround me in prayer, and I layed in bed - tossing and turning - as to what I would do. While trying to conquer a cold and a headache - I wrestled with the answers. What if this wasn't God's will and this drawing was just a desire that I had conjured up myself? Finally, before I fell asleep, I reasoned that I would wait until after I graduated to apply to an international school in China, and I would perform my student teaching somewhere in the states. With this plan, I doubted if I would ever truly make it to China, but I felt an exhausted peace as I drifted off to sleep. I planned on calling my parents the following day - today - to tell them the news and my plans. HEre is the part I get excited about: My Dad was not worried at all. I read through some of the orientation material and explained all the details - and He said with confidence that God can do this! He said He would be praying for me and he reminded me of how faithful God has been in the past. As I went through the budget and specific needs, including a laptop and other things of the sort, we began to get a gameplan for the spring and the summer. This was confirmation to me that I might be able to do this. Last night, I felt that I had to give it up - to sacrifice it for now until I could do it later. Today, I felt like God gave it back to me - wrapped in confidence and hope - that this dream is not just a dream - but maybe a reality. My roommate reminded me of Abraham and Isaac - and I believe that God was testing my motives - to see if I would give up my dream to teach in China.

I still do not know what will happen - if I will go or not - although things are looking up. There are quite a few hurdles I will have to jump first. However, I will trust in the Lord.

Along with the Lord's help, I will pursue what the world would think crazy. By His grace and provision, one year from now, I will be preparing to go to China.

Please pray that through this journey, the Lord would provide not only physical needs, but spiritual wisdom and guidance.

My God is good.

Shiny, Brand New...

2008-01-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

Yay for 2008! We made it through another entire year!

It is so great that we can start fresh - with new goals and dreams in mind.

Here is my New Year's Resolution:

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

(Colossians 3:12-17)

I pray that this year would be wonderful for you.

Remember to give the Spirit control - it is an act of will!

Blessings to you!

Indescribable

2007-12-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea, Creation's revealing Your majesty.

From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring, Every creature unique in the song that it sings.

All exclaiming...Indescribable, Uncontainable,You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.You are amazing God. All powerful, Untameable, Awestruck we fall to our knees and we humbly proclaim,You are amazing, God.

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go,Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light,Yet conceals it to give us the coolness of night?

None can fathom...Incomparable, Unchangeable, You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.You are amazing, God.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oaS96KrQcyw

Lyrics by Chris Tomlin

Way of the Master vs Rational Response

2007-12-02T11:38:00.001-08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tAKEZhjlkxU&feature=related

Relational Ministry vs. Conscience Ministry

2007-12-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=R2VMbgp-ybc

What do you think?

Won't Good, Moral, Ethical People Go to Heaven?

2007-12-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ssm8ykgZuwk&feature=related

Morals cannot be separated from the Lord's teachings.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KIdfJR6VLTY&feature=related

Muddy Truth to some...

2007-12-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Where does fiction leave off and truth begin? Because the very Word of God is a literary work – what will separate truth for people now adays? Kids are taught at very young ages literacy skills and that reading is powerful. You can’t just say that some literature is just literature and some are not. Are certain types of literature merely the “musings of [ ] clever and creative imagination" or works of truth – as defined at its core? It is no doubt that the written word has had an effect on people for thousands of years – whether it be from Plato’s first works to C.S. Lewis’ pennings to Dr. Suess’s wacky take on a fictional world. Is it merely a claim to maturity that some scuff off questionable texts such as “His Dark Materials” and “Harry Potter” – or a cop out of the truth? Or – is the church legalistically overreacting in their take on fictional literature? Who is to say?

I am not lacking in opinion as to these literary works. Let it be known that I have an opinion. It is funny to me how people from either side - religious or non-religious - will open their mouth in response before they have fully evaluated each side. Wouldn't you think that part of loving God means to love Him with your mind, thought processes, intellect, and reasoning? The Bible clearly states to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind..." Shouldn't we use the rationale that God gave us to clearly think through and evaluate that which is good and worthy food for our minds? The Bible also says- "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things." (Phil. 4:8) and it also says, "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world." (1 John 4:1)

Selah.

pieces from my philos. paper

2007-11-28T16:39:00.001-08:00

For true change to occur, I assert that there must be a paradigm shift. As a pre-service teacher, I had always dreamt that all the youth in my classes would grow up to be relentless scholarly thinkers that pursue the tough questions in life, unyielding in their work ethic. While this may be true for a few students that will pass through my doors, it will not always be true for an entire group of learners. As I imagined a classroom full of attentive listeners and producers, excitement accompanied my own studies. However, in the course of my academic growth, I have learned that there is so much more to teaching than simply inspiring students. Reality says that these things are possible, but not without challenge. The paradigm shift that I have undergone throughout my time as a student has grown within me not only an increasing passion for my subject, but a passion for my students. I have learned throughout my training here at Indiana Wesleyan that there is no harm in dreaming about my classroom, my students, and the things I might accomplish. The harm is when I base my dreams on the subject and the ideals of teaching, rather than the students that I will be interacting with. My dreams, now slightly altered, breed new hopes of not only inspiring students, but reaching the unreachable in giving them skills that will benefit their futures, and instilling within them metacognitive tools.

Jesus' living breathing paraphernalia

2007-11-17T20:30:00.001-08:00

Tonight I write freely for my mind is numb from the day. Tomorrow I will have to write a speech and practice it, along with study for my test on monday. ERG. I should have finished it tonight. How frustrating it is when I don't keep myself on a schedule. Maybe I will just stay up and write it until I finish it. I want it to be good - and choosing just the right words is something with which to not be hasty. I am writing a persuasive speech about Compassion International and how we have got to get involved. Friday - our chapel speaker was from Compassion - and you must be thinking 'perfect timing' - I know right? Way to steal my fire. Actually - I prefer to look at it as the preparation for them. I hope to inspire them. I hope, I hope, I hope. Biblically, hope is defined as being 'anticipated expectation.' So while my mind is numb, marinating itself in writer's block and half asleep, I will at least attempt to finish my study guide and maybe begin my speech.

A comment that was said in chapel on friday went something like this [I am paraphrasing]: The righteousness you have isn't for you. It isn't something you keep for yourself by writing it in a journal while drinking designer coffee. If all you are giving is religion - you aren't giving much. We write the name of Jesus on everything...except people.

And I thought about that. I thought about how half of the time my problems come from my eyes being fixed on other things - other than Jesus. Sometimes - no the MAJORITY of the time - geesh - I just need to be honest! - the majority of the time - I am so selfish with my Jesus. I worry about my life and my dreams and my plans and my needs and my wants and my friends and my family and my significant other and my classes and my homework and my, my, my, my! It never stops! Will I ever be free of me? Will I ever finally get "out there" and do it? Do what I was born to do? Yes. By God's grace and protective hand, I will get out and do it.

2007-11-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

“The rate at which a person can mature is directly

proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” ~ Douglas Engelbart

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your

concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” ~ John MacNaughton

“To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace;

to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” ~William Arthur

Three Quotes

2007-11-11T15:17:00.000-08:00

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~Mark Twain

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. ~George ScialabbaHarvard magazine

To think creatively, we must be able to look afresh at what we normally take for granted. ~George Kneller

2007-11-09T22:43:00.001-08:00

So tonight...or this morning...however one expresses it...I retire my pen and place my fingers on the keys - pressing each necessary one gently with my gray sweater covering the wrist and almost half of each of my hands. I write to try to understand things - to think through my thoughts - to lay everything out - like Hezekiah did - when his enemies were so close and he recieved word of their plans. He laid them out before the Lord and said, "Thy will be done." I wish I could say that more and with sincerity. Sometimes I question if God really cares that faith is hard or that this walk is hard. I question His humanity at times. Does He really understand the struggles I feel inside of not understanding or knowing what is going on? Does He understand the valley that comes when we don't put him first? How I hate being human sometimes. There are so many emotions, so many twists and turns - so many different contexts and mindsets that you are in. It is hard sometimes to separate the thoughts and experiences - by what is real and genuine and worthy to be logged away for future reference - and those that you would like to tie an anvil to and drop in the deepest sea - to remember them no longer. I have discovered this week that I am in bondage to what people think of me and/or my perception of others perceptions - if that makes any sense. I hate being where I am at - which that is usually the case when I find a weakness - I don't want to be seen with a mistake and I don't want to have the mistake. I feel like I bear such shame and there is no freedom for me to mess up or be human. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths." I know this is what I need to do. AHH - I am so weak! Have I come this far to place myself above the temptations of life - that I forgot they were there and when tempted - feel like such a rat? I am so weak and so uncapable of succeeding on my own. I have forgotten what this is all about - and it isn't me! Maybe this really is a necessary struggle that everyone must go through. We are such self-centered beings that we take in command that which we don't hear results from God on - at least - I do. If His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses - and there are a lot - and He took enough time to inspire that author of that concept - WITH that concept - than I should probably believe it. Lord - please be my rock - be my fortress.

Taming the Tongue is like Wrestling a Python sometimes...

2007-10-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wrestled a fierce animal before? Me neither. I wonder how the animals feel when geeky guys from the discovery show come and fish around in the water trying to find them. They end up waking them up only to be blinded by camera lights, and then they take them out of their comfortable homes. I'd be a little aggressive as well! In a round about way, wrestling with an exotic animal is like wrestling with our tongues. Can it be done? Can we tame them?

Have you ever wanted to talk about someone indirectly? Of course, not in a gossipy way, but you just felt the urge to share your angst with someone else or your curiosity as to someone else's behavior? Me, I have been feeling this way on and off lately. If you aren't careful - geesh! Gossip can sneak in and flog you for all you are worth - you leave a conversation feeling beaten down and worthless. Plus - think about the other side too! Gossip isn't like a back massage! When I have overheard gossip about me in the past, I've wanted to karate chop their face or something! I dunno. My thoughts are this: gossip is a far too dangerous coil to get wrapped up in - satan is too sneaky - it is too dangerous to even scratch the surface. So, until I learn to confide all my feelings totally and utterly unto His ears, my heart with possess this angst. I pray that God will help me to -completely- place my trust in his compantionship. I may not be able to wrestle my bad habits in controlling my tongue, but I know the One who can.

Night, friends.

2007-10-26T05:39:00.000-07:00

Memories with Coffee...
I have quite a few memories tied in with the smell of coffee. Not a plethura - oo, I love that word - but some pretty amusing ones. For example, when I smell coffee, I think of mornings in our kitchen at home when I would come out in my socks and pajamas - into our sun streaked kitchen where my parents were. Or, the smell of coffee makes me think back to my high school biology teacher. He smoked cigars and to conceal the truth, would cover the smell with a thick coffee cologne. Or...upon entering our church foyer, the smell of coffee hangs in the air - invading my nostrils ever so wonderfully...ahhh...I love coffee.

Have you ever been sitting in an auditorium or classroom and someone begins to sing - the melody is so smooth - their voice so sultry - that it simply lifts you as if you were no heavier than a feather? In the midst of chords and beautiful tones, you find yourself floating above the earth - with nothing but your heart and its wings. Haha...what a dreamer I am.

2007-10-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

Just something to chew on today...

(as fall has arrived and winter is quickly pursuing us)

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society.

The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute. ~Gil Stern

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.

~Leonard Louis Levinson

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities

and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. ~Harry Truman

2007-10-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

This is a bit from a paper I wrote - an introduction that didn't work for the paper. I have a lot of little bits like this - things that I have written for papers that never worked. I have a hard time scrapping something that I wrote that I like, but can't use for any particular piece.

Imagine yourself on a day like this: the sky hovers lowly about the earth. It brings a heaviness that dulls the senses. A languid breeze endeavors to reach the edges of the lace woven into your mother’s curtains. In the distance, you hear the rumbling of a storm that is to come. It is a fate that you know is approaching and cannot stop. With one quick movement, you are off your toes, headed for the inn table. You search for it, grasping for its pages. Once in the deep jungles of the adventure, it’s like you glance up and see the sun about its business once again, not feeling the raindrops on your skin or seeing the lightning shred the ebony wallpaper of the sky. You then glance at the antique clock on the mantel, and realize that you have not sat there for minutes, but hours. Deep within the pages of a novel, you can have any adventure that suits your fancy, and remain protected by an invisible cloak of reality. Your mind can take you places you want to go, but are too afraid to go; it can take you on journeys that would weaken your legs, but strengthen the character of your heart. In the pages of a novel, you can finally stand up to the bully, find your voice, or take the first step. In the pages of a novel, you can find yourself - who you really are – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and you can change. Reading a novel can motivate your reality – your feet – to walk on the path less traveled. It sounds great, right? But in reality – these types of adventures are grasped only by those that are able to see, to understand, to know. For them, reading is behind the eyes – it is alive – it is of worth. Shouldn’t these adventures be for everyone?
Teaching ESL without reading is like trying to ride a bicycle without wheels. You cannot even sit on the bicycle. In fact, trying to learn any language without the four foundational disciplines, reading, writing, speaking, and listening, you will be of little success.

2007-10-19T08:40:00.001-07:00

I am learning that there is much to be celebrated in the single life. For such a long time, I felt that there was nothing else to life - go to school, get married, and thats life. Over the past few years, the Lord has manifested in me something new and freeing. There are definitely times in between where my heart has longed for that attachment to someone. However, what a life one could live if its master was only God! How I wish to be content all the time - a simple rest. I want a restful heart. It makes me feel bad for I know that I can be as a tossed wave at times - not giving God enough time to be intimate with me - so that I can hear His voice in regards to relationships. He wants fruitfull relationships for me - not ones that are hurtful.

thoughts for now...

2007-10-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

Without a pen I feel naked, but it's writing that is my exhibitionism. ~Carrie Latet

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted. ~Jules Renard, Journal, 10 April 1895

Writing is both mask and unveiling. ~E.B. White

Write your first draft with your heart. Re-write with your head. ~From the movie Finding Forrester

If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness. ~Carrie Latet

You write to communicate to the hearts and minds of others what's burning inside you. And we edit to let the fire show through the smoke. ~Arthur Polotnik

Writers are not just people who sit down and write. They hazard themselves. Every time you compose a book your composition of yourself is at stake. ~E.L. Doctorow

Ink on paper is as beautiful to me as flowers on the mountains; God composes, why shouldn't we? ~Audra Foveo-Alba

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. ~Francis Bacon

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

There is definitley one thing you should know about me. I love to write. If I had all the free time in the world and there were thesauruses at my disposal 24/7, I would be writing. I love ideas and word pictures, metaphors, analogies, and similies. I love connecting with the world in different ways. Above are some of the quotes that I have found that simply delighted my little literary heart.

Things that get me excited: well-written pieces of work, new words that I discover, and coffee.